“Colin kissed me, at the mall. I bought that locket,” my hand drifted subconsciously to the spot on my chest, “and when I gave it to him, he was so happy that he kissed me.”
“I would expect that would make you happy?”
A few tears jailbroke my eyes. “It did. It was the best day ever. I loved him so much so when he finally did it, I was like ‘Yes!’” I thought of poor, innocent, young me. No idea what was coming up the pike. “I went to school that day so excited because I thought for sure that we were gonna, you know, become boyfriend and girlfriend, but when I got there, he was flirting with someone else. She asked him to Sadie Hawkins and he said that they could maybe go together.” I closed my eyes, trying to escape the memory, but it only became more vibrant. “I was heartbroken. I thought he liked me too, but I guess he just thought it was nice to kiss me because I gave him the locket? I don’t know.”
“Ah,” my mom said knowingly. “Your first heartbreak.”
“I guess I kind of thought we’d be together forever and I never really got over it. I just never understood why I wasn’t good enough.” I wrapped my arms around my stomach, the little bit of dinner I had eaten revving up. “And now Ryan and Helena and… I should have stayed in touch. It wasn’t their fault. Now I’ll never…” I started to sob.
“Oh, baby.” My mom rubbed my back more and I just cried. As shitty as it felt, it was a huge release. I wasn’t trying to plug the leaks anymore, I was exhausted from trying. “You know, first loves are a dangerous thing, especially when they happen when you’re young. You haven’t experienced the harshness of adulthood that warns you against giving too much all at once, and you jump all-in. When that comes back to bite you, it can be very difficult to bounce back from. You wouldn’t be the first person cursed by the shadow of the first person you ever loved.” She spoke like it was from experience, but I didn’t want to delve. “You can’t just bottle these things up. Helping you get through it is part of my job description, you know?”
I nodded. “Yeah.” I finally blinked my eyes open. “I don’t know how to apologize.”
“Just start with the words, and if you mean it, he’ll feel it.” She rubbed my cheek. “Maybe on Sunday after this difficult week, you and I can go for lunch and pedicures, just us. How does that sound.”
I nodded, sniffling in my tears. “It sounds amazing.”
“Then it’s settled.” She made an awkward face. “Er… Do we invite Billy?”
I let out a tear-stained laugh. Confirmed, they thought he was gay. “I don’t think he’d enjoy it.”
She nodded, almost relieved. “Okay, because we can.”
“It’s okay mom,” I tapped her hand, “thanks.”
Before either of us could say anything else, we heard the front door opening. “Cris?” my mom called out.
“And Colin,” my dad shouted back and my chest got tighter.
“Can you both come in here. Only for a moment.” She looked over at me and I nodded back at her, sitting up and making my best attempt to wipe my sorrow from my face.
My dad and Colin stepped through the kitchen, into the dining room, and I could plainly see that Colin had done some shedding of tears of his own. I wondered what he talked about with my dad. Did he really not have any idea why I would be so upset that day five years ago? Was he seriously just operating on the belief that one day we were friends and the next day we weren’t? Were men seriously that dense?
“Um,” I started and my mom grabbed my hand for support. “I’m sorry, Colin.” As much as it hurt, I locked myself into his emerald eyes and forced myself to stay there for the duration of the apology. I know that, um… I just, I guess…” I grumbled out of frustration.
“Don’t force it.” Colin held up a hand. “It’s fine.”
“No!” I yelped and everyone jumped a little. “I am sorry. I guess I just don’t know what to say. I had no right to treat you like that. I, uh. I miss them too, so, I think I’m just not dealing with it all that well. I shouldn’t have lashed out at you.”
Colin blinked and for the first time since he started staying with us, I saw life behind his eyes. “Oh. Thanks. I guess that makes sense, you were close too. They loved you like a daughter.”
That notion had tears gathering in my eyes again, but I tried my best to keep them at bay. “I’m sorry for what you must be going through. I can’t promise I’ll be… good, but I can promise to try harder.”
A gentle grin appeared on Colin’s face. “I’ll take it.”
My mom leaned forward in her chair. “Sweetie, I know that what you’re going through is very hard and we,” she grabbed my hand, “all of us, just want to help. If you really don’t want us to be at the funeral, we can stay back, but…”
Colin held a hand out. “No, I…” he looked at my dad and he nodded back. “I told Cris that I think I really need you guys there.” His eyes landed on me again. “All of you.”
I nodded. “Then we’ll be there.”
His smile got a little bigger and it made my world a little brighter. Five years since last smiling at Colin felt like decades. “Thanks, Tati.”
My dad tapped Colin’s back. “I’ll pack up dinner for lunches tomorrow.”
My mom stood up. “Come on, I’ll walk you guys up.”
“We’re okay,” I responded, not entirely expecting it myself. “I mean, we can just walk up.”
My mom was smiling now too. “Okay. Let me know if you need anything.”
I walked around the table and as I passed Colin, I stopped and looked up at him. He was staring back at me and something linked between us. I didn’t like the feeling of it, like harpoons shooting out and latching into me once again. I broke the connection and continued towards the stairs, feeling him close behind me. My chest was a concert of thumps knowing that Colin was right on my heels, in my house, feet from my room. Young me was jumping up and down, trying to get my attention, but I was ignoring her. Things weren’t the same, little me. Sorry.
We got to the parallel doors that led to our rooms. I turned to face him, with not much at all to say. I couldn’t even figure what someone would say in that situation. I started to study the stucco spots on the ceiling, standing there in silence.
Colin opened his mouth and my eyes shot to him, but then his lips closed again. What was he going to say?
Finally, I had to break the silence and get out of there. It was winding up my anxiety. “Goodnight.”
Colin nodded. “Goodnight.”
Our eyes locked again, and it was like I was teleported through time to that day at the mall. The sweetness between us was there, exactly as it had been back then. I didn’t know how to face it. What was it trying to tell me? How could he sit and look at me like that? A ghost of my logical self finally took control of my body and led it into my bedroom and safely behind the door.
It was beginning to look like Colin Undinger was back to cause my life disruption once again.
9