Further thoughts brought angry feelings for all the years I’d been denied my baby. Rationally, I tried to balance that in the knowledge she came to no harm growing up, and had wanted for nothing, which had probably been far better for her than being raised under the influence of my mom. At least Erin had been spared growing up with her.
Guilt immediately radiated through me when I thought that way about my mother, but it was nevertheless true. Mom was an overbearing authoritarian when I was a child. The way she’d dictated the company I’d kept and tried to force friendships with horrible rich brats in our small town had felt overbearing. Fortunately, through all of that I’d had Alice, whose father was the local bank manager and, therefore, acceptable as a friend.
“How do you feel?” James asked, squeezing my hand and drawing my absentminded thoughts back to him.
“Good, weird, heartbroken, excited, anxious,” I replied nervously.
He nodded. “It’s a good thing for you to feel cautious. I can’t begin to imagine how difficult that was for you. But you have a good head on your shoulders and you’re not the rainbows and sunshine kind of girl who doesn’t understand there may be more hurt along the way.” He squeezed my hand again. “But now that I’ve said that, I’m confident you and Erin will work your way through this and perhaps even become great friends.”
I stopped walking and turned to look at him. James immediately held my gaze. The love and honesty that shone from them made my heart clench again at how patient and caring he’d been. My heart also skipped a beat from the crazy spark I’d felt in that small intimate moment. He must have felt it too because his hand left mine and both arms immediately wrapped around me.
“Have I mentioned how much I love you? I know now I was scared to love you because I couldn’t bear to have this with you and worry about the possibility of losing you if you found out about Erin.”
Dipping his head close to mine, he brushed our noses intimately and smiled. “Yet, my love, here we are, stronger than ever. At long last, you’ve met your beautiful daughter and the sky never caved in. Love will get you through this, Tricia, and I’ll be with you every step of the way.”
Turning me back, facing the direction we had been heading, he tucked me protectively into his side and led me home. We walked in silence and I sensed that had been a conscious decision from the man who found conversation with me effortless. That said, he had always known when silences were necessary for me to gather my thoughts.
We had just arrived at the apartment when I heard a text message on my cell. I dug into my purse, pulled it out, and smiled warmly when I saw who the text had been from.
Billie: Whatever your day has been like, just know I’m on the end of the phone.
I smiled, thinking how lucky I was to have found Billie. Sometimes the universe works in one’s favor, and it had felt as if Billie and James had somehow been sent to give me the courage I’d needed to help me face my past.
Me: It’s been a journey. My daughter … can I really call her that? She looks like me, but young and beautiful.
Billie: Says the decrepit old hag. LOL. You’re still young and beautiful. If she’s anything like her mom, she’s amazing.
Me: Can we come for dinner? We’ll order takeout. I need an escape from my thoughts … and maybe to talk.
Billie: Yay! Kids will be bathed and bedded < is that a word I can use in relation to children? Come at 7:00 p.m. The twins should be asleep by then.
Me: Food?
Billie: Sawyer’s got that he says.
Me: Make sure it’s my favorite stress food—burritos. C U later.
“I can’t wait to meet her,” Billie gushed, as we tidied away the empty food cartons and scraped the leftovers from the plates, into the waste disposal. My attention was drawn to the two amazing men sitting on the couch, deep in conversation.
“Those two are our heroes, aren’t they?” I asked, in a moment of sheer romantism.
“Absolutely, and I’m so glad I pushed for Sawyer to give James another chance. From the moment I met him, I had a warm feeling about him. Sawyer was pissed when I advocated for James, but …” She shrugged in thought for a moment. “I don’t know what it was, but he just had this sense of honesty about him.”
“He does. That bitch, Charlotte has a lot to answer for. But you know we should both thank her, because if she hadn’t behaved how she did, neither of us would be where we are now. I hate that she brought both James and Sawyer heartache, but I can’t fault the end result. My biggest peeve about her is how she almost destroyed James’ confidence. If she hadn’t done that, he may have been more forthright about his feelings and we might have gotten together much sooner.”
“Yeah, well what’s done is done, but you’re here now,” Billie said on a lighter note. “Sawyer and James are more alike than they know. James has that same growly bear mentality when something threatens his woman. I can see how protective he is toward you. At first, that worried me a little because I know how independent you are—”
“My independence was my outer shell, but he’s known about Erin since the moment things began to get real between us. I don’t feel the need to resist letting James see me for what I am… not at all. In fact, I’m relieved he tore down that wall and took charge of me. I never knew how badly I had needed someone to do that… not in the sense I’ve become submissive.” I chuckled.
“You submissive?” Billie scoffed.
I laughed. “Right, we both know that’ll never happen, but James is very perceptive to my moods. He instinctively knows the right thing to say, how to say it, and when. It’s like he’s inside my head and whenever doubt washes over me, he’s right there with encouraging words when I need them.”
Billie nodded, a crooked smile on her face, fighting a grin.
“What?” I asked. She shrugged, but there was a twinkle of mischief in her eyes.
“Go on, I know you’re bursting to lay some comeback on me,” I coaxed, grabbing a can of soda, opening it, and taking a swig of the fizzy drink. I lowered the drink from my lips and eyed her cautiously.
She shrugged again and sighed. “You sound exactly like I did when I felt unsure of myself with Sawyer, and I spoke to you about that. However, I can still remember the look of disbelief in your eyes, like you were saying, ‘no man is all that’.” Billie wandered over to the trash can, stamped her foot on pedal of it to open the lid, and crammed the last of the cartons inside.
“That’s what I believed at the time,” I reluctantly admitted through a chuckle.
“And now?” she asked, stopping in her tracks with an empty carton in her hand as she waited for my answer.
“Oh … James is definitely all that,” I replied with a wink.
“Tricia Mattison’s in lurve,” she teased in a low tone.
“That’s not a secret. James and I …” I hesitated, but became lost for words as how to define us. “We work. He’s everything I never thought was real, but with therapy and now there’s all this with Erin …” I sighed and an insecure thought slipped out. “What if he gets tired of it all?”
“Tired? James? The way he looks at you, it’s a wonder your bones haven’t melted. That guy is so into you I’m surprised you still breathe for yourself. I’m sure if he could do that for you as well, he would.” I chuckled, boosted by Billie’s response.