“Agreed. And we will give you every opportunity to adjust more fully. It’s only been nine weeks after all. But I must advise that with the arrival of a new baby, we often find this can create additional difficulties. I have an excellent consultant if you are interested.” The dean began rummaging around in her desk. “She’s available to speak with you tomorrow if you are available.”
“Actually, I have an interview tomorrow,” Martha blurted out.
“Yes, I imagine you are still looking for all sorts of help. You know, we produce a list of recommended service providers for a wide variety of needs, from household help to doctors, tutors, and coaches. I’ll ask Glenda to e-mail it to you,” said the dean.
“No, actually, I am interviewing to get a job as a doctor in a local clinic run by an old classmate.”
The dean looked confused.
“But won’t you be taking care of the new baby for some time?” she asked.
“Maybe for a few weeks, but I’d really like to get back to work. I’m a doctor,” said Martha lamely.
“Is there a financial consideration? We can certainly talk with your family about our financial aid options.”
“No, no, we don’t need the money,” Martha replied, with growing embarrassment at this entire exchange. “I miss being a doctor, and I’m excited to return to the profession.”
“I see,” said the dean, although it was clear that she didn’t see. “I do hope you take into consideration the needs of your boys and the issues we covered as you make your decisions. Perhaps you could delay that degree of change until things are settled.” Rising from her chair, she continued, “Well, that’s enough of that. Good day. My door is always open.”
Having properly shamed Martha, the dean motioned her out.
Well, there you go, thought Martha. Women who think men are the problem really are missing the boat because no one is less kind to women than other women, regardless of the circumstances. We truly can’t win. And shame is the weapon of choice. The dean would have never told Robert not to go to work.
It made her remember again that day she had been so angry with Heather, the moment that she had never fully forgiven, if she was being honest.
It had happened right after Jack was born. Heather had started her family and had just been recruited to her big executive job at FLASH. Elizabeth had made partner at her law firm, but she hadn’t started trying for a baby yet. Sara was on baby number three and was working at her in-house lawyer job. And Carmen was home with Avery, probably busier than any of them with her various school and community commitments.
That year they had decided to meet for their annual girls’ weekend in Chicago, where Carmen and Sara were living.
Martha was excited to tell her friends about her choice to stay home full-time. She didn’t tell them the whole story, of course. Only Carmen knew about all of it. But she thought they would be happy for her, and, selfishly, she was trying to be okay with her decision, and their approval would have gone a long way toward that cause.
Heather had insisted that they go to the Four Seasons and that she pay. They all objected. The stress of keeping up with the Joneses was making everyone feel relatively poor, and they expected Heather was no exception . . . until she told them what her pay package was going to be at FLASH. When they heard the eye-popping sum, they couldn’t say yes fast enough.
Heather had booked them into the biggest suite in the place. For her money, Martha would have stayed in the room the whole weekend, luxuriating in the enormous white-and-gray marble tub, but Heather had insisted that they all get dressed up to celebrate her and Elizabeth’s promotions. They went to dinner at one of those great Chicago restaurants where an individual cut of steak was enough to feed the whole table.
Martha still had a picture of the five of them at that dinner in a moving box somewhere. Everyone looked so happy and full of life in the picture, with their glasses raised in a toast.
The dinner went as it always did. They told stories about the old days—skating on Occum Pond, building the ice sculpture on the Green, dancing around the bonfire at Homecoming. The conversation would inevitably turn to gossip about mutual acquaintances. Everything had been going swimmingly until Martha shared her news.
Sara had said flatly, “Good for you—parenthood is exhausting, and you can always go back.”
Elizabeth hadn’t crossed the motherhood bridge yet, but she apparently felt compelled to point out that when the women at her firm left, they never, ever returned. “But if that’s what you want, Martha, good for you,” she had said.
“Do I have to be the asshole here?” Heather had exclaimed with exaggerated exasperation. “Martha, you are making a big mistake. Huge. If you leave now, you’ll never go back. You worked so hard to become a doctor. You went to Harvard, for Christ’s sake. And you’re great at what you do. What are you thinking? Just hire more help!”
Carmen had immediately interjected, “Heather, it’s extraordinary that you think you know what’s best for everyone when you barely have time to hear about what’s really going on in all of our lives,” but she stopped short when Martha shot her a look that said, Shut it, Carmen.
The girls moved on to happier topics, but Martha couldn’t shake off Heather’s comments, and she did her best to hide her hurt. Carmen was right—Heather didn’t know all the facts, but she knew enough to wound. Martha intended to enjoy staying home regardless of all the reasons for being there, but she did feel some shame that she couldn’t do it all on her own, at least not right then.
On the way back to the hotel, Carmen took her arm and whispered, “Heather’s a bitch. You are going to love being home with your baby. And don’t forget, this is what you need to do right now. It’s not a knock on you. No one can do it all alone. Not even Martha Adams. And of course you can go back when you’re ready. Elizabeth doesn’t know anything about the medical field. You’re good.”
Martha didn’t look forward to talking to Heather much after that weekend. It was ironic. She should have had more in common with Heather after Bobby was born—she was in the motherhood club now! But she felt more distant from her than ever. It was so easy to stop talking every week. Then every month. And then one day they weren’t talking much at all. Martha didn’t avoid her per se, but she didn’t seek her out either. They were together on their girls’ weekends a few times in the intervening years, but Heather didn’t ever seem to perceive the rift she had created in their relationship. Martha never pushed the issue because Heather had always been Elizabeth’s closest friend and Martha didn’t want to hurt Elizabeth, who didn’t have many other friends outside their group. Besides, Elizabeth was a genuinely good person and didn’t deserve it.
Things change, Martha thought as she walked out of the school and climbed behind the wheel of her car to drive back home. Dartmouth felt like a lifetime ago.
At the end of the day, it didn’t matter what the dean or Heather or anyone thought. She couldn’t go back to work if the boys were in trouble.
It was all very disappointing but somehow felt inevitable at the same time. It would be too much, again.
Of their entire group, Sara was the only one who had managed to figure out how to work and mother with another working spouse, although Sara didn’t feel like a good data point. She seemed to relish living on the edge of disaster. Martha didn’t want to live like that.