I rolled down my windows and let the air rush through my hair. It felt good. It was finally starting to cool down, and I soaked in the feel of the breeze mixed with the warm glow of the sun as I drove away from my school.
I drove and I drove, and by the time I actually looked down at the clock again, I was almost late.
Carson was already there by the time I arrived, but that had become the norm. He was always here working away when I arrived. He acted like he actually took this seriously, like he actually cared what Mr. Sneed thought.
Even though Mr. Sneed didn’t give us any indication over whether or not he was happy with the work we were doing or if he planned on letting us stop any time soon. I think the old man had half a mind to keep us working as long as he could get away with it.
Carson didn’t say anything as I walked into the house. He was on his knees near the door, and he was sanding the old antique baseboards that were covered in years’ worth of paint. I set my bag down on the stairs and watched him as he worked.
He didn’t utter a word or so much as look in my direction, and I should have been happy. This was what I had been wanting for days, but it didn’t feel like what I wanted.
His shirt was clinging to his back with sweat, and he was sanding the board down like it had personally pissed him off. I grabbed the other block of sandpaper and dropped to my knees beside him. He kept working like he didn’t notice my presence at all.
I ran my sandpaper over the wood and tried to ignore him like he was ignoring me, but I couldn’t. I looked up at him, and it was then that I noticed his black eye and swollen bottom lip.
I dropped the sandpaper and reached out for him before I thought better of it and caught myself. My hand was so close to his face, and he finally looked up at me then.
His eye was worse than I thought. The bruising went down onto his cheekbone, and there was so much swelling that I was surprised his eye wasn’t swollen shut.
“What happened to you?” I pulled my hand away before I did something stupid and touched him, and he watched it retreat.
“Had an altercation.” His answer was curt.
“I can see that.” I cocked my head to the side to get a good look at him. The skin of his knuckles was broken and some of them were bruised, and I hated that he had been in a fight. “With anyone in particular?”
“Do you really want to know?” He spit out the question as he continued to sand, and I was shocked by his anger.
“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to know. Who did that to you?” I pointed to his eye.
“Well, technically you could say I did it to myself since I was the one who threw the first punch, but this black eye I’m sporting is courtesy of your little boyfriend.”
“You got in a fight with Eli?” I don’t know why that shocked me so much, but it did.
“Of course, you knew exactly who I was talking about,” he grumbled.
“Don’t be a baby.” I looked down at his knuckles. “You know good and well that he’s not my boyfriend.”
“Does everyone else know that?” He finally looked up at me again.
“What the heck is that supposed to mean?” I didn’t care what anyone else knew, and he usually didn’t either.
He dropped his sandpaper to the ground and stood. He was covered in dust, and it fell around him as he started pacing the room. “It means that he’s telling everyone at school that the two of you slept together.”
“Okay?” I had heard the rumor too, but I didn’t know that it had come straight from the ass’s mouth.
“Okay?” Carson laughed without a trace of humor. “So did you sleep with him?”
“Are you seriously asking me that?” I stood and faced him.
“Yes. I am.” He crossed his arms, and if I didn’t know him so well, I would have been intimidated. But this version of Carson was the broken boy that I had known for longer than any other version of him. He was insecure and latching on to whatever truth made the most sense to him. Whatever truth he expected other people to let him down with.
“No. I didn’t sleep with him, you asshole.” I turned on my heel and headed toward the door, but he stopped me with his hand on mine.
“I didn’t mean—"
“What, Carson?” I looked back at him over my shoulder. “You didn’t mean to assume that I slept with another guy right after I gave you my virginity or that I had lied to you and slept with him before?”
“I didn’t think you slept with him at all.” His fingers tightened around mine almost to the point of pain. “I just got so fucking angry listening to the shit he said, and it started fucking with my head.”
“What Eli says doesn’t matter. I don’t care what he says about me.”
“But I do.” He looked so lost in that moment, so at odds with the normal, cocky Carson I had become used to. “I can’t stand the thought of other people thinking that he had touched you, that he had been inside you.”
I jerked my hand out of his and stepped away as I turned to face him. “I’m not some fucking trophy, Carson. It’s not going to tarnish your precious reputation if people think someone else fucked something that you believe once belonged to you.”
“I don’t give a shit about my reputation.”
“Don’t you?” I was becoming so angry that part of me was happy he got that black eye. “Why else would you start a fight with Eli? You two had a bet and you won. Congratulations, Carson.”
He took a step toward me before stopping himself. “I got in a fight with him because I hate that he even had a chance at touching you. I hate that he kissed you. I hate that I agreed to that stupid fucking bet to begin with.” He stepped closer to me again. “I hate that I ever gave him the chance to hurt you.”
“He didn’t hurt me.” I looked him over, and I wished that he knew what he had always meant to me. I wished that we could go back and change the way our future had become. “You are the one who accomplished that.”
“And I told you that I’m sorry.”
“My sorrys have never been good enough for you, so what makes you think yours will ever be good enough for me?” I hated that truth, but I couldn’t hide it either.
He had hated me for so long and for much less than what he did to me.
He stormed toward me, and I didn’t have time to think let alone move before he pressed against me and backed me into the wall. I tried to catch my breath as his battered hand cupped my cheek.
“You know that’s not true.” He shook his head. “I’ve been so fucked up, Allie, and I shouldn’t have ever put any of that on you.”
I could barely swallow as he spoke, and he ran his hand over my neck and followed the movement. I could feel my pulse beating rapidly beneath his fingers. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes. It does.” He leaned in closer to me, and I didn’t move away.
It was stupid and reckless, but I couldn’t move away from him. Not when he was like this. He pressed his lips to mine, gently at first, then more harshly. It was as if that first touch set off a frenzy inside of him.
He kissed me like he had missed every inch of me. His hand tightened on my neck and the other tangled into my hair. I kissed him back just as hard.