Colin
I couldn’t have been dreading the day more if I tried. I didn’t want to go to my parents’ memorial service. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to celebrate their life, I just didn’t want to have to come face-to-face with the fact that they were really and truly gone. They’d been cremated after donating their organs, so at least it wasn’t an open-casket, but it was still going to be an amplified version of what I’d already experienced at school. People being solicitous of me, waiting on me, coming up to me to tell me stories of my parents as they held back tears, apologizing for the misfortune I’d endured and offering me support that I didn’t want. I was trying to get to the place where I was remembering my parents for the virtuous, amazing people they were, and not being forced to think every single day about how some selfish man had robbed me of them simply because he felt like it.
The Marquettes were being additionally kind to me that morning, Tatiana included. A breath of shock escaped my lips when a plate landed in front of me at the dining room table, only for me to discover it was Tatiana who’d put it together for me. I looked down at it and nearly exploded. The breakfast eggs, hash browns, and bacon were all separated by rows of fruit; she’d remembered that I hate it when all my foods mixed together. I made the mistake of mentioning it to her, causing her to come back to shuffling everything together with a fork like she was a four year old, but I couldn’t get mad at the little smirk that peeked out as she walked away, terribly amused with herself.
Cristiano lent me one of his suits to wear, as I’d awoken that morning realizing that I didn’t have one. We finished breakfast and then went up to his room where he helped me put it on and tie the tie; all the fatherly things. It made me miss my own dad even more, which Cristiano identified and kept things light. My dad never got to teach me the ins and outs of suits. I’d opted out of junior prom given that I didn’t have many friends or a date for that matter, and I expected to pretty much do the same with my senior prom, unless Harlie and I were still dating, which of course we weren’t.
We stepped back from the mirror and Cristiano crisped the edges of the suit down. “There. Not bad for a teenager in an old man’s threads.”
I looked at myself in the mirror. The suit was simple and understated. It was a regular black with a thin black tie and a silver pin. We skipped the pocket square, as my hair hung down over the pocket anyway, and I wore my own black shoes, which I felt self-conscious of until Tatiana told me to quit moaning because if anyone was paying attention to my shoes, they were an asshole. In her own, trying not to cost herself her bitch-membership way, she was telling me it looked fine, and I accepted it.
She, on the other hand, looked heavenly, even for just going to attend a funeral. She was wearing a black dress that covered her shoulders, had one-quarter length sleeves, and flared at the bottom with a lace overlay. Her hair was up on top of her head in a ponytail, with her long, brown waves curling out and cascading down her back. She topped the ensemble off with a pair of black flats and just enough makeup to say she was wearing it; but Tatiana didn’t need makeup, she had a kind of natural beauty that was amplified when she left her face untouched by fake products. I wouldn’t tell her as much for fear of disrupting the stasis we’d found on the car ride, but I couldn’t be more relieved that she was there. She was the only one who would be in that room that knew and loved my parents as much as I did. Most of the memories I had with them, she shared. It was like she was a link between the past and now, taking away some of the funeral’s sinking finality, and replacing it with beautiful memories to live on forever.
Kya kept close to me as we loaded out of the car and headed for the church. Tons of people were already there, trying to file into the small chapel’s single door. As I approached, someone noticed me, and they parted like the red sea to moses. I kept my head down as we moved between them. Inside, there were two large portraits of my parents with more flowers than I had ever seen in my life sitting in front of all the pulpits. My aunt was standing up next to them, greeting people as they walked in. It was almost painful how my aunt’s blond hair and shining green eyes reminded me of my mom. They looked so much more alike than I realized.
“I should probably go up there, right?” I murmured.
Kya rubbed my back. “Only if you want to, sweetheart.”
“I don’t.” I looked at her. “But I know that I should.”
“I’ll go with you.” Cristiano tapped me on my back.
“I’m, uh, gonna go find a drinking fountain.” Tatiana looked at me, as if asking for permission, but I nodded and she fluttered off.
“I’ll be here.” Kya side-stepped her way into one of the pews and sat down.
Cristiano brought me up to where my Aunt Hannah was standing. She smiled as soon as her eyes landed on me and she rushed towards me and pulled me into a huge hug. My eyes burned, threatening to reveal my emotions yet again, but I bit my lip to hold them back.
Hannah put her hand on my face. “Oh, hi honey. How are you feeling? How are things with the Marquettes?”
“They’re being very good to me. I’m doing okay.” I could quite determine if it was a lie or not. Was I doing okay? “How are you?”
“Well, getting all of this together so quickly wasn’t fun, but it all came together.”
I scratched my head. “Yeah. I’m sorry I didn’t help much.”
Hannah’s eyes nearly plopped right out of her head. “Are you joking? I’m glad I was here to do it so you didn’t have to. No child should have to do this.” She put her hand on my arm. “I’m very sorry about all of this, sweetie.”
“Thank you.” I didn’t know if it was habit or desperation that sent my head searching for Tatiana, but when I didn’t see her, my anxiety doubled. “Uh. I’m going to go get something to drink.”
“Want me to come?” both Hannah and Cristiano asked.
I held up my hands. “No. Really, I’ll be okay.”
I turned around to walk away from them and was met with an ocean of sympathetic faces. I tried to push through without acknowledging them, but every person I got within arm’s reach of wanted to shake my hand or give me a hug or a pat of apology. They were hurling all manner of questions at me like what I planned to do with my parents’ restaurant or if I was moving to New York? Was I inheriting my parents’ house? Was I handing the restaurant over to the manager who worked there? Had my plan for after high-school changed?
Colin, what’s next?
Colin, what’s next?
Colin, what’s next?
I don’t know.
My plan to leave Colorado as soon as I was able, hopefully play football for a major university, and go pro was so far in the distance now, it was just a speck. I didn’t know what the future held for me, all I knew was that I was suddenly faced with all of these important decisions that I wasn’t ready to make. The pressure was breaking my bones.
I said a silent ‘sorry’ to my parents as I started to rudely force myself by people, just trying to get to the hallway. People were closing in on me like an iron maiden and I was being drained of life. I needed to breathe. I burst through the crowd and into the hallway. I let out a breath and nearly passed out from how long I’d been holding it. It felt 100 degrees cooler yet sweat was bleeding down my face in torrents.