I rub her back and lean away so I can see her face, then wipe her tears with my thumbs. “It isn’t you. One-Eye and Mommy needed some time apart. In order to be together, there were certain things we had to work on without each other. We agreed to give each other space.”
“But what’s that have to do with me? I don’t want space.”
I open my mouth to answer and realize I don’t have a good response, at least not one that is worthy of the truth. Kimmy could have continued to see One-Eye, but I was so ready to run away from him, I didn’t give him the chance to even ask if he wanted to see her.
If I had to go back, if I had the chance, I would do things differently with One-Eye.
“That’s my fault,” I admit. “I’ve had to get better for One-Eye.” I leave out the part where he agreed with me because there were things he wanted to fix about himself too. “I guess, I thought if we weren’t seeing each other, then that meant not seeing you. I’m so sorry, baby. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Can you ask?”
“Ask what?”
“Can I see him today?” She blinks up at me, red cheeks from tears and a bright cherry nose from sniffling.
I haven’t spoken to One-Eye since we broke up, but I can’t deny my daughter. He could say no and it could break her heart, but I think she deserves better. She saw One-Eye as a father figure, and I can’t fault her for that. Of course she misses him.
He’s the kind of man any woman would miss. He is the kind a woman loves and needs, the kind that leaves a woman like me in regret for being controlled by fear One-Eye never instilled in me.
“I can try, sweetie. Okay? Just don’t get your hopes up. He might not be able to see you today.” I give her a slight smile and close the door, then press my back against it for a second.
I wasn’t expecting this and I’m not ready. I’m nervous. I dig into my purse and grab my phone, clicking it on to see no new messages. I don’t really talk to anyone besides my neighbor Carly. I scroll through my contacts and hit the heart emoji I have for One-Eye’s name. I never liked calling him One-Eye, but he never let me see too far into his soul to figure out who he really is.
Having one eye isn’t who he is, it is what happened to him. I wanted the dirty details, the secrets, the pain, the man that hid behind the eye mask, but he couldn’t give that to me. It didn’t feel right putting his name in as One-Eye.
He has a real name, the name that matches the kind heart pumping in his chest.
I peer into the car and see Kimmy wiping her cheeks. I have to do this for her. I press the call button and place the phone against my ear, a part of me hoping he doesn’t answer and the other part needing him to.
It rings and rings.
I go to hang up when a deep voice I miss whispering into my ear at night stops me.
“Alicia? Is everything okay?”
This cannot be right. I know my Hot Mama isn’t calling me. I have to be dreaming or wishing or seeing things. Am I drunk?
No. I haven’t drunk a thing. It’s too early for that nonsense.
“Alicia? Talk to me, Mama. Are you hurt? What’s wrong?” I hold my finger up to stop Arrow from asking a question about who I am talking to and lean against the counter of the new business place for… our weed endeavor.
“Hi, One-Eye.” Her voice crackles when she says my name and my knees nearly buckle.
I want to cheer and shout. I want to tell her I love her and miss her. I want her to come home, but I keep it locked away along with so many other things she wants that I can’t give.
I clear my throat. “You okay?”
“Yeah. Yes, I’m so sorry for calling out of the blue like this. Kimmy—”
My little girl. God, I haven’t gone a day without thinking of her. I have a corner in my bedroom stacked with gifts for her, just things I saw that reminded me of her. I know I shouldn’t have, but I had to just in case my girls came back to me. “Did something happen to her? Is she okay?” I begin to panic, hating that I haven’t picked up the phone sooner to call them, but Alicia had to come to me.
“She’s okay. She did get into a fight today. She’s suspended for two weeks. She broke a boy’s nose because he said some hurtful things.”
My chest puffs with pride but I don’t say how proud I am. Mama wouldn’t like that. “Wow,” I note, trying to stay neutral. “How’s her hand?”
“Hurts, but she doesn’t care. She’s asking about you.”
I open the front door to the new building we own and step outside, passing Warden, Bane, and Kansas.
“She really wants to see you, One-Eye. I think we should have talked about her more before we… took time apart. Would you want to see her? Maybe we schedule times where you can? She misses you.”
I blink my good eye a few times and stare at the sun to stop the emotion from falling. I rub my chest and nod, forgetting she can’t see me. “I’d love to see her. Please. I’d… I’d really fucking love that.”
“She wants to see you now. I have to work, but if I drop her off, I can pick her up later. If you’re okay with that?”
“Or she can stay,” I offer. “She still has her own room here.” I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t have the heart to change it when Alicia left and I’m glad I didn’t. “Unless you don’t feel comfortable with us around her, which I understand.” My strong Mama has years of trauma from her abusive ex that I helped my brothers kill.
I didn’t lay a hand on him personally, just like she asked me to, but that didn’t matter. I dragged him to the door of hell myself and let my brothers have their fun. I understand why that shook her up, even if I didn’t do it. Killing him was the catalyst that ended the best thing that’s ever happened to me. It triggered something inside her that led her to be unable to trust me.
It was the best and worst decision I’ve ever made in my life.
“No, god, no.” I can nearly see her shaking her head and pinching the bridge of her nose like she always does. “It isn’t that. She can stay if she wants. I trust you. I’m scared, not of you, but of men, is what I’m learning about myself. I’m working through it, One-Eye.”
“Quin,” I find myself blurting, then I look around to make sure no one heard me.
“What?”
“My name, the one thing you’ve always wanted. It’s Quin. I don’t like it. My parents expected a girl and wanted to name her Quin but figured it was unisex, so they didn’t change it when I surprised them. So yeah, my name is Quin.”
“Quin,” she whispers in a way that tells me she’s trying it out.
It sends a quiver right through my heart and down my spine.
“I love it. It suits you, Quin.”
I grin to myself, my cheeks hurting from being so happy. I toe the ground with my boot as if I’m some lovestruck teenage boy. “Thanks, Alicia.”
A moment of silence fills the time we spend on the phone. I don’t know what to say, but I don’t want to get off. I don’t want this call to end. I’ve been waiting for it for far too long.
“I have to get to work. Can I drop her off, or maybe you can come get her?”