He’s here all the time.
Breathing over my shoulder, whispering how horrible of a mother I am. I can feel his rancid touch, the harmful intent of his hands wrapping around my neck.
I can still feel his hate.
And I’m drowning in it.
I’m being asphyxiated by the dead and he isn’t even here.
“Get it together.” I press the palm of my hands against my eyes and rub the tears away.
The TV turns on when I accidentally sit on the remote and the reporter is at the boardwalk. I turn up the volume.
“We’re reporting live from the boardwalk with breaking news. The Ferris wheel is on fire and the metal is slowly melting, bending the frame closer to the water. There are people stuck on the ride and the Atlantic City Fire Department is doing everything they can to get the ones they can off, but it’s the people at the top they are concerned about the most as the Ferris wheel begins to lean.”
“Oh my god,” I whisper to myself and scoot closer to the edge of the couch.
“We have someone here with us who says he knows someone who is stuck on the Ferris wheel.“
She shoves the mic in his face, and I don’t even need to think twice to know who it is. It’s Boomer, President of the Ruthless Kings. He has his hands laced on top of his head and he is staring up at the Ferris wheel with concern. Kansas is next to him, rubbing a hand over his face.
“Where is One-Eye? Come on, come on, come on. Show One-Eye. Show Kimmy,” I say to myself, getting on my knees and sliding them across the carpet.
This time it’s new tears forming in my eyes as panic sets in and reality takes hold.
They are on that damn Ferris wheel. They have to be.
“Sir, you said you have someone on the—”
Everyone screams and gasps, the reporter turning her head to watch as the Ferris wheel leans more.
“He isn’t just someone. He’s my damn brother and his daughter is with him. Fuck. Fuck. Kansas, I need you to go get Alicia,” he says to him just as the cameraman moves his attention to the ride and away from Boomer.
I collapse on my butt and think about what to do. My phone. I need my phone. I can call One-Eye and talk to them. No… no, I can’t do that. They are probably stressed right now, holding on for dear life.
My phone rings, taking me right out of my thoughts. I scramble to my feet and dig through my purse with shaky hands.
Kansas.
“Kansas! I just saw the news. Is… are they okay? Oh god, nothing can happen to them. Please,” I beg him as if he can save them from crashing into the water and drowning under a pile of rubble.
“Right now, they are. I’m coming to get you, okay? Don’t attempt to drive right now. I was hoping I’d catch you before the news.”
I place my hand to my heart and catch myself on the counter as my knees buckle, jostling tears from my eyes. “Kansas, I know things are complicated, but I don’t want anything to happen to him or Kimmy. Nothing can happen. Do you understand?”
“If there is one thing I know about Quin, it’s his ability to survive anything. A Ferris wheel falling is nothing compared to getting his eye burned and cut out. Kimmy couldn’t be safer. You hear me?”
“I hear you,” I choke, holding the phone to my ear. I get lost in thoughts and what-ifs.
I think of life with Quin and how it could be, if I could stop being afraid and proud. I’m so determined to make it through life on my own after not being on my own for long, I’ve forgotten what it is like to be able to count on a person.
“Alicia!”
Kansas’s voice has me screaming and I jump, my phone falling from my hand and clattering to pieces on the ground.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I was pounding on the door and got worried.”
“I didn’t even know you got off the phone,” I say in a daze.
He stares at me with worry, but takes my hand, his presence calming me. “You’re okay. They will be okay. He needs us to be calm and he needs us to be there. Okay?”
I nod absently. I don’t think I’m fully comprehending what is happening right now. It feels like a dream. What are the chances of something like this happening? A Ferris wheel failing? I mean, what the fuck?
Before I know it, I’m in the passenger seat of the truck slamming the door shut. Kansas doesn’t bother putting his seatbelt on as he peels out of the parking lot. How did they know where I live?
I guess it doesn’t matter. I should have known they would know.
They know everything they want to know.
“How did this happen?” I croak as Kansas speeds through traffic.
“It’s just a freak accident. No one could prepare for it, and we are prepared for a hundred different scenarios, Alicia. Please, don’t be mad at One-Eye for this,” he says.
I turn my head at him, narrowing my eyes through the monsoon of tears. “Mad at him? Mad? I’m far from mad. How could you even think for one second I would blame him? I want him safe. I need Kimmy safe. Do you think I would have left her with just anyone? That little girl is his damn world. I know that. I know he wouldn’t let anything happen to her. I do not blame him. I will never blame him, but I will worry for them. I will be afraid. I know you paint me as the villain and that’s fine, I can live with that, but don’t go painting me with a brush you know nothing about, Kansas. I’m not heartless. I’m fucked up, but heartless? I’m not.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset. I shouldn’t have said that. Maybe after this, you and One-Eye can be together,” he suggests, the hope in his voice killing me a bit more.
“It isn’t that easy,” I whisper. “Nothing is ever that easy.”
“It can be if you let it.”
“I know, and that’s what is wrong with me. I can’t let it, but I’m working through it. I’m trying to get better.”
“Let’s hope this doesn’t set you back then,” he replies, slamming the truck into park on the side of the road, right before the entrance of the parking lot. There are too many cars now. People have pulled over to gawk, different news station vans are parked on the side, and on top of that are all the fire trucks, ambulances, and police cars.
When I got involved with Quin, I knew I’d need to prepare myself for the unexpected. The unknown. I had predicted danger with weapons or drugs, maybe even whores or something along those lines, but I knew even with that, he would have kept me safe. Never once would I have ever thought I’d be here.
At a damn Ferris wheel, because one of those MC members wanted to give my daughter a fun night. It’s different from what I expected—which doesn’t mean those other things won’t happen, but I thought they would be first.
The sky is filling with smoke. From here, I can see the tall Ferris wheel leaning more than it was on the news.
“Oh, god,” I cover my mouth for a moment, but then it drops a few feet and screams echo through the entire boardwalk.
I sprint.
“Alicia!” Kansas calls out to me, but I don’t listen.
I run. Fast. Pumping my arms, barely breathing as I try to get to the Ferris wheel.
“Alicia. Damn it, slow down. You can’t get closer,” Kansas yells at me, but I don’t care.