After turning out the lights and making sure the doors were locked, I began my own bedtime routine. This was the hardest part of the day for me. It is during these quiet times, the ones where my mind can ramble, that bring the nightmares. I can’t tell you the last time I slept more than a few hours at night. I used to stay up all night worried that Warren would find us. I napped during the day with the light of the sun to protect me. I knew that if he found me, he’d attack in the dark.
Those first few months away from him were spent taking caffeine pills to stay awake. When Donna convinced me that I was hurting the baby by doing that, I stopped, but I still didn’t sleep well. Now, I try to fall asleep, but inevitably I’m awake long before the sun is up.
I don’t know how I survive. Six years ago, I would have laughed at you if you told me I could stay up for days, but parenthood does something to you; add fear to that and you have a dangerous combination. I honestly don’t know how I’m gonna let her go to school next week. There are so many things we have to be careful about.
I yawned as I laid back against my pillow. The lamp on my night table gave off a soft glow against the white walls in my room. The blinds are closed, but I still feel like I’m being watched. That sense of security that I have during the day seems to disappear once the sun goes down. You might think after two years that I could relax and begin to enjoy life, but I’ve learned in the past that the moment you let your guard down, is when he finds you. I’ll never be able to relax, but I’m hoping to raise Ava in a world where she can.
Chapter 3
6 years ago
Brooke
It’s been eight weeks since I found out about the baby. I’ve been able to hide the morning sickness from him, but I think Warren is starting to suspect that something’s up. I have another OB appointment today. I’m hoping to be able to hear the heartbeat. The doctor said it was kinda early, but we could try.
“Brooke?” Warren’s voice sounded from the living room. He’d come home for lunch, and was heading back to the office. I’d had to push back my appointment so I could leave when he wasn’t here.
“Yes?” I rounded the corner to find him standing by the couch where my purse had been dumped out. He was holding a small white card between his fingers. His face was quickly turning red as the vein in his neck pulsed.
“What the hell is this?” He turned toward me and took a few steps in my direction. Instinctively, I stepped back away from him.
“I don’t know,” I whispered. I knew exactly what he’d found, but I didn’t want to believe that this was happening right now. He’d found the card from Dr. McGee’s office.
“Who is he?” He ground the words out. “Who the fuck have you been sleeping with?” This time it was more of a roar.
“No one,” I whimpered as I backed away slowly. “I swear. I haven’t been with anybody but you.” My head was moving from side to side and words were coming out of my mouth, but it seemed like an out of body experience.
“You’re fucking pregnant? With my kid?” Before I could run, he grabbed me by the back of the neck. “Are you happy about this?” he sneered in my face. “You better hope that kid gets my brains, otherwise it’ll be stupid like you.” He shoved me, causing me to trip and crash into the doorway. My arms wrapped around my middle to protect the baby. My cheek throbbed as pain radiated out from the point of impact. “You’re such a stupid, klutzy bitch.” He threw his hands up in disgust. “Maybe this baby isn’t a good idea.” He stalked toward me with his fist raised as if he was going to punch my stomach. I curled into a ball there on the floor, ducking my head and praying that he’d just leave.
A maniacal laugh filled the air as he muttered a few words, and then I heard the door slam shut. I jerked from the noise, and took a few deep breaths before slowly sitting up. When I saw my reflection in the mirror hanging above our couch, I cringed. The side of my face was already swelling and turning a nice shade of purple. I needed to get ice on it soon or I’d be back to buying concealer in bulk.
After cleaning myself up, I shoved the contents of my purse back into it, and moved as fast as I could out the door. My face was throbbing, and the tears came no matter how hard I tried to hold them back. When I got to my car, I started searching for my keys. I dug through my purse, patted my pockets. I couldn’t find them anywhere. Panic began to set in. He’d taken them. I pulled on the door handle of my car. It was locked. My body sagged against the car. Why would he do this? What had I done that was so terrible? I never knew what made Warren mad, I just knew that it was my fault and I had to fix it. I dug my phone out and called a cab. I prayed I had enough cash on me to pay the fare. Warren didn’t like me having money, so I usually had to hide the fact that I had it when I did.
I waited as patiently as I could for the cab to arrive, and when it did, I felt a small bit of relief. I sagged against the seat as the cabbie drove me the four miles to Dr. McGee’s office. Thankfully, I did have enough cash, but I made note to hide it before I went home. Warren would know that I’d had to use other options to get here, and he’d search my purse for the money.
ooooooooo
The exam room was cold, but I didn’t notice it. My heart was pounding as I waited for the doctor. I prayed that nothing that had happened over the last two months had hurt the baby. Now that Warren knew, I’m sure he’d be more strategic with his punishments. He didn’t want kids, so demanding that I do something that might not be good for the pregnancy was no worry for him.
“Brooke. I’m glad you could make it today. I was worried when you rescheduled.” Dr. McGee was smiling as she stared at my chart in her hand. When her head lifted and her eyes saw my face, she gasped. “That looks painful. Are you ok?”
“I’m fine.” I attempted to laugh and make light of the situation. “I tripped this afternoon, and bumped the door jamb. I’m sure it looks worse than it is. I’m not very graceful.” I shrugged.
“I hope you put some ice on that.” She touched the bruise that was forming lightly with her fingertips.
“Mmm hmm.” I cringed. It hurt, but over the years I’ve learned not to complain or bring attention to my injuries. It only makes things worse in the long run. “I’m fine. Really.”
“Well, lets see if we can hear a heartbeat.” She smiled before grabbing this wand that was attached to a small speaker. “Lay back and slide your pants down on your hips a little.” She placed the wand on my stomach and moved it around slowly. Right when I was ready to give up hope, she found the heartbeat. “There we go.” She grinned. “Nice and strong.” A whooshing sound filled the room as more tears leaked from my eyes. “It’s an amazing sound, isn’t it?” I nodded as she put away the tools she’d used.
As I sat up, Dr. McGee pulled a stool over in front of me. “I want you to know that there are places you can go, Brooke. I don’t know what your situation is like, but I know that something bad is happening in your home. I’ve seen it before unfortunately, and I’m sure I’ll see it again. I can give you names of people to contact if you want help getting out.” I nodded as she patted my leg. If only it were that easy.