“Yeah, you were, but I guess that’s nervous energy rather than worry, since you were partially anesthetized from all the wine you girls consumed last night.”
“We only drank two bottles,” I argued, but then realized we’d drunk a whole bottle each.
James rolled me on my back, settled between my legs and sighed heavily. “Today is going to be a good day, Tricia. I can’t profess to know how you feel, but you got this, baby. If there are moments when you think you don’t, I’ll be there and I got you, okay?”
I nodded, my heart swelling with love, as I stared into the gorgeous trusting eyes of the beautiful man in my life, in the early morning light. We fell silent, locked in another gaze that calmed my heart as we took time to appreciate the other. Each morning when we woke had become our special time to connect, and that morning the world seemed serenely quiet. Dawn had barely broken and we used that window in our day just to breathe each other in.
“I can’t believe this is my life,” I mumbled. James immediately dropped his head closer and kissed me softly on the lips.
“This is nothing, baby, not compared to what comes next for us. This is only the beginning of better times—together—given what we’ve both been through in our pasts.”
He smoothed down my hair and stroked my cheek, as his gaze grew more intense. The adoration in his eyes made my heart clench.
“Some people know from an early age what they want from life, some wait a lifetime and never know … and then there are people like us who go through a shit ton of testing times before we know how it’s meant to be. I’d do all of that again, knowing you were at the end of it.” Seeing the love in his eyes made me believe every word of that statement.
Dropping his forehead to mine, he gave me a slow sensual smile as the heat from his strong body burned into my skin, and the same sexual chemistry that had drawn us both together took over my thoughts. James’ ability to make me forget everything but us spiked my desire, despite my fragile emotional state.
“Tricia Mattison, you are the sexiest woman alive. Even when I’m trying desperately to be sensitive and do the right thing by you, my body’s on fire lying over you like this.”
From the passionate way he searched my face, I felt in no doubt of that. A smile tugged at his lips when I wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled him closer to me, no matter what I faced that day I wanted him.
When James made love to me early that morning, how he took me and worshipped me had felt like he’d done that just for my pleasure, not his own. It had felt like a demonstration of his restraint, denying his powerful want to satisfy me with his every action and soulful intense gaze. Yet, even though he handled me with care, tenderness, and compassion, there wasn’t a moment where we lost the essence of carnal desire in our connection.
The journey back to New York that morning went by in a blur. Lost in thoughts, I relived the day Erin was born and hashed over the scene again in my mind. I barely remember getting out of the car as James steered me to the elevator from his apartment building parking lot and out onto the street.
Lifting our hands, James pressed his lips to my knuckles as he held my hand firmly in his, our interlaced fingers firmly together in a show of unity as we walked purposefully toward the sports bar four blocks down from James’ apartment building. Anxious feelings, which had taken hold since the moment we’d gotten out of bed, increased with every step.
“You look beautiful,” he told me for the fifth time since I’d walked out of the bedroom that morning.
Dressed in a jade green, fitted bodice dress with an A-line skirt and black patent leather heels, I had tried for a demure responsible look. Yet, when I’d stared in the mirror, I figured it wouldn’t have mattered what I’d chosen to wear because clothes didn’t make a person, their words and actions did. My heart sank to my stomach when I reminded myself of that point.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” I said, when my courage decided to desert me, and my feet instantly faltered on the sidewalk.
“You got this, Tricia,” James replied in a stern but decisive tone. My worried eyes darted to his, but my mind went blank.
“Listen, she’s probably sitting there waiting for you. Are you really going to leave her not ever knowing about you? Could you live with that? Could you live with yourself if you missed the opportunity to know her?”
My heart pounded wildly against my breastbone, my legs wobbled so hard that I feared I couldn’t take another step. James had obviously realized this, stepped in front of me, and his free arm wrapped tightly around me. I glanced at our hands still firmly together and saw James’ knuckles and fingers had blanched white in my grip. I immediately released my hold and pulled my hand away.
“Sorry.” My apology came out in a whisper. James immediately wrapped his other arm around me and kissed my temple.
“Don’t be.” He leaned back to see me better. “I haven’t underestimated the magnitude of what you’re about to do, baby. But… you’re definitely underestimating yourself. Not only can you do this, you will do it, and when it’s over your heart will be far lighter for it. Trust me, I’ve met her. Do you think I’d let you do something I felt would destroy you?”
Peace settled in my soul for a few seconds following his question, and I believed wholeheartedly that James would never purposefully do me wrong.
“No… no I don’t,” I confirmed, trusting his judgement.
“Then we should be headed to the bar, not here on the sidewalk waiting for grass to grow under our feet.” Giving me a gentle tug until I almost lost my balance, James kept his eyes on mine until I began walking again. “There, see? You’ve got this… and remember when you don’t, I got you too.” A small smile curved my lips and I nodded, because his little reminder I wasn’t on my own helped me through.
Fear, excitement, dread, shame, guilt and anxiety swarmed like an unstable cyclone inside my body, fueled by a surge of adrenaline. My flight hormone had enhanced the potency of the mix and created a feeling within me I couldn’t recognize nor could I have described it with words. I felt light-headed from my rapid heart rate as I walked in a fog, my mind desperate for words of comfort that may have brought courage and a feeling of settled peace.
“All right, we’re here.” James’ words jolted me out of my muddled state but sounded distant in comparison to the blood rushing in my ears and the booming heartbeat that had taken residence there. Our eyes met and a frown immediately creased his brow. His breath hitched and he blew it out, and I knew from the concerned look in his eyes, he had figured the next thing he said to me mattered.
“Tricia, trust me, she’s your daughter and no matter what, the least that can happen when we walk back through this door is you’ll know what a beautiful woman she grew to be and how well she has done with her life. How can that be negative?”
The words he had chosen had been perfect. He hadn’t reassured me I’d feel as if the past thirty years of pain would dissolve in a heartbeat, or that she would fling her arms around me and all the hurt between us would instantly be washed away.
I liked he hadn’t made light of the hurdles that may always remain between Erin and me, but inferred after we met our lives would go on. The worst that could happen could still provide us with small significant pieces of a much larger jigsaw, at the very least.