I wasn’t thinking as I moved toward him and shoved against his chest. My fingers trembled along with my nerves. Dealing with Carson Hale was no longer something I wanted to do. I was so tired of his game of hot and cold. I was so exhausted trying to figure out what he wanted and didn’t want from me.
“Allie,” he said my name and made it sound like more than it was. I pushed him again, forcing his back to hit the wall in the hallway because that only pissed me off more. I felt that one simple word like it was racing through me, chasing something I didn’t have. “Fuck. Stop hitting me.”
“I’m not hitting you,” I hissed the words between my teeth because I wanted to hit him. I wanted to take every bit of aggression I felt out on him because it was all his fault.
He snatched my hand in his before I could push him again and held it against his chest. “What do you call that then?”
I tried to tug my hand back from him, but he refused to let go. He held my hand firmly against his chest as he scowled down at me. Every bit of the playfulness from earlier was gone.
“I call it pushing you away.” I tilted my head to the side and stared at him. “You should recognize that from a mile away. You’re the king of it, aren’t you?”
Finally, there was a trace of a smile on his lips, and it was all I needed to flame my anger. He was so damn cocky and sure that he was exactly what everyone else wanted, but he was wrong.
I wanted nothing to do with him. Not anymore. Not after everything happened and still continued to mess with my head. He made me weak, and I refused to be that girl anymore.
I refused to allow him to use me and my heart as nothing more than a toy for him to play with.
Because that was exactly what I had been all along.
“You’re the one who has been pushing me away lately, remember?”
“No.” I shook my head and tugged on my hand again. “I remember you being a complete and total asshole and ruining anything that might have happened between us.”
“You mean, what did happen between us.”
“No. I meant everything that you faked. Nothing that happened was real. None of it mattered.” My chest ached as I spoke the words, but I knew they were true. As badly as I wished they weren’t, that was my reality.
I had handed things over to Carson that he didn’t deserve. He played me and I fell into it effortlessly. It didn’t matter what he said about Eli. Carson was the devil in disguise. He was the one who burned me so damn easily without even trying.
Eli never stood a chance.
Not against him.
“Don’t say that.” He jerked my hand closer and forced my feet to stumble forward toward him. My other hand pressed against his chest to try to maintain distance between us. I couldn’t risk being so close to him that I couldn’t keep my head clear.
Being close to him did more than just mess with my head. It messed with every single part of me. My heart raced and I felt like I was falling. He was like my center of gravity and no matter how badly I wished he wasn’t, I was drawn to him.
It didn’t matter what he did or said or how badly he treated me, I was drawn to him in a way that I couldn’t explain or couldn’t deny.
And I hated it.
“Why wouldn’t I say that? It’s the truth.”
He shook his head before bringing his gaze back to me. “No. It’s not. Everything we have is real. That stupid fucking bet doesn’t matter.”
“You don’t get to decide that.” I jerked away from him again, and this time I slipped from his grip. “You made that bet without a single thought about how I would feel. You didn’t care that you made me look like a fool.”
“Really?” He pushed his hands through his hair and pushed off the wall. “The only reason I said yes to that bet was because I give a shit about you. Do you really think I would do anything with Lucas if not? Do you think I would stoop to his level?”
“I didn’t.” I was honest with him because as much as I hated Carson at that moment, he still would never be anything like Lucas. “But you’ve proven to be exactly who you are again and again. You are not the boy who used to be my best friend.”
“You’re right.” He swallowed so hard I could see the force of his Adam’s apple pushing against his throat. “I am not him, and I will never be him again. Is that what you want? Do you want me to go back to that pathetic kid who didn’t have a fucking clue about the world?”
His words were so harsh as he watched me, and they felt like a rough caress against my skin.
“I want you to go back to the guy who didn’t need to be all this.” I waved my hand in his direction. “I want you to go back to being the guy who wasn’t more concerned with getting into girls’ pants than he was with breaking their hearts.”
“Is that all you think this was?” He laughed and a chill ran down my spine. “Me trying to get into your pants?”
“You succeeded. Didn’t you?” I crossed my arms and stood my ground. My chest was heaving, and my heart raced, but I hoped he didn’t notice either. I hoped he didn’t see how affected I was by every little thing he said or did.
“I think I did more than succeed.” He stepped closer to me, and I took a step back. My heels bumped into the baseboard before my back hit the wall. “I gave you more of myself than I’ve ever given to anyone else, Allie. If that doesn’t mean anything to you, then fine, but it means something to me.”
He searched my eyes, and I tried to calm down. “Because you kissed me?”
He laughed again and shook his head. “Because I kissed you, because I...” he hesitated, and I held my breath for his next words.
“What, Carson? What did you do?”
“I have been trying to hold myself back. I was dying every second that I was touching you to tell you that...” He hesitated again and searched my eyes. This time I let him. I let him have whatever time he needed to work out what was going on in that fucked-up head of his. “I love you, Allie.”
His words should have thrilled me. I had been waiting for those words for as long as I could remember, but now they felt like a weapon.
Just another tool in his arsenal that he could use to destroy me.
Carson Hale didn’t love me.
He had no idea what love was.
And it wasn’t the idea of him not loving me that made me feel like I was breaking. It was the thought that I ever held onto any hope at all.
That sliver of hope that I tried to pretend wasn’t there had been my downfall all along.
“Don’t say things like that.” My voice was far too shaky, and I hated that I allowed him to see that weakness.
“I mean it.”
“No.” I shook my head as the anger built inside me. “You don’t. You don’t ever mean the things you say.”
“Allie, I don’t know what you want me to say.” He sounded just as frustrated as I did, but I didn’t care. I could no longer be a doormat for him. I refused to be exactly like the rest of the girls he was used to running all over. Even if I had been exactly that up until this point. “What do you want me to do?”
“Leave me alone.” I stared at him, and the ache in my chest became deeper. My words felt like a lie. They were a lie, but I knew that was what I needed. It didn’t matter what I wanted from him. What I wanted and what I needed were as opposite as the two of us.