“Bathroom’s in there if you need it,” I tell her nodding toward the door.
She nods slowly and I see her blue eyes sparkling before she goes in and closes the door behind her. I sit on the edge of my bed and run my hand through my hair. I don’t know why I asked Paul to bring her here. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking except I couldn’t get the way she looked at me that night out of my head. She didn’t act afraid or repulsed, and I want to know why. The door to the bathroom slowly opens and Kyza walks out.
“Are you okay?” she asks me when I should be the one asking her that question.
“I wanna ask you somethin’ and I want you to be honest with me.”
“Of course.”
I stand from the bed and glare at her. I’m thinking there has to be some kind of ulterior motive here. There has to be a reason she’s acting like seeing the scars on my face is perfectly normal.
“You looked at me that night. You didn’t let your gaze drop down to my scars. Why?”
Kyza looks confused, but her eyes stay locked on mine. Even now she isn’t looking at them. It unnerves me.
“Why would I? For one, the scars are a part of you, and two, they don’t make a difference to me. Why would I stare at them?”
She crosses her arms and waits for me to answer her. She’s lying; she has to be. My scars are the first thing everyone sees.
“What did you see that night you looked up at me?”
“What is this about?” She asks unsure where I’m going with this, and fuck me I’m not sure either, to be honest.
“Answer me. What did you see?” I growl a little louder this time.
Kyza takes a step toward me and I almost lose it. I want to snap at her and shove her away, but there’s something about this girl that just seems to invade my sense of control.
“I saw a man. He was a man that was sick and he needed help. I saw a gorgeous man that had no idea what to do with himself when someone didn’t comment about what has undoubtedly made him who he is today. I saw a person. A human with emotions. I saw a darkness in those brown eyes that I think mimics my own.”
My breath catches in my throat as I watch her watch me. It’s an intense moment. I’m almost afraid to break it, but something snaps inside of me and I move. I rush her and wrap one arm around her waist and the other around the back of her neck, crushing her lips to mine. I take her, devour her. Hell, I own her in this moment. Nothing has ever felt so right in my life, yet it’s so wrong at the same time.
Kyza tenses in my arms, but I can’t stop myself. How the hell did she look at me that way? When I pull away from her lips I can see they’re swollen and red. We’re both breathing heavily, but neither of us knows what to say.
“I should go,” she whispers softly.
I nod my head, but I don’t want to let her go. I want to keep her here and have her continue to look at me like I’m normal. I want her to look at me like I’m worth more than the scars on my body say I am. There’s an ache in my chest. I haven’t felt it in a very long time and I’m not sure I like it there now. I want it gone. I want her to stay. I don’t know what the hell I want any more. When she goes to move I let her. I let her walk away from me and toward the door.
“Why?” Leaves my mouth before I can stop it, causing her to stop and look back over at me.
“Why what?”
“Why would you say that? Why would you lie to me?”
Anger courses through my veins. I don’t know where it’s coming from, nor do I know how to stop it. I’ve been down this road before with women. What do they want from me? I don’t fucking know, but it always ends and the scars are thrown in my face. It’s evil at its fucking finest.
“I’m not lying to you.”
“You are. You’re lyin’ and I wanna know why.”
Kyza starts at the tone of my voice and reaches for the door handle. She isn’t leaving yet.
I need answers. Answers that I know somewhere deep inside of me that she doesn’t have. How could she? I move quickly and slam my hand against the door to keep it closed. Kyza jumps up and screams. I start to reach for her when the door is shoved open. I stumble back as the door slams into me. Both Viking and Grinder are standing there looking between the two of us. Kyza is in tears with her arms wrapped around herself as Grinder comes into my room. He pulls her toward him, but she’s hesitant.
“It’s okay darlin’.”
“What is this shit?” Viking asks looking between us again.
I run my hand through my hair and sigh.
“I don’t fuckin’ know.”
“You don’t fuckin’ know? You’ve got a girl in here screamin’ like you’re tryin’ to kill her and you don’t fuckin’ know?” Viking roars. Grinder has Kyza pulled into his chest trying to soothe her.
“I didn’t fuckin’ hurt her.”
“Then why the fuck is she screamin’?” Viking asks as he moves closer to me. His face softens slightly as he seems to see what my problem is. “This isn’t the way to get them brother. She doesn’t know what’s got you so fucked in the head Monster. What are you doin’?”
“I fucked up. I just wanted answers,” I tell him.
“I’m takin’ her out of here,” Grinder adds.
Viking nods his head and I’m about to say no, but I can’t. I have no right to keep her here. What the hell is wrong with my fucking head?
“You wanna explain this shit?”
“She was at the clinic when I was there. I scared her one night when I walked in on her. She didn’t say shit to me Viking. Didn’t ask. She didn’t even look at them.”
“I don’t get it brother. I really don’t. You met a woman who doesn’t look at your scars, ask questions or lose her shit and you have a problem with that? Women usually asks you about them and then you lose your shit. What the fuck do you want here man?” Viking asks raising his arms out to his sides.
I wish I knew. I wish to fuck I had an answer to his question, but I don’t. Viking backs away and leaves me alone in my room.
“Fuck!”
I hate that I’m fucked in the head the way I am. With everything in me I hate that these fucking scars still hold so much power over me even after all of these years. I’ve seen fucking shrinks like I was told to do; I did the fucking counseling and I’m still just as screwed up as ever.
I head into the bathroom and wash my face and try to calm my breathing before I head back out to the party. I shouldn’t have messed with her. I shouldn’t have asked Paul to even bring her here to begin with.
“You okay?” Mason asks when I step up next to him at the bar.
“Yeah. Lost my shit a little.”
“I heard. Viking’s pissed brother.”
I nod my head since I already know this. Hell, I’m pissed at myself for what I did. I glance up as I grab my beer and see Doc and Kyza heading for the door. I know I owe her an apology, but I don’t know if I should approach her or not right now. I fucked up yet again, and this time I’m fucking with someone that doesn’t even know me.
“Let it go Monster. She’s isn’t one of us anyway. You’ll probably never see her again,” Mason tells me.