She steps closer, her mouth parting as if she wants to say something, but she doesn’t. Instead, she takes my face and gives me a slow, tender, soft peck against the lips. Nothing hot or heavy, but sad and longing.
Alicia wants to take it further. I can feel it, but she’s holding herself back. For some reason, it feels like goodbye all over again.
“I never deserved a second of you,” she says against my lips before pulling away.
I grip her by the hand and tug her back to me. “You deserve everything, Alicia. Everything. It’s okay to have things to sort out. That doesn’t make you less deserving. I had and still have things to work through too, but that doesn’t mean I’m less deserving of what I want. It just means I need to work to get there. Don’t ever say things like that about yourself, Mama.” I take her face in my hands and marvel at the softness of her skin and the emerald shimmer of her eyes.
“I want to be ready for you,” she admits and takes a step back. “I need to go. Let me know if she needs me.”
“Alicia.”
“I have to go, Quin.” She presses her hand over her lips and turns away, leaving me staring at her long, flaming red hair.
“Alicia,” I whisper, and I’m taken back to the diner, hating how much she fights this.
I’d be there for her if she let me. I’d be there every step of the way while we heal together, but there is only so much I can do until she lets me in.
She thinks it’s me not allowing her in—and in part, I guess that’s true—but really, it’s her. She ran from us when she felt how real it was. She’s so used to a man who doesn’t give a shit about her, who beats her, who talks down to her, that she doesn’t know how to be when she is in something real.
I can’t fault her for that.
She’s trying to overcome her issues and be better.
What more can a person ask for?
It wasn’t just me who wanted to go to the boardwalk. A bunch of us came. After Alicia left, I ran the idea by Boomer, and he texted everyone.
Even Veronica and Victoria, Kansas’s ol’ lady’s sisters came.
Even cranky Homer is with us. It’s a regular family outing and I didn’t realize how much I needed this. Kimmy is on my shoulders and I have a firm grip on her legs. She’s smiling, waving around a large stick of pink cotton candy.
Alicia might kill me for all the sugar I’m feeding her, but I think it’s worth it since Kimmy is so happy. I’ll take smiles over tears any day.
“Come on, smile, guys!” Violet holds a Polaroid camera out in front of her to take our picture and I turn my head.
“I don’t do pictures, V. I’m sorry,” I say.
“Oh, please, please? Da—I mean, One-Eye. Can’t we? I want a picture with you.” Kimmy corrects herself. I swear she was about to call me dad.
Maybe it’s wishful thinking.
“You know I can’t say no to you, don’t you?” I look up at her and swing her down to my eye level. I begin to tickle her, and she screams in laughter. She’s adorable. I never thought that this would be what having a kid is really like. Her laughter calms down and I place her back onto my shoulders, grinning up at her. “Fine. We will take pictures.”
“Already done.” Violet hands me four photos and they are perfect.
I look happy.
For the first time in months, I’m happy. I have a smile on my face, as big as it can get, and so does Kimmy. The last one is of me looking up at Kimmy, smiling, but my head is turned in a way that you can’t see the eye patch covering my eye. Her hands are in the air, and nothing has ever looked more perfect.
My heart is full.
“Thank you, V,” I say, just as she steals a picture of Kansas with his brothers, Carson and Brighton, then his sister Stevie as they walk down the boardwalk.
That’s been a touchy subject, but I think Kansas and his family are making strides. It isn’t easy though. Their father lied to them all, having two completely separate families as if he was living another life. Kansas had a hard time accepting his brothers and sister, but every day he makes progress.
“Anytime,” she smiles.
“Can I call you Quin too?” Kimmy asks, tapping the top of my head.
“Quin? I didn’t know that was your name,” Bane interrupts. At least I think it’s Bane.
“It’s cute,” Warden—I think—adds. “Like a dog or something.”
“Don’t make fun of him. I’ll kick your butt!” Kimmy threatens the twins, shaking her tiny fist at the grown men.
They lift their hands in surrender. “We’re sorry. It won’t happen again.”
“Damn straight,” she chuffs.
Everyone roars with laughter, but I’m horrified. “You can’t say ‘damn’, Squirt. Your mom will kill me.”
“No, she won’t. Mommy loves you so much. I hear her cry every night for you. I have to crawl into bed with her and hold her to tell her everything will be okay. My mommy is just lost right now.”
I swallow hard and the guys seem to read my mind to give us some space. They head in the direction of the hot dog stand while I take Kimmy to a bench. “Down we go,” I grunt as I pick her up to place her feet on the ground. What I love about kids is that they never know what not to say about an adult. They don’t have the filter we have. They are honest. They have no clue about what is private and what isn’t.
“I don’t think your mama wanted me to know that, Kimmy.”
“But it’s true. Mommy misses you.”
“I miss her too.”
“Then why can’t you be together?”
“Boring adult stuff we have to work through.”
“Like errands?” She curls her nose up in clear dislike. “I don’t like errands.”
I nod. “Yeah, it’s kind of like errands.”
“Aw, errands are no fun.”
“Tell me about it.” I sit down on the bench and Kimmy sits right next to me, curling up to my side.
“Will you and Mommy be together again?”
I let out the biggest sigh ever known to man. “I don’t know, Squirt. I wish I had an answer for you. All I can do is trust how I feel and believe it will all work out.”
“Do you love Mommy?”
“Very much,” I admit.
“Then it has to work out. I don’t want anyone else to be my daddy but you.” She loops her arm through mine; hearing her say the word ‘daddy’ has me wanting to shout to the world in happiness. “Can we go get a snow cone?” Kimmy changes subjects in typical kid fashion while I’m still reeling from her wanting me to be her dad.
“I want to be your dad too, Squirt.” I somehow say without becoming emotional. Kids really do have a way of wrecking your insides. “And yeah, we can get a snow cone, and then do you want to play a few games? Maybe go on the Ferris wheel?”
“Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!” She jumps up from the bench and claps her hands.
Boomer is shaking his head at me as he shares a cup of ice cream with Scarlett. As I pass them, Kimmy is dragging me behind her to the snow cones, and Boomer whispers, “She has you wrapped around her finger.”