“Hello, dear,” the mom had said. “You must be Martha’s roommate! How exciting that she gets to learn about your culture!”
Great, Carmen had thought. Here we go again. To her credit, the girl reddened a bit and opened her mouth to object, but before she could get a word out, Carmen’s father had lunged forward and boomed, “I guess you mean Texas culture! Hey, we’re all Americans, right?” Pink pants flinched at the volume and took a quick step back.
“Oh, of course,” the mom had stammered while she looked back and forth in confusion at Carmen’s very white father and very not-white mother. Not knowing what to do, she shook hands with Carmen’s father while taking in his cowboy boots.
Carmen had immediately known that quietly blending in would not be in the cards that day. She remembered thinking it was going to be a long four years as she watched her parents pull away.
But she had been wrong. It had turned out to be an amazing four years. She and Martha might have been from different worlds, but they were the same where it counted. After a few months they were as thick as thieves, and Martha was her official tour guide for all things East Coast. They also got friendly with the girls across the hall—Heather and Elizabeth—both girls from the Midwest. A fifth girl who lived on their floor, Sara, a third midwesterner, quickly joined their band, a victim of a bad roommate match.
After those four years, Carmen had forgotten what it felt like to be an outsider. She was just Carmen.
A waitress came over for their drink orders, and Martha asked for a triple espresso.
“Good God, you never change. That much caffeine all at once is really not good for you or the baby,” said Carmen, feeling a little alarm bell go off in her mind. “She’ll have a water too,” she instructed the waitress.
“So,” said Carmen carefully, “what have you decided about work? I know that you had planned to go back when Jack started 4K, but with the baby, don’t you think it makes sense to give it a few more years? I mean, what’s the rush?”
Be gentle, Carmen reminded herself. But she knew she had to remind Martha of how hard the mom job really was. Especially as the kids got older. Martha’s oldest, Bobby, was only in first grade, and the job didn’t get any easier. Of all of Martha’s friends, Carmen was the only one that had been a full-time stay-at-home mom all these years. Even if she hadn’t ever had an outside job, as her mom friends used to say, Carmen had worked her ass off since graduating from Dartmouth almost twenty years ago. Playground monitor. PTA president. Manager of her daughter’s sometimes grueling dance schedule. Head of the local Gold Coast community association (and chair of the beautification and historical preservation subcommittee). It really irritated her over the years when Heather, Sara, or Elizabeth insinuated that she must have all the time in the world. They had no idea how much work volunteering and full-on mothering with no help really was. And even though Carmen sometimes longed for the exciting job she had missed out on, she would remind herself that the working moms she knew at Avery’s school always seemed exhausted, and though they might show up for the occasional field trip or concert, they were never fully part of things.
In any case, this was her chance to convince Martha to make the right decision, not just for the sake of her kids, but also for the sake of her health and sanity. And maybe if Martha didn’t go back to work, Carmen could see more of her, which would make life a little less lonely. But Martha had been programmed from birth by her uptight Boston clan to be a world-beater, and Carmen knew she was going to have to dig in if she wanted to win the argument.
Carmen continued, “So, I was thinking that we should make some summer plans, you and me. Lake Geneva is gorgeous in the summer, and I’d love to have you come down for a while. The house won’t be totally finished, but close enough. It would be like glamping.”
“Maybe,” said Martha slowly, avoiding Carmen’s gaze. “I’m actually planning to get a summer nanny so I can get back to work. If I can get something going, I could keep her in the fall or maybe just put the baby in day care. Anyway, I don’t know how things are going to go.”
Carmen couldn’t hold it in any longer. “Look, you know what I think. I know your parents, and certainly Heather, and probably Elizabeth and Sara, too, think continuing staying home is a mistake for you,” replied Carmen as calmly as she could. “Don’t forget that Heather and Elizabeth have huge amounts of help at home. We all know Phil is doing all the dirty work. Or at least he has to coordinate the army of people they have raising their kids and keeping their house in order. And don’t forget that Elizabeth has William. You and I don’t have a William. And Sara, well, I think that’s really good evidence for my argument right there. I’m worried one of these days she is going to drive her Odyssey right over a cliff because she’s so stressed and distracted.”
“That’s not fair, Carmen,” scolded Martha. “Sara is a really good mom. You can figure out both parents working. People do it all the time.”
“Maybe, but four kids and both parents working is actually just too much. You remember when Sara moved from New York to my neck of the woods and she blew off every invitation from me to do stuff, right? I mean, I get that she’s busy, but there’s busy and then there’s no-life busy. C’mon, Martha. I know you. Is the Sara life really the life you want? Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should, you know.”
Carmen was on a roll. “Please just enjoy that baby. It will be your last one. Seriously, what’s a few more years? It’s not like you need the money or anything. And we’ll have fun—I promise. It will be just like the good old days.”
“I’ve been home over three years now. It’s already been too long. And besides, when my boys are in school in the fall, we’ll have time to do stuff. Doctors get time off, you know,” countered Martha.
“Listen, you put your baby in day care, you’ll have hand, foot, and mouth disease within the month,” Carmen teased, taking a different tack and hoping Martha would relent.
But Martha wasn’t having it. “Carmen, you know I love being home with the boys. But I miss medicine so much. I worked so hard for it, and I really thought that I could do both. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to bear the burden of making sure the children Robert and I created are getting everything they need. Really, we are both doctors and both parents. Why is this my burden alone?” Martha’s eyes welled up a little, and she looked away in embarrassment.
“I know,” said Carmen softly, “I really do get it. I never asked Mark to lift a finger, but my situation was always different. Look, if working is what you want, you should do it. I love you and will support you no matter what, you know that. But Robert is not going to be a different guy. So I would quit being disappointed on that score. You have to do what’s right for you and what’s right for the family. Don’t you think just focusing on the mom job will give you the most happiness in the long run? I see those exhausted working moms all the time, and they look miserable.”
“I guess,” said Martha slowly, “but there’s nothing like doing a job you were trained to do and doing it well.”
“Martha, don’t forget what happened the last time,” Carmen reminded her gently. Carmen remembered getting the text from Martha and rushing to Boston to take care of her boys while Martha locked herself away in her bedroom and slept. Robert had been in Europe on another one of his work trips. “Anxiety,” the doctor had said. “Your friend just needs some time to rest.” Martha had sworn Carmen to secrecy and decided not even to tell Robert. And it had stayed their secret since.