I didn’t know what to say to that even with the new freedom to say whatever I wanted, so I made a non-committal grunt which seemed to satisfy her.
We continued down the staircase in silence, the steps — looking like they were made from ice even though they weren’t slippery — twisting around and around into the darkness below.
But the silence was even more uncomfortable than trying to speak my mind, because my mind was whirling and I couldn’t get it to stop.
I hadn’t understood our conversation. I mean, I had. But I doubted it was that simple. There had always been a trap for me to stumble into for the Shadow King’s entertainment, there had to be one now.
Except she wasn’t the Shadow King.
I slid my gaze down her body, taking in her curves wrapped in my tunic, and her still-glowing skin, reminding me of what I’d witnessed. The tenderness and passion between her, the prince, and Hawk was unlike anything I’d ever seen before. The Shadow King had never taken a lover that way. No one who I’d been forced to watch had and I certainly hadn’t. I hadn’t loved anyone I’d been allowed to have sex with. My release was a duty to please the Shadow King. It was never just for me.
And now I had no idea what to think of her. I hadn’t been surprised that the prince had aggressively dominated her when they’d consummated their marriage in the ballroom. With my experience with the other Faerie royals, I was surprised blood hadn’t been drawn and there hadn’t been more screaming.
Which did she prefer?
I didn’t know if I could continue performing in the way the Shadow King liked.
And God, it didn’t matter because I was never going to sleep with her.
Jealousy that I didn’t want, that was a product of our unwanted bond, squeezed around my heart. I’d never gotten a chance to find someone who loved me like she, the prince, and Hawk clearly loved each other. I’d barely managed to have the comradery they all had with each other before I’d become the Shadow King’s slave.
And I wanted that.
Because of the bond.
Except the ache was so deep, I feared my desire to belong, to be loved, wasn’t because of the bond, that the bond was just another torture, a way of showing me a yearning I’d repressed for five hundred years that I was never going to have.
Chapter 7
Amiah
I leaned against the wall determined to keep my balance and move quickly down the stairs despite my still partially numb hands and feet.
As much as our bond said I could trust Rin, I couldn’t bring myself to fully believe it. And not clearly stating that he wasn’t going to betray me didn’t ease my fears.
Of course, I hadn’t realized until he’d given me his own ultimatum about never having another master just how difficult it was for him to speak out.
Just saying those words had awoken his cells’ memory of the agony Deaglan had inflicted on him.
Which made me furious, both at Deaglan for what he’d done and myself because I shouldn’t have threatened him. That hadn’t helped to build trust either, but I’d wanted him to be clear on what his situation was.
And now, we were back to an uncomfortable silence where I was hyperaware of just how closely he followed me, how I was wearing his tunic and nothing else, and how much our bond wanted to be sealed
Except I didn’t know what else to say or if he’d even engage me in conversation.
His last response had been a grunt, which hadn’t felt like an invitation to keep going. But then, his mind could be whirling just as frantically as mine, and if he felt even half of the desire I did, he was probably finding it hard to concentrate, too.
I hurried down two more steps, and the stairwell changed from the ice-that-wasn’t-ice to stone, merging seamless from one material to the next.
Another dozen steps after that we reached the bottom, stepping into a small antechamber its diameter about ten feet and its stone walls smooth without ornamentation or cracks or tool marks like the ice stairwell.
In front of us, two man-sized stone statues stood on either side of a wide archway. The statues wore simple robes, the stone carved to look like flowing fabric, and they hid their faces in their hands as if they were crying. Ahead, the light emanating from my skin — and still our only source of illumination — cast a long, pale rectangle on the floor beyond the arch and lit two more weeping statues.
I didn’t know exactly where the exit out of court was — Sebastian had only mentioned it was in the catacombs — but there was still only one direction we could go, so I staggered forward, heading down the passage, hugging myself, unable to hide just how much I was trembling now that I didn’t have a wall to lean against.
But Rin didn’t offer to help me. He just kept a little too close, and I wasn’t sure if that upset me or not. My guys wouldn’t have given me a choice. All of them, even Sebastian, would have picked me up whether I wanted to be carried or not, and that part of my soul that needed them ached for that contact.
Except Rin wasn’t one of my guys.
I had to remember that, no matter what my brand told me.
Besides, it was already difficult to ignore my desire with him in my personal space. It would have been even more challenging if he held me again.
Determined to stay in control and not throw myself at him, I forced my attention forward and kept moving as fast as I could. Wide alcoves, guarded by more weeping statues, lined both sides of the passages, and inside were large sarcophaguses made of ice. These were covered in the same swirling ornamentation that decorated the rest of the court, the grooves catching my light and reflecting back as icy shimmers. Ahead, the passage stretched into darkness and without any other light, it was impossible to tell where it ended… if it ended. For all I knew we were walking into a dead end.
God, there had to be a way out. Sebastian had said there was.
Except Sebastian hadn’t lived in the Winter Court for three hundred years. A lot could have changed in that amount of time.
My chest tightened, and the stone and the darkness crowded around me. I couldn’t be trapped beneath this mountain. I needed to see the sky, needed to be free. Now.
Now now now.
I gritted my teeth. There was a way out. Even if we had to go back and face the Winter Queen and Padraigin again, I could get out. I could be free. I was okay.
But that thought didn’t ease the panic building inside me. If I couldn’t see the sky, I couldn’t escape. And I had to escape. Everything. This mountain, the Winter Court, my bond with Rin. Please. I can’t be trapped again. I swore.
And damn it, falling apart wasn’t going to help me. I was stronger than this. I’d survived worse. I’d survived being beaten by Balwyrdan and I would survive this.
I squared my shoulders and picked up my pace. Moving faster would get me out of there faster and hopefully warm me up a bit more.
I would get out. I would get back to my guys. I would. I would—
Ahead, a flicker of weak light sparked then vanished.
It happened so quickly I wasn’t sure I’d actually seen it. Then it sparked again and grew as I drew closer, until I could clearly see an opening with a glowing fae orb floating near the ceiling.
Some of the pressure in my chest eased.
Thank God. I was free. I was—