It still was, but I wasn't alone in that. I was also working really hard to get over this, even if I hated that it just wasn't as easy for me as it seemed to be for everyone else. Almost like I was a failure - again.
"And you insist you're straight," I shot back. "So not that much room to talk."
His smile vanished immediately. "I am."
"Not with the way you've been kissing Sam. I won't even bring up how you blew him with me."
"You like it," he reminded me, trying to make it sound like a joke.
I waved an arm between us, stopping that before it could even start. "You are not going to start blaming me for what any of us do in bed, you hear me? If you aren't into it, then stop jerking Sam around. If you are, then stop lying about it. Look, all of this is new to me, and it hasn't really been easy to get over the whole guilt thing, so yeah, you're right. I'm kinda a fuck up, especially when it comes to my love life. The problem is that it's a lot easier to point fingers at everyone else than look at your own shit, Nick. So are you straight or aren't you? Either answer is ok."
For a little too long, he didn't say a thing. His hands were busy rubbing dried herbs into something that looked like it had recently been a flower. His eyes were locked on that, and his shoulders were a little too tense. The problem was that his wings lay limply against his back. Whatever I'd just done, I'd hurt him, and that had not been my intention. Not at all.
"Nick," I breathed, leaving the cutting to move to his side. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't've said that. I just… You were too right, and I lashed out. You don't deserve that."
His tongue flicked out to moisten his lips. "I don't know," he finally said.
"Don't know what?" I asked.
Slowly, he looked over at me. "I've been alive as long as the five worlds, and I honestly don't know if I'm straight. I like women, so I assumed I was."
"And you used to date men, back when that was the only option, so you can't be completely straight."
He nodded. "But it feels like this is an inherent part of my identity. I am Satan. I am the Grim Reaper. I am straight. I could go thousands of years without a lover because I didn't meet a woman. Because I didn't want to marry if I wasn't in love. Because of some other reason I told myself." He let out a deep breath, grabbed the pan, then moved it to the box that served as a stove. "In all that time, I never had the urge to seek out a man just because I could. Sam became my friend. And now I have to face it all over again."
"I'm sorry," I repeated. "Nick, I really am. I kinda feel like ever since I went to Hell, I've tossed a wrench in everything."
"You have." He adjusted the settings and then turned back to face me. "You've taken the boring lives of the First Legion, turned them all inside out, and gave us a reason to care again. You've knocked us all out of our ruts, challenged what we simply knew to be true, and made us smile more than I can ever remember. Yes, dove, you've changed everything, but that isn't a bad thing."
"Even if it means you have to poke at some things you would rather leave alone?" I meant his sexuality, and we both knew it.
Nick reached up to cup the side of my face and stepped closer. "I didn't fall in love with you because you kept your mouth shut, dove. I fell for you because you were brave enough to chase down Death, crawl in bed with Satan, and scream in my face when you knew you were right. I fell for you the moment you wanted to see my real face, not caring at all that it could be horrible."
"It isn't."
He canted his head, giving in on that point. "I thought it was. More than that, I thought I'd terrify you. All I'm saying is that you didn't give up. Not on that, not on Luke when he was pushed through the veils, and not on us. When Sam became a part of this relationship, it wasn't easy for you, but you've been putting in a little effort. How can I do any different?"
"Nick?" I asked, not sure if I just wanted to know, or if I'd regret his answer. "How do you feel about Sam?"
He opened his mouth but paused. Then, "I think I love him."
"Yeah," I breathed, thankful that my insides weren't clenching up. Instead, my entire body had just relaxed. "I kinda think I might as well. Is that ok?"
"Is it ok if I feel that way?" he asked back.
All I could do was step into him and wrap my arms all the way around to those chitinous wings of his. "You are not allowed to answer a question with a question, you know."
He bent to kiss the top of my head. "I know I am in love with you. I know that Sam is one of my closest friends and that he's a very sensual man. I also know that I will do anything I can to make you happy."
"But?" I asked, looking up at him.
"But I have no problem at all with the way things have been going with the three of us. I..." He paused. "Sia, I think I missed him."
"Yeah. I think you did too."
Which meant I had a few things to really think about, because if my boyfriend was in love with my other boyfriend, then I was an asshole. Because I was scared, I'd said that I didn't want them fooling around when I wasn't there, and they'd agreed. Those two spent all day working together as "just friends" because that was the line I'd drawn in the sand. The one I'd put there because I was terrified I couldn't be good enough.
So what would happen if I erased it?
3
Ronwe
Being a part of the First Legion was the best thing that had ever happened to me. It was also a little overwhelming. Sia made it easier, yet the truth was that I'd never had this many people around. Every fiber in my body told me to hide before they changed their minds. Yet in the Vale, there wasn't any place to get away.
We had one small cottage. Luke and I were currently living in the room where Firiel used to dry her herbs. We'd hung a curtain up to serve as a door, but it wasn't exactly a private space. The rest of the tiny house was crawling with demons. For them, that was normal. For me, it felt like I was intruding.
So I put my efforts into the flowerbeds. Luke said they'd once been filled with all sorts of things. When I asked Nick about it, he said he hadn't found the time to clean it up, but he wanted to. So I'd offered. Besides, weeding and planting worked my right arm. I could feel the ache, but I was also pretty sure it was gaining muscle.
That was why, when everyone else was calling it a day and cleaning up for dinner, I was on my knees, planting the most magnificently green plant I'd ever seen. On Tyrnigg, vegetation tended toward the blue shades. It had to do with the green sky and photosynthesis. Still, these lime-colored flowers reminded me of Luke.
I'd already found some blue ones for Nick, a couple of pinks for Sam, and dozens of brilliantly orange ones for Sia. All I had left was Luke's green and Bel's new yellow color to make the front of the house complete.
Just as I paused to shake out my arm, relieving the strain on that tired bicep, I heard the voices of men. Turning around, I saw Luke and Bel heading up from the creek where they'd gone to wash. Luke's hair hung limp and wet on his head. Bel's was short, almost non-existent, but water sparkled on his chest. For a split second, a wave of insecurity slammed into my chest, but I pushed it away. I wasn't the extra. Not anymore. I was a true member of this Legion.