“You know what I’m saying.” He moved toward me, closing the distance between us. His fingers gripped my chin as he brought my gaze level with his own. Answers burned in his irises, and, as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t turn away. “I loved you from the first moment we met. I hated you just as long because I always knew you weren’t mine. I knew you could never be mine. And when you ran, I stupidly thought you’d chosen me. I looked for you. I found you before Tod. I made sure you had money, and I waited for you to realize you were safe—that you could stop pretending. But you never stopped. You’re still doing it.”
At some point, I’d started to sob, but Holden didn’t stop. His eyes burned into mine, burrowing past the stories and confusion and lies into my soul itself.
“And the worst part is, that even as her, you chose him,” he said flatly.
Words I didn’t quite understand found themselves on my lips. “I didn’t have a choice. Spencer was part of the arrangement.”
He laughed again, and the cold hatred in it chilled me to the bone. “You still think this is about Spencer? After everything, Kerrigan?”
“Don’t call me Kerrigan,” I said, half-whisper, half plea.
“Kerrigan,” he repeated. “Who is this really about?”
I closed my eyes and shook my head. “I’m not…”
The refusal died on my lips. I couldn’t find the words to fight it any longer.
He released my chin, but I didn’t open my eyes. Holden trailed the back of his hand down my cheek. “It’s going to be okay. I promise.”
“Why would I believe you?” I asked with a swallow.
“Because I love you.”
But I was already pulling away. His words didn’t matter. He’d betrayed me. He’d lied to me. He’d manipulated me and played Spencer’s games. He was worse than Tod. He was worse than all of them. He would blind himself to have her back. I couldn’t trust him. Not when he couldn’t see straight. But when I looked at him, I found the last thing I ever expected to see written across his handsome face.
Hope.
Anger swelled inside me until it boiled over, bursting from me. How could he look at me like that? How could he dare to love me after this? He hated me? I hated him more. It burned inside me in a molten rage, and I turned and released it with devastating force. “Then you’re either stupid or blind because I could never trust you. And if I can’t trust you, then I will never love you.”
His mouth fell open slightly and he stared back at me. Holden’s eyebrows raised in disbelief before he found a bemused smile. It was as empty as his eyes.
“What the fuck do you think is funny about this?” I seethed.
“I withdraw my previous statement,” he said flatly. “I was wrong. You aren’t gone.”
I opened my mouth to interrupt him, but it was too late. The words were already free of his mouth.
“Welcome back, Kerrigan.”
Chapter Five
Holden didn’t follow me as I flew out the door—away from him and his lies. I was a few steps from leaving Sparrow Court behind me, hopefully forever, when Spencer opened the door to his grandfather’s study. He paused, surprise flashing across his handsome face when he found me rushing past him.
“Kerrigan,” he called, but I continued.
I couldn’t stop. I needed to break free before I found my cage locked forever. Behind me, heavy footsteps followed me quickly. I’d nearly reached the front door when a palm slammed into the wood panel, preventing me from opening it.
“Where are you going? I was calling you!” Spencer sounded tired, and I looked up to see exhaustion written over his face. But it wasn’t from lack of sleep. This was exhaustion that only came from carrying the heavier burdens of life. It was a weight Spencer had carried since his father died. It had been there since the moment we met, but tonight it looked heavier than normal. Now that another death marked his life, I wondered how it would weigh him down. I wondered if he would ever be the same. “Evie told me you were here. She said I should come to find you.”
A jolt of betrayal blasted through me. “Evie shouldn’t have done that.” I hoped he didn’t catch how my voice trembled with anger. “I just came by to give something to Holden. I found it in my things from Yorkshire.”
Spencer shifted his body and slumped against the door. He did a good job of looking like he was simply relaxing, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was bracing it against my departure. It was as if he was trapping me himself. “What was that?”
“Huh?” I asked, feeling confused.
“What did you give him?” Ice crackled in his words. He already suspected Holden had feelings for me. Now I realized that he suspected I shared those feelings.
I gave him a piece of my mind. But I couldn’t say that out loud. Not without having an explanation, and, the truth was that Spencer wasn’t entirely wrong in his suspicions. “A notebook. I borrowed it at Haworth.”
“With all the chaos, I forgot you went there with him,” Spencer said bitterly. “If I had known all of this would happen...I should have stayed in Yorkshire with you.”
Despite the confusion, I felt about Spencer and his family, pity took hold of me. “But at least you got to say goodbye to your grandfather,” I pointed out. “If you hadn’t returned, you wouldn’t have seen him one last time.”
“Do you think I care about that?” A cruel, unfamiliar laugh spilled from him. “I would rather have been with you. We could have done much more interesting things than visit the homes of old, dead women.”
I’d already told Spencer that I enjoyed the moors and the Brontes’ home. He hadn’t heard me then. He wouldn’t hear me now. I seemed to only matter within the context of his own existence.
“Maybe next time,” I said flatly, knowing there would be no next time. Not for us.
“Something’s different about you,” Spencer said in a quiet tone. His green eyes studied me intently. I wondered if he could see the truth. Could he tell that I was lying? Could he see that I knew something? Did he know something himself?
But I wasn’t the only one that had changed. Everything was different since Yorkshire. The world had shifted on its axis and now things felt upside down and inside out. It was as though I was looking in a mirror. Holden loved me. Spencer coveted me. I was Kerrigan, not Kate. I belonged to this world, not the one I left behind. None of it made any sense, and the longer I stayed here trying to understand, the crazier I felt.
“I need to go. I have a headache,” I lied. It was a lame excuse, but Spencer’s face softened, the cruel manipulativeness vanishing. Concern replaced it. How did he change direction so easily? Was it the gift of a politician or something else entirely?
I’d once thought that Holden was the unreadable brother. I was beginning to wonder if Spencer was hiding even more secrets.
“A headache? You should say then,” Spencer said.
“Don’t be silly. You have your hands full. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I kept my eyes on the door, not trusting myself to look at him. I reached for the doorknob, but he caught my wrist.