My parents held me close as we all sat staring at the television in disbelief. Two people who’d had such a profound effect on my family over the course of the last four decades were suddenly just gone. Even once the story was over, we all continued to sit in pained silence until my dad finally got the wherewithal to make us something to eat to at least keep sustenance in our bodies as we wept over lost friends. I checked my social media accounts, and it was all anyone was talking about.
“Did Colin post anything?” my mom asked, looking over my shoulder.
I scrolled through my feed, knowing good and well that nothing from him would pop up. We weren’t friends on Facebook. “Not that I can see.”
My mom’s hands were sitting lifeless in her lap. “I can’t imagine what he’s going through. He’s so close with his parents.”
My dad was in the kitchen putting together whatever collection of ingredients he’d decided was best for shock and mourning. “His only relative lives in New York, right? Helena’s sister. I wonder who he’s staying with. There’s no way she’s made it here yet.”
My mom looked to me with her eyes still glistening with sadness. “You should call him. Tell him to come here.”
The thought nearly made my skin crawl off my body. “No, mom. I’m not going to do that. We’re not really friends anymore.”
Her expression turned into one of dignified rage and parental disappointment. “I’m not asking you to invite him to your birthday party, Tatiana. He just lost his father and his mother’s in the hospital. You can’t visit with people in critical condition. He could be there all alone. At least call and see if he needs one of us to come down.”
“I don’t even have his number.” I knew it wasn’t a good idea to argue with my parents during such a painful time, but they were exactly asking me to do the easiest thing in the world. “I feel bad, but I don’t know how to contact him.”
“Can’t you send him a message on Facebook?” My dad walked over with two bowls in his hand filled with rice, pineapple, glazed chicken, and a medley of veggies.
“We’re not friends on Facebook either.”
My mom stood up from the couch. “Tatiana. You are making me feel very disappointed to call you my daughter. Where’s your compassion? You two used to be thick as thieves, you mean to tell me you aren’t the slightest bit worried about his well being?”
I stared at the floor. Of course I was worried. I couldn’t even fathom a guess as to how he was handling it. Colin had taken after his father when it came to football. The two used to spend every Sunday afternoon during football season tossing the football around before games, and again after. I used to love sitting in the Undinger’s backyard tire swing just watching Ryan and Colin throw the ball back and forth until the palms of their hands were raw. Helena would step out onto their back porch to tell us that dinner was done, and every single time, without fail, Ryan would turn and “surprise” me by hurling the ball at me. Colin would charge forward getting in between it and I, catching it and then flashing me a cocky smile. The looks on their faces the one time I jumped out of the tire swing and caught the ball myself was priceless. Colin called me ‘incredible.’
Of course I cared, but I couldn’t show it. The second I started to show it, all the pain was going to come back, and I didn’t want to deal with it again. “I’m sure he’ll be okay.”
My mom sucked her teeth and stormed off. My dad sat down on the couch next to me and set the bowl of food in my lap. “Here, eat. It’ll help.”
I set my head in my hands as a steady flow of tears started to pour from my eyes. The pain of losing Ryan and Helena, the pain of losing Colin, the pain of knowing that Colin must be suffering, was a roaring stampede over me with only my dad’s hand on my back, rubbing in a gentle circle, keeping me from getting eaten alive.
Eventually, I made my way up to my room, exhausted from grief and confusion. I kept my eye on social media for updates on Helena as I prayed to any god that would listen that she would be okay. As I was tracking news posts, I did give in and sneak over to Colin’s Facebook page to see if there was any information of note, but it was too flooded with well wishes from others to see anything of substance. I was scrolling aimlessly through everyone’s pictures from the Undinger’s restaurant which shared their last name when I got a text from Val.
Have you seen all this stuff
about Colin Undinger’s parents?
Yeah. His parents and my parents
were really close.
Oh shit, seriously? I’m sorry
Tati, I didn’t know that. You
hate Colin.
Yeah. Unrelated. His parents
were always wonderful to me.
I wish I could hug you and
help.
I wish you could too…
Could you… No. NVM.
What?
I mean. I know it sounds
like a shitty thing to do, but
if your parents thought you
were coming to a student vigil
or something, would they let you
leave this late? I know they’re
hosting them everywhere.
Probably.
Then I could hug you after all.
…I’ll see you soon.
I decided to send my parents a text even though we were in the same house. It was better than coming face to face with their disappointment again. I told them that Billy and I were going to go to a vigil that some of the students were hosting and then I was going to spend the night with Billy to be near a friend. My mom didn’t respond, but my dad told me to be careful.
They didn’t consider Billy a threat. Maybe it was because they thought he was gay, may it was because they knew that, deep down inside of me my heart lied elsewhere, but whatever the reason, they always trusted overnights with Billy and me to be above the board. I chose not to tell them that he’d met some girl from Texas online and was convinced they were going to meet up and get married one day. I felt like that would make them feel worse than just thinking he liked men. I felt like he would rather have them think that as well.
I texted Billy the cover story, and after he approved, I got out of bed to get ready. As I packed enough stuff to get me through the night, Colin found his way to my mind. The story as people knew it was that Colin and I hated one another. Ever since we went our separate ways back in middle school, things had just been sour between us. I’d gotten a couple of calls from Colin that night, but I refused to talk to him, and by the time I got to school the next day, he wouldn’t even look at me. For a little bit, we just didn’t talk to one another, but then at some point we started being outwardly nasty to one another. I don’t even remember who started it. We’d make faces at each other, curse each other out, and I even chucked something at him once. The more popular he became, the more people hated me for being at odds with the most popular guy in the school, and soon, we were enemies. Everyone knew it, students, teachers; it was common knowledge, but no one knew why, and if I had a say in it, no one would.
When I finally stirred, the clock on Val’s nightstand read that it was after midnight. In a habit he’d developed from college, Val didn’t often sleep through the night. More often than not, I’d awaken after a night of sex to find that he’d woken up and wandered into his living room to watch TV and do work. I didn’t understand how he functioned that way, I was shitty after a full eight hours, let alone only four or five.