That was the first time Paxton Stewart broke my heart, but it certainly wasn’t the last. I guess the second time was my own fault. My parent’s let the guys throw me a huge graduation party just a few weeks later. Gavin even let me drink a little which was totally out of the norm for him. It didn’t take long for the alcohol buzz to work its way through my veins and by the time it did, I was fearless.
I remember finding Paxton sitting on the couch in the living room, strumming out a song on his guitar for some of my friends who had gathered around him, clearly enamored by his good looks. The moment he opened his mouth to sing and that incredible voice filled the air, I knew…
It’s not the exact way I planned to lose my virginity. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I had always dreamed it would be with Paxton. I just didn’t think it would happen the way it did. I can remember each detail like it was yesterday.
He had just finished playing one of my favorite CCR songs when he looked up and saw me watching him from the doorway. I smiled, nodded toward the stairs and took off in the direction of the bedrooms, praying he would follow me.
When I reached the top of the stairs, I pressed my back against the wall, took a deep breath and waited. Only seconds past before Paxton appeared at the top of the landing. I took his hand, pulled him down the hallway and into my bedroom, locking the door behind us.
It was the most incredible, magical night of my life. Still to this day, it is one of my fondest memories. Like the night he snuck into my room and confessed his feelings for me, I awoke with happiness bubbling out of every pore. He was finally mine. Or so I thought.
Once again, he panicked. But this time it was so much worse because it wasn’t just a kiss we had shared. I knew what it was like to hold him, to feel him inside me, and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that nothing would ever be the same again.
That was it. The story of Paxton and Charlie. I left for NYU two weeks later and had every intention of never seeing Paxton Stewart again. Unfortunately life had other plans and now I find myself in a very similar situation as before, only this time I know what it feels like to have him and what it feels like to lose him. I know it’s worth the risk. I just don’t know if my heart can take another break. It’s been through so much already.
****
“Get it girl!” Harlee leans over the small round table between us and yells over the music to a blushing Kimber who is sitting next to me.
She gives Harlee a wide smile and fans herself as one of the half-naked dancers’ slides past our VIP table and stops directly in front of her.
When Angel had told me this morning that Kimber’s bachelorette party was going to consist of martinis in the hotel room followed by an evening at Chippendales, I have to admit I wasn’t all that enthused. But I guess I had forgotten how much fun it can be to just go out with the girls and let loose.
Considering I’m the only one of the group old enough to drink, I have been pounding back cocktails for the last hour and have a pretty decent buzz going on. I figured since everyone else is basically sober, they could keep me solid while I let down my hair for a little bit; something I rarely do. I’m speaking figuratively of course.
I cup my mouth and let out a howl when the dancer in front of Kimber runs his hands down his oiled up chest and tight muscular abs. I get that these guys are sexy, but I can think of one man in particular that would put every single one of these dancers to shame.
I shake off the thought. No Paxton tonight. I promised myself when I woke up this morning that I wasn’t going to let him consume my thoughts today. I was going to have fun with the girls if it killed me. And I am having fun. But that doesn’t mean that he hasn’t been sneaking into my mind for most of the night.
By the end of the show I’ve had more than my weight in martinis, or at least that’s how it feels. All I know is when we arrive back to the hotel just past one in the morning I feel like I can conquer the world. Of course I know, even in my drunken state, that this is the alcohol talking but honestly, I don’t care.
The other girls all say their goodnights and quietly slip off to their rooms. Neither Harlee nor Kimber say it, but I know they are both anxious to get back to their guys. The thought causes a tight knot to form in the pit of my stomach. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m jealous. Who wouldn’t be?
I follow Angel into our shared hotel room, kicking off my shoes the moment I reach my bed. My butt no more than hits the mattress beneath me before I’m standing again.
“I think I’m gonna head down and play some slots for a little while.” I announce abruptly.
“You sure that’s a good idea?” Angel laughs, watching me struggle to slip my heels back on.
“It’ll be fine.” I swipe my hand through the air. “I’m drunk enough to lose all my money but sober enough to make it there and back alive.” I laugh.
“You want me to walk down with you?” She offers, hovering next to her bed, a large t-shirt having already replaced the skimpy dress she was wearing just seconds earlier.
All three of the girls were up at the butt crack of dawn this morning. She is probably exhausted. I get that their excited to be here but dear lord, I must value my sleep a lot more than they do. When I woke up just after ten, they were all showered, dressed and had already eaten breakfast.
“No, you don’t have to do that. You can’t even get all the way to the casino without being twenty-one anyways.” I insist. “I’m just gonna run down for a few, check out the casino. It may be the only chance I get.”
“Okay, well make sure you take a hotel key. And you have my number right?”
“Yep.” I snap open my clutch purse and flash the key at her. “Anything else Mom?” I laugh.
“Sorry.” She shakes her head. “I promise I’m not normally this lame. It’s just, well Gavin might kill me if something happens to you.”
“Gavin needs to suck it up and accept that I’m an adult.” I huff, rolling my eyes.
“I think it’s sweet.”
“You wouldn’t if you were the one he was always trying to control.”
“True. I could see where that would get super annoying, super fast.” She chuckles, pulling back the covers on her bed.
“You have no idea.”
“Well just be careful and call me if you need me to come down and rescue you or anything.”
“Will do.” I smile, quickly backing out of the room and into the hallway.
I pass Paxton’s room on my way to the elevator, stopping for a brief moment directly in front of his door. No one would know. I could slip inside and be in his arms in seconds and not one single person would suspect a thing.
I take a deep breath, laying my palm flat against the door before letting it out slowly. It would be so easy but for whatever reason I can’t make myself do it.
I need another drink—like now.
Within minutes I’m in front of a slot machine, twenty dollars down, and half way through my second drink. I’ve never been much of a gambler, having done so only once before, but I find that I’m rather enjoying it. The buzz from the alcohol makes losing a whole hell of a lot easier to stomach.
Of course that wasn’t the case when my aunt Pam took me down to Atlantic City for my twenty-first birthday. I spent the entire night drinking some weird green concoction but it certainly did not make losing my money fun.