“I’d never hurt you,” he admits softly.
“Not physical pain, One-Eye.” I meet his gaze and his good eye steals another piece of me, because while One-Eye doesn’t tell me anything, his eye tells me one thing. There’s pain lingering in his soul. I want to reach in and take it away, but he won’t let me close enough.
“Then I guess trying not to hurt one another is too late because this fuc-freaking hurts,” he corrects himself. “This hurts way more than I ever thought it would.” His brows furrow in the middle. “I’ve never felt like this for anyone else.”
“Me either.”
“But it isn’t enough.”
“It isn’t enough, and you know that,” I state. “I feel like the closer I try to get, the further you move away and the bigger you build your walls. And I am struggling with what you did because you did it for me, to protect me and keep me safe. I know that here.” I tap my chest. “But my mind is overthinking.”
“What are the chances of us getting past this, though? What if we do heal and we get ‘fixed?’ I know in my experience, people never come back together. When they say ‘I need to focus on me’ what that really means is they just don’t want to be together and want to see other people.”
“I don’t want to see other people, One-Eye. There is no one else.”
“There isn’t anyone for me either. I think I loved you from the first time I laid eyes on you.” His thumb brushes over the top of my hand and another tear drops down my cheek.
I think I love him too. It was instant when I saw him, and Kimmy loved him too. I’ll never forget when he tried to learn how to skate. It was slow, steady, and hilarious. He fell so many times, but he always got back up. It’s a memory I’ll keep with me forever.
“Do you believe there is a future for us?” he asks. His one golden-brown eye with long curly lashes stares at me with fear and hope. Longing, yet doubt.
“I want there to be, One-Eye. I really do.”
“I do too, Mama. I do too, so much. I love you both.” Emotion clogs his throat, and he lifts a hand to cover his mouth to cough. “If you ever need anything, anything at all, please feel comfortable enough to call me. I’ll be there, Mama. I’ll always be there.”
“I don’t want this!” I finally sob and yank my hand away, burying my face in my palms as I cry. My heart is being ripped from my chest. Why is love so damn hard?
“I don’t either, but you know what? I don’t think we know how to grow together right now. All I can think of is, I know you’re meant to be mine, so I have to be patient. And in that time, I have to better myself. I have to learn to let you in. I can’t do that right now. I can’t give you what you want.”
“And I can’t give you what you want.” I can’t tell him that I know one hundred percent he’d never hurt me or Kimmy. It’s irrational, but it is a fear I need to conquer in order to be submerged in his life and the biker world.
My issues are mine to overcome if I want to trust him.
“What if this is it? What if we will never see each other again?” The words are caught on a hiccup. God, the thought of not seeing him again fills my veins with poison. The kind that takes its time, slowly sapping away my strength, stopping me from moving and breathing until I’m only a shell of myself until I finally die.
It would be torture.
He shakes his head and his cheeks redden. Emotion overcomes his voice. “I can’t think like that. I can’t believe that, or I don’t think I’ll know how to make it another day.”
“Me either.”
One-Eye’s phone rings, breaking the sad, depressing moment. “I’m sorry. I have to take this. It’s Prez.”
Boomer.
That’s another thing. The club is always first and I respect that, but I have a child to think of and she is first. Nothing and no one will change that. The club would never be first in my eyes, and I think that’s another disconnect between us.
One-Eye slumps in the red booth and nods. “I understand, Prez. Yeah, I’ll be there.” He ends the call and tucks his phone in his cut. “I have to get to the Clubhouse. Club business,” he gives me the vaguest answer he can.
It isn’t the only thing he is vague about. He’s vague about himself too.
“As always,” I say bitterly. I don’t mean for it to slip, but it comes out. I shouldn’t have said that. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” He stands and Kimmy notices, ripping her eyes off the movie playing on the tablet.
She yanks out her headphones and gives One-Eye a big, toothless smile. “Are we done?”
“I have to go. Boomer called and you know I always have to go when he says,” One-Eye explains gently, then falls to his knee to get on Kimmy’s level.
“Are we going to see you tonight?” she asks as she scoots out of the booth and I follow her as well, preparing to say goodbye.
“I don’t think so. It actually might be a while, but don’t worry, you’ll always be on my mind, okay?”
“Why is your eye watering, One-Eye?”
“I’m just sad I won’t see and your mom for a while. I’ll miss you both,” he explains.
I turn my head away and wipe my cheek again, hating myself more as the seconds pass.
“We will miss you too, but we will see you soon, right?”
“Right,” One-Eye gives her a tight smile. “I love you, Kiddo.”
“I love you too.” Kimmy wraps her arms around his neck and gives him a big hug. His arms make her look so small as he holds her.
I love those arms. So big and strong. Dangerous, yet delicate.
Kimmy lets go and One-Eye stands. His hand cups my cheek and he presses his forehead against mine, then kisses me.
A goodbye kiss.
His lips are soft, and our mouths move together as if they are made for the other.
I bet they are.
“I had to kiss you one more time,” he mumbles against my lip, then his thumb is there, stroking against my bottom lip. Then he brings his mouth to my ear and whispers, “If I knew it would have been the last time I laughed with you, held you, and kissed you, I would have made love to you better, harder, longer. I should have treated every moment, every time I was inside you, like it was the last moment. And maybe then I wouldn’t miss you so goddamn much already.” His hand drops from my face, leaving my cheek open to the cold air. I miss his warmth already.
I miss him.
“I’ll be looking forward to the day you’re mine again,” he says, pressing a kiss against the side of my mouth before stepping away. He gives me a longing look, then ruffles Kimmy’s hair and walks across the black and white checkered floor, vanishing out the door.
I just hope he hasn’t disappeared from our lives forever.
I just hope the future holds more than pain and disappointment.
I’ve lost track of how many months it’s been since Alicia and I broke up. I’ve been putting on a brave face, but it’s all just a farce. I miss my sexy little Mama so fucking much, it’s hard to find the motivation to get up in the mornings.
We haven’t spoken a word and I knew we wouldn’t. When people decide to take a break, it’s usually for good. We can take the time to find ourselves or whatever, but at the end of the day, the chances of us coming together again are slim.