I had a few friends, but none quite like her. The others were more work acquaintances than friends. Mainly confident, loud, brash friends even, or perhaps assertive might have suited them better.
Not Billie. When I’d first met her, she was mousy and unassuming, and mostly emotionally wrecked from a messy divorce. Since then, she’d grown to be the amazing kick-ass woman I’d always suspected she’d could be, thanks to the love of her second husband, Sawyer, my boyfriend’s younger brother.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, my eyes popping at the sight of her with a huge smile on her face. The nervous tension that hadn’t left me that day began to dissipate. Before she’d arrived, my mind was distracted by emotions that had threatened to overwhelm me, while negative scenarios played in my mind for how the meeting with my daughter may turn out.
“Supporting my friend,” she muttered through a scowl, like I should even have posed my question in the first place.
“You didn’t have to—”
“Of course, I did … I do,” she huffed, flashing me a look like she was parenting a child. “How many times have you been there for me since we’ve been friends?”
“But this—”
“Is probably the most significant moment in your entire life,” she responded, cutting my protest off, and waving an upturned palm around in front of me. “Did you really expect me to sit back and allow you to face tomorrow without me being here for you? What you’re doing takes bravery.”
“Thanks, that remark has given me all the confidence I need … not,” I drawled sarcastically. My show of bravado was wasted on her, when she gave me another scolding look that told me she’d tried to imagine how tough facing my past must have been for me.
Stepping forward, she handed James the flowers and wrapped her arms around me. Pulling me close, she crushed her small frame to my chest in a bear hug. The firmness of it had felt oddly strong for someone so small. After a few moments she stepped back, held my elbows, and stared up at me with her huge serious blue eyes. “I love you, Tricia. Of course, I’m going to be here.”
I believed every word because of the honest look she gave me. Guilt plucked my conscience because I knew I hadn’t always been the best friend toward her. I’d tried, but since her twins had been born I’d distanced myself without explaining why, I had found it too difficult to, but knew my absence had hurt Billie at a time when she’d felt vulnerable as well.
After Remy and Brynn’s birth, I retreated to protect myself. I’d had to. Watching women with their babies had always been an ordeal. Seeing those adoring looks as they poured love into their children had left me bitter that I had never gotten the same opportunity to do that for mine.
Yet, despite not being there for her in the past, on the eve of that pivotal moment in my life, Billie had come to my rescue. My heart was full of admiration for my friend’s forgiveness, as I’d watched her peel off her wool jacket and discard it casually over the back of my kitchen chair. I had never needed Billie more, but I hadn’t realized it until she’d arrived.
“Go on, get the wine out,” she coaxed, nodding toward the refrigerator door.
“Aren’t you driving?” I probed, frowning because she usually hadn’t touched alcohol if she had to get behind a wheel.
“Not tonight. Sawyer had a driver bring me here. He’s picking me up again at 11:30.” A wide smile spread on her face and a grin broke out on mine, despite the nerves in my stomach that had been hampering me all that day.
Billie was the best kind of friend ever; so special, I knew had we met when we had been younger, our bail money would have been so impressive our parents would have left us in jail.
“Is the time still the same for the big reveal tomorrow?” she asked, even though she knew it likely wouldn’t have changed.
“Yeah, 10:00 a.m. God, I’m nervous.” My admission had been the biggest understatement of my life because I had dared to consider there may be the slimmest chance to be a mom to Erin, albeit not exactly the Mom of the Year kind, but I had prepared myself for settling for any relationship she wanted to have with me. To my mind, anything was better than the hole that had been left in my life.
“Just be yourself, she’ll love you,” Billie stated, as she poured us two glasses of chardonnay.
“I don’t know …”
“Don’t know what?” James asked, snaking his arm around my waist from behind. I hadn’t heard him sneak up on me, but I’d felt the heat radiate from his body toward mine right before he’d touched me. A warm glow filled me in the safety of his arms.
“Erin,” I stated, like her name supplied him with everything he’d needed to know.
“Babe, it’ll be like talking to your younger self in the mirror,” he replied. “She’s a mature, rational, beautiful woman. From the conversation I had with her, I know she’s excited. To be honest, I think once she learns how devious I’ve been, she’ll have more trust issues with me than you, after the way I pretended not to know you.”
“Well, whatever. It’s too late to back out now,” Billie offered, lifting her wine glass and taking a large gulp down.
“Steady on, Sis,” James warned her, chuckling.
“That’s easy for you to say, James. You haven’t spent all day with my kids. This is purely medicinal,” she replied, gesturing toward her wine glass. “That kindergarten class can’t come quick enough,” she replied, chuckling as she lifted the glass to her lips again and took another sip.
“Your medal is in the mail,” James said playfully. “You’re my hero if not theirs,” he added, smiling warmly toward her.
“Hm, did I marry the wrong brother?” she asked, blushing when she realized what she’d said in jest had a whole other connotation to it, given James’ past with Charlotte, and she winced.
James and I burst out laughing, knowing it was a joke, but I could see he felt a little uncomfortable with the inference when he rubbed the back of his neck.
“Let’s not even joke about that in front of Saw, eh?” he suggested, and we all chuckled again.
For the rest of the evening Billie and I sat talking through all the feelings I may experience, all the likely questions Erin may have prepared, and all the burning questions I’d always thought I’d ask if I had ever gotten to meet her. It was cathartic to talk it over with Billie, and by the time she’d left, I was half-drunk but felt better prepared to face my daughter.
Chapter Two
“Couldn’t you sleep?” My head turned in James’ direction as he woke next to me in bed.
“What gave you that idea?” I asked, snickering as I turned and faced him. Lifting his hand from under the comforter, he brushed stray strands of hair from my face and we lay quietly lost in each another’s eyes.
Eventually he remembered to speak. “Not sure if it was the constant huffing, grunting, and pillow punching, or the huge sighs that clued me in,” he replied.
“Sorry, was I that bad?” I asked, feeling guilty I’d kept him awake. Staying in New Jersey, not making the journey back to New York, had been his idea and a great one. If we’d been in New York, I would have most likely wandered the streets and made several passes of the sports bar James had booked out for me to see the daughter I’d given birth to three decades before, but never had the chance to meet.