Judith sat on the edge of a beige cushion but kept her eyes straight ahead, not willing to give an inch.
Carol eased down next to her. “I’m not going to ask you to forgive John. I’m not even going to ask you to understand why I did. You have every right to be angry at him.”
“Well, I’m glad you think so,” she snipped.
Biting back her response, Carol forced her voice to remain calm. “I forgave him because I had to find a way to forgive myself. Losing Katie was the most devastating thing I have ever been through. All of these years without her, and I’m just starting to heal. I’m starting to let go of the pain and anger. Do you have any idea how debilitating it is to carry that kind of guilt and grief for twenty-four years?” She scoffed as she shook her head. “I didn’t even realize how much it was weighing me down. John helped me face a lot of things I had ignored for too long.”
“Because he was acting as selfishly as he always had.”
“I agree with you, one hundred percent,” Carol said. “He showed up in my life without warning, without consideration for how I would feel about seeing him, and that was selfish. Believe me, I told him so. But he was right.” She looked at her mother, who appeared unmoved. “John was an idiot. He was self-centered and foolhardy, but he was right about a lot of things. He was smart and compassionate.”
Judith threw her hands up as she stood. “You sound as smitten now as you did then.”
“I’m not smitten with him, but I do see him differently now. After letting go of my hatred for him, I can allow myself to understand him better.”
“Understand what?” Judith eyed Carol with the kind of sympathy only a mother who had given up trying to get her child to see reason could. “That he was a monster?”
“He wasn’t a monster, Mom. He was broken. From the day I met him, something was broken inside of him that needed to be fixed.”
“Oh, I could have told you that. Actually, I believe I did.”
Carol forced herself to let the I-told-you-so roll off her back. “Do you know he never remarried? He said he rarely even dated.”
“I don’t believe that for a second. The man was a cad.”
“No. He was a drunk and a selfish fool, but he was never a cad. He left everything he had to me because he didn’t have anyone else.”
“If you’re trying to make me feel sorry for him—”
“I’m not,” Carol insisted. “I’m trying to make you understand that he realized what he’d lost, and he mourned for it. He mourned for the life he threw away. Not just Katie but me too. He was my husband, the father of my child, and I stood back and watched him fall instead of helping him. I made mistakes too. We were able to forgive each other before he died, and I believe that meant something. To me, to John, and to Katie.”
Judith stood taller, obviously tapping into her defiance again. “He is the reason she’s gone.”
“It was an accident. He never meant for her to get hurt.”
“She didn’t get hurt, Carol. She died.” Judith turned on her heels and headed for the door, muttering, “I’ll never understand you,” as she left.
Caroline slowed her steps as she walked into the living room of the small apartment she and John were sharing. His mother forced a smile on her face, and John shrugged, as if to silently communicate that whatever was about to transpire was out of his control. Though Frannie was a petite woman, the energy around her was so big she seemed to fill the room. The first time Caroline met his parents was two years ago, soon after they’d started dating. She’d felt a kind of belonging she’d never felt with her own parents. She’d already been infatuated with John by that point, but after spending an evening with his family, she’d been head over heels in love. With all of them.
Frannie was a delightful woman whom Caroline had grown to adore, but something about her behavior at the moment didn’t feel right. The weekend before, while shopping for a wedding dress, Caroline had confessed to Frannie that her parents had all but disowned her for getting pregnant. Frannie had wanted to plan a church wedding and a reception, but Caroline couldn’t face either. Not when her parents had already told her they had no intentions of celebrating what they saw as a failure on her part.
Caroline had done her best to avoid Frannie’s sympathetic looks, but there she was, standing across the room with a sad smile on her face.
“Hey, honey,” Frannie cooed with a bit too much sweetness.
Caroline glanced between mother and son and tried to return Frannie’s smile but couldn’t quite seem to make her lips work.
“I’ll take that.” John crossed the room and snagged the basket from Caroline. She watched him head into the bedroom and squelched the urge to grab it back. The last time he’d folded laundry, she’d spent hours ironing every piece of clothing he’d touched. His idea of folding was more like wadding and stuffing into a drawer.
“How are you feeling?” Frannie asked, bringing Caroline’s attention back to her.
“I’m…fine.” She drew the words out, unsure what she was really being asked. Though Frannie had always been kind to her, Caroline had years of experience reading between her own mother’s lines. The way John and Frannie had abruptly ended their conversation when she walked in was a sign of trouble she had seen a thousand times. “How are you?”
Frannie seemed frozen at the island separating the kitchen from the living room. She usually rushed to give Caroline a hug. Something was definitely wrong. The prick of tears stung the back of Caroline’s eyes. Without thinking, she rested her hand on her stomach, which was starting to bulge from the baby growing there.
She’d done something, but she couldn’t pinpoint what. She’d tried so hard to do everything right—she’d altered her plans to go to medical school, she’d moved out of the dorm and into John’s apartment when he’d asked…
Oh. That must be it.
They weren’t married, and yet here she was—pregnant and living in his home. She wasn’t working. She wasn’t contributing to the financial burden she’d placed on him. They’d agreed she should focus on finishing her degree so she could get a job after the baby was born, but maybe… Maybe his parents didn’t approve. Naturally they’d blame her instead of John.
The idea of losing Frannie’s support crushed the little bit of happiness Caroline had managed to find.
“Don’t look so scared, sweetheart,” Frannie said with that same fake smile she’d plastered on the moment Caroline entered the apartment.
Caroline blinked but couldn’t find her voice or the right words to say. Until she knew what was coming her way, silence was best. She couldn’t defend herself against the unknown.
Frannie’s smile faded into a frown as her face seemed to fill with concern. “Honey, I was talking to John about… Well, I thought maybe Mark and I should reach out to your parents and see if we can help make this easier for them. Grandparent to grandparent. John doesn’t think that’s a good idea. What do you think?”
Caroline’s lip trembled. “I… No, Frannie, please don’t. They’re too disappointed in me right now.”