I knew exactly where to find his shirts now, unlike the first time I’d ever stayed over. I grabbed one of his button ups, always the sexier choice, and started for the living room, just imagining what my parents would say if they knew where I really was; or anyone for that matter.
I didn’t pretend to be oblivious to the taboo of a student sleeping with a teacher, especially when the student was a minor. What we were doing was illegal in all 50 states. I didn’t intend to develop as close to ‘feelings’ as I could develop for Val when I’d first met him the year prior. I’d been bumped up to junior physics because of how far ahead of my peers I was, and asked Val if he’d be willing to tutor me to keep up with the other students who were all a year older than me. He’d agreed and we started putting in after school sessions. He was smart, kind, and gentle, everything a girl looks for; well that and dead-to-rights good looks and a sexual magnetism that could suffocate a room. I was the one who threw myself at Val and when he finally found himself without the ability to resist me, we started up a relationship. Well, as much of a relationship as a 16-year-old student and a teacher could have, which mostly included classroom sex and the occasional lying to parents to spend the night at his house. We couldn’t go out together, our town was too small.
I rounded the corner out of the hallway into the living room and could hear the television muttering quietly. I walked over and the second Val saw me, sitting in his big arm chair with only a shirt and sweatpants on, he moved his computer out of his lap and held out his arms.
I walked over and took my seat in his lap, only then noticing that he was watching a news story covering Colin’s parents.
“Did they say anything about Helena?” I asked.
Val’s arms closed a little tighter around me. “Yeah… she passed.”
4
Tatiana
There was a pall of darkness over the school the next day. I’d arrived early, having had to leave Val’s house when he left and have him drop me off a couple of blocks from school so I could walk the rest of the way leaving our relationship undetected. I sat in my first period as people slowly filed in, all wearing black. The entire school was mourning the loss of the Undingers and I was no exception. I wore my own black blouse with billowing sleeves and a pair of black leggings with black riding boots. My dreams had been filled with cheery memories of Ryan, Helena, Colin, and I. Spending summers on varying warm beaches during the Undingers only time off in a year. Sitting around their large, oak dining table, making homemade pizzas; Helena liked to dip her fingers in the pizza sauce and drop it on Colin’s nose, which would usually result in him trying to do the same to me. I even dreamed, again, about the day Colin shared our first kiss, but earlier that morning when Ryan and Helena brought brunch from their restaurant over for my parents and I to join them in enjoying before we left for the mall. I remember sitting at that table, laughing along with all of them, thinking to myself that I hoped I’d have a wedding reception with a similar scene one day.
It was no longer the lack of any relationship between Colin and I that would prevent that reality from being realized. The Undingers were gone.
My math teacher walked into the classroom finally as the time to begin first period arrived. She too was wearing a somber black dress, and the typical primary colored bow that encircled the staple bun in her hair, was a dark gray.
Ordinarily she would begin unpacking her materials as soon as she entered, but on this day she didn’t. “Ladies and gentlemen. I know I speak for all of us when I say today is not our best day. Our community lost two people who meant a lot to many of us, and I don’t expect we’ll recover from this loss anytime soon. Classes have been canceled for today. Instead, we will be having an assembly this morning and then law enforcement and student counselors will be available to any of you who think you could use someone to talk to. Your teachers and I will be available as well. A few of your peers are also hosting a fundraiser that will be going on for the bulk of the day. You can order flowers to send to the Undingers’ vigil this weekend. 75% of the proceeds from those sales will be placed into a relief fund for the Undingers’ son, Colin, who many of you may know. You are welcome to use today however you see fit, but you are, unfortunately, required to stay on campus for the duration of the day, even during lunch. If you have any questions, please ask me, otherwise you may head to the auditorium now.”
Students began to gather and walk out, and I could only imagine what bullets of emotions awaited me. It was bad enough that the entire school was acting like they’d lost their own parents and I couldn’t even truly mourn the way I wanted to. Most of them only know Ryan and Helena from their restaurant and that was it. The relationship between them and me was vastly different and I didn’t quite know how to let that out. Should I cry about it? Should I yell at someone or throw things? Should I do what my parents wanted me to do and try and put Colin and I’s differences aside and mourn with him?
I vetoed that idea as soon as it came to me. Ryan and Helena’s death was an upsetting situation, but not so upsetting that I could sacrifice the wall I’d worked hard to build between myself and their son. It was there to protect me; it would be irresponsible to just walk around it.
I threaded into the blackened sea of people all funnelling in the same direction and found my eyes wandering through the crowd for Colin without my permission. My anxiety spiked every time I considered how much pain he must be in. I wasn’t in any position to help soften the blow, but I guess I just wanted to see him on his own two feet to know he could still stand.
An arm linked with mine as I fought to get through the auditorium’s only two doors along with the rest of the school’s population. I looked over and Billy was attached to me, wearing a black, button up shirt, and dark jeans.
“This is insane.” His voice was low, as if he didn’t want anyone else to hear what they all must have been thinking. “I mean, you can throw a rock from one end of Orchard Mesa to the other. Can you believe someone so heinous was here? Thank god they got him.”
Word had broken early in the morning that the assailant hadn’t wasted his time in seeking a plea deal after being arrested by the police. Things moved quickly in Orchard Mesa because serious crimes were sparse, but even that was probably a town record. Apparently the criminal felt bad; he didn’t intend for anyone to get hurt. I suppose when you’re looking for a quick come up and end up staring down two murders, you regret your life choices pretty quickly, but I almost would have felt better if he was a stone cold killer who didn’t care. Just because he wanted a few quick bucks, I’d never get to see two people who meant so much to me? And he gets to be remorseful and turn over a new leave in prison while my entire town is in shambles?
Fuck that guy.
“Tati?” Billy pulled me a little closer to him and tipped his head to mine. “I know, death is hard.”
At first I didn’t know what had elicited that response from him, but then the soft feeling of tears running down my face alerted me that I was crying. When had I started? It was all weighing so heavily on my mind, and I wasn’t even sure I had the right to be sad. That wound was far-wider than the others.