I pushed a curly piece of blonde hair off my forehead and muttered, “Don’t you remember that the last time he came home when he had leave, he brought a girl with him? It’s not the same as when we were young, Zowen. We’re different people now.”
We lived separate, completely different kinds of lives. I doubted there was a single speck of common ground we could find to stand on after all the time we’d spent apart.
The only reason I knew about the women in Hyde’s life was because my cousin Daire told me. I could tell she was hesitant to mention that Hyde was back and hadn’t come home for a visit alone. Fortunately, I’d been living in Arizona at the time, so it was much easier to pretend the news of Hyde moving on and living his life like normal wasn’t as devastating or hurtful as it may have been if we were still in the same city. Daire wanted to give me all the details, but I convinced her it didn’t matter one way or the other. I was over Hyde, and I was over being the girl who had loved him with everything I had while getting nothing in return. He’d made it clear when he listened to my mother and left that I would never be as important to him as he was to me.
That was another reason I’d been unable to settle anywhere and place firm roots. As much as I wanted to get away from my mom, I still missed her and felt a hollow spot in my heart where all my trust in her used to be. I knew that my mother had a hand in sending Hyde away that fateful night, and even though I now knew it was for the best and understood she was acting out of soul-deep fear and love, I still hadn’t managed to fully forgive her for her interference. Now that I was back in Denver for the foreseeable future, I was doing my best to let her make amends and work on healing the tattered remains of what was once an all-important relationship. I hadn’t only lost the boy I’d loved all my life the night I was unable to stop myself from taking things way too far. By losing my faith in my mom, I also effectively lost the person who’d been my role model and closest confidant. I couldn’t look at either my mom or Hyde the same way when the truth came out, but it wasn’t like anyone in my family looked at me the same after that night either.
We were all a mess.
My brother finally looked away, and this time when he sighed, it was silent, and only his massive shoulders moved. They slumped forward a little with resignation because he knew me better than anyone, and if I said I was staying to face this new hurdle head-on, then nothing on Earth was going to change my mind.
“Just let me know if it gets to be too much or if you start to have a hard time. If he’s really moving back, there’s no way you won’t run into him at some point. Our families are too close. If you start to hurt or feel bad, or if seeing him with someone else becomes too difficult, don’t pretend you’re okay. I mean it, Remy. You can lean on me. I’m not going to crumble under the weight of your demons. I’m bigger and badder than most of them these days anyway.”
I kicked the toe of my sneaker against the concrete floor of the garage, frowning when a black scuff mark ended up on the tip. I wanted to laugh at his lame joke, but I was honestly really touched by the sentiment.
“I really lucked out in the baby brother department. I mean it. Not just because you saved my life. And not because you still love me even though I nearly broke you back then. I missed you more than anything else when I was hopping from place to place. I’m very proud of the man you’re becoming, Zowen. I need you to believe me when I tell you that you don’t need to worry about me all the time anymore. I promise I’m much better at taking care of myself these days. It’s time you let me worry about you breaking your neck instead of you constantly being on the lookout for me having another breakdown. I’ll never get to the point where you have to save me again. I can be the big sister you deserve if you give me a chance.” I wanted him to trust me more than anything else in the world. I wanted to prove to both of us that I’d earned it back over the years.
It was a bold declaration, but I wanted to put his mind at ease. If I started to slip back into a dark and dangerous place, I knew I needed to ask for help, no matter how hard it seemed. I was much better at listening to my body, mind, the professionals who helped me, and the people who loved me than when I was a teenager. I no longer thought I always knew what was best… just most of the time. I was willing to take advice and put the work in on myself because I understood that I deserved it. I was worth the time and effort it took to build the best version of me.
My brother grunted a sound that didn’t sound like an agreement and finally climbed to his feet. Apparently, he was done talking about the stability of my unpredictable emotional state because he tactfully changed the subject. He looked down at the fancy, neon motorcycle and quietly told me, “I’m thinking about trying to go pro; about racing for a professional team. I met a guy at the last race who has contacts out in California. I know Mom will flip out if I mention it, but it’s been on my mind a lot lately. I could still crash and it’s still dangerous, but it wouldn’t be as sketchy as street racing.”
I whistled and pushed off the bench I was leaning against. I wasn’t totally surprised. Zowen had always liked things that went fast and were alarmingly dangerous. He used to race down hills on a BMX bike and speed down mountains on a snowboard when we were growing up. He was always chasing the next thrill, pushing himself to go faster and to take bigger risks. But because we understood each other so well, I had serious doubts it was the allure of a legal race that was tempting him toward the West Coast.
My eyebrows lifted as he purposely avoided my gaze and moved to put the rest of his tools away. I couldn’t help but tease him when I asked, “Are you sure you’re going to race and not to see Aston Wheeler?”
My brother’s big body jolted, and his odd eyes finally locked on me. He’d been successful at hiding how he felt about his best friend’s—who also happened to be our cousin’s—girlfriend for a long time. However, I was intimately acquainted with unrequited love, so I knew how Zowen felt even before he was willing to admit it to himself. Ever since Ry’s ex had moved to California to attend college, I’d noticed that my brother was keeping in touch with her. He talked to her more now than when they were at the same high school together. And he confided in me for the first time in his entire academic career that his grades were starting to slip. For Zowen, it meant his marks were just average rather than outstanding, but it was a noticeable change, which meant something major was up with him.
He grunted and scowled at me. “I probably won’t go anyway. I’d have to take time off school, and Mom and Dad would freak out.”
I didn’t miss that he purposely avoided answering my question. I lifted up on my toes so I could grab his gloomy face between my hands. I squeezed his cheeks together until he made duck lips and shook his head back and forth in a playful manner.
“You can’t live your life for Mom and Dad, or for Ry. If you tell them how you feel, about racing and about the girl, they’ll try to understand you. Especially Ry. He and Aston broke up. He’s moved on.”
I grinned up at him and pointed out, “He’s with Bowe now. They’re happy together. He would want the same thing for you, even if it’s with someone he used to care about. Ry’s not the type of guy who obsesses over what might’ve been.” He couldn’t be, or he’d never be able to move on from the injury that ended his promising football career. And if he responded any other way than with his full support for my brother, I would kick his ass from Texas all the way back to Colorado. I loved my family, but Bowe was my bestie; she was the one who understood me the most and had never changed how she viewed me, even after the tragic incident I barely survived. I wouldn’t stand by and watch her get hurt if my cousin still had any lingering feelings for his former flame. Not that Ry ever showed any indication of being anything but head over heels for Bowe. “If you want to race, go race. If you want the girl named after an expensive car, go get her. Life is too short to do what others want you to do.”