Holden remained quiet, and I found myself unable to bear it.
“And there were pictures of me. He’d found me somehow and had me followed.”
“Why would he do that?” Darkness coated his words, and I looked up to find him watching me carefully.
“Because he thinks I’m her.”
I didn’t know what to expect when I told Holden this, but I’d hoped it would provide some clue as to the truth. But he didn’t react. He sat there, his hand warm on my knee and his face a blank mask.
“Holden,” my voice broke on his name. “He lied to me. He doesn’t want me to pretend to be her. He’s going to force me to…”
“To what?” Holden pressed. “What do you think he’s planning?”
Before I’d walked into Sparrow Court, I was certain that this was part of some desperate scheme on Tod Belmond’s part to ensure what he wanted most: the marriage of his daughter to Spencer Byrd.
“He’s obsessed with uniting his family with yours. I don’t think he cares if it’s me or Kerrigan marrying Spencer.”
Holden’s eyes closed briefly, a grimace of pain contorting his face.
“I know you don’t want her to marry him,” I added quietly.
He looked up at me and shook his head. “You still don’t get it, dirty girl. I don’t want you to marry him.”
Chapter Four
“Because then he wins?” I don’t know why I thought Holden could see past his rivalry with Spencer long enough to care about Tod’s treachery.
“Is that what you think this is about?” Holden asked darkly.
“Why would I think anything else? First, you loved Kerrigan. Then you wanted me. Your affection doesn’t last longer than the next distraction,” I exploded. Jumping to my feet, I turned to go. “I don’t know why I came here. I’m sorry for interrupting your grieving process.”
Holden’s hand shot out and caught my arm before I could leave. I tugged half-heartedly at his grip but couldn’t find the strength to pull away. I’d come here for answers, but I was going to leave more confused than ever.
“Why did you come to me?” he asked roughly.
“Believe me, I’m asking myself the same question,” I spit back. I didn’t have an answer. Why had I believed Holden held the key to the secrets I needed to unlock?
“Try again,” he said in a soft voice. “Why did you come to me?”
I stilled and stared at him, waiting for him to explain what he meant. When he didn’t, I felt the last of my patience dissolve. “I don’t know,” I snapped. “I thought you would tell me the truth.”
“Is that what you’re after?” He studied me for a moment. His pupils were dilated from the low light and alcohol. I smelled its warmth on his breath, almost as hot as the hand wrapped around my wrist.
“What else would I be here for?” I asked, but my own mouth went dry as soon as the question left my mouth. There was another reason I was here. With him so close to me, it was impossible to ignore that fact. I’d come looking for both answers and comfort. I had been so sure that Holden could offer me both. “I’m sorry I came.”
I tried to pull away, but he merely shifted and drew me into his arms. An ache filled me as our bodies crashed softly together. Holden made no move to touch me even though I was close enough to kiss. Instead, his arms wrapped around me, cradling me close to his hard body. This was wrong. I wasn’t supposed to be here with him. He wasn’t the one that I should have come to, but even as my thoughts waged war in my head, a peacefulness settled in my chest. It only lasted a fraction of a second before I pushed it away along with Holden. I stumbled back a few steps and shook my head.
“I can’t do this,” I murmured.
His head dropped, his shoulders following, and he didn’t respond. Finally, he drew a long breath and lifted his head. “What?”
“This,” I whispered. “Us.”
His eyes closed as his hands balled into fists. When he finally opened them, hollow pain looked back at me. “Which one of you?”
“What?” I shook my head, trying to clear the lingering effects of his presence.
“Which one of you can’t do this?” he asked, his tone rich with pain.
“I’m tired of the riddles,” I said. Anger surged through me like the billowing clouds of a fast-approaching storm. “Just say what you mean.”
“I don’t think I have to, dirty girl,” he said sadly. “I think you just have to listen.”
I thought of the last time I’d seen him in Yorkshire and what he’d said. “Why did you say Kerrigan isn’t coming back?”
He knew something. Was it the same thing Tod had found out? Is that why all of this was happening?
“She’s gone.” His lips turned up in a half-smile that stole my breath. “I’m not sure she was ever really here.”
“I can’t just replace her.” The words pitched out of me with a slight shriek. “I won’t.”
I waited for him to speak, clinging to the hope like a life preserver in a storm. He had to help me. Holden could find her. He cared about me. He wouldn’t let me marry Spencer in her place. I knew why he didn’t want me to marry him. I was sure of it, so why was he playing games with me?
“Why not?” he pushed. “You seem happy with Spencer. You’ll want for nothing.”
“How can you say that?” I asked breathlessly. “You of all people?”
“What?” he roared. “What about me? Why am I important? Tell me, Kerrigan!”
“How can you give up?” The question I’d tried to keep inside me tore from my mouth, ripping my heart out along with it. “Why won’t you fight for me?”
Then, I realized what he’d done. He called me Kerrigan. I caught my breath and held it, waiting for him to respond. He stared at me for a minute before his face contorted into a mirthless grin.
“I’ve never stopped fighting for you,” he said with a hollow laugh. “I waited. I listened. I loved you more than I’ve ever loved another soul, including my own—and you left me for her. And when you came back…”
“Her?” I blinked in confusion and was surprised when tears fell from my lashes. I hadn’t realized I was crying.
“Kate,” he said the name with spite. “Her. I thought it was a twisted joke, and then I realized it was so much worse than that.”
Holden was drunk. He wasn’t making sense. It had been foolish to come to him, but even stupider to stay after I smelled the Scotch on his breath. Did he even know he was talking to me? Did he think I was her?
“How much have you had to drink?” I pointed to the bottle.
“I opened that one for the occasion,” he informed me. “We’re celebrating around here. The old tyrant is dead, but that doesn’t change the truth about you, dirty girl.”
“You’re drunk. I should go.” I turned to walk away.
“Just face it already,” he yelled. “Stop pretending!”
“What are you saying, Holden?” I asked slowly because I wasn’t certain I wanted to know the answer.