I put every bit of anger and hurt into the kiss, and I hoped he felt it. I hoped that he knew this wasn’t some kiss that was going to make things better for us. I wasn’t sure that even existed.
There wasn’t anything that could take back the things that had been done.
His teeth pressed into my bottom lip before he sucked it into his mouth, and I couldn’t stop the small whimper that passed my lips.
There was an ache deep in my belly, an ache that only he had ever fixed, and I hated that one simple kiss could make me want him so badly. My legs trembled beneath me, and my heart felt like it didn’t even belong to me.
As much as I hated him, I was still so turned on by him. I wanted him regardless of everything that happened.
He pressed his hips into mine, and I felt how badly he wanted me too. It would be so easy to forget everything and give into each other. I didn’t need some grand gesture of love for me to fall apart under Carson’s hands, but I also knew that I couldn’t keep things separate either. The moment he touched me, him touching me now, it messed with my heart.
My chest ached as badly as the low ache in my stomach. My body was completely at war with itself.
If I gave into Carson now, I would hate him even more later. I would hate myself. Because no matter what happened or what he felt, I was in love with Carson Hale, and I was only at risk of falling deeper and deeper for him.
I was going to continue to fall, and he wouldn’t. I would fall and it would shred me apart.
Because Carson wasn’t the kind of guy I was meant to fall for. He wasn’t some knight in shining armor who was going to give me my happily ever after. I used to think he was, but I was so damn foolish.
The boy I used to daydream about and the boy touching me now were two different people. They were night and day, and I needed to draw the line of who he is and who he was in my head.
Right now, everything was muddy and nothing about us was clear, and every time I allowed something like this to happen, it only became worse.
I pushed against his chest, and Carson reluctantly pulled away from me. His breathing was harsh and mingled with mine, and he looked as lost as I was.
“We can’t do this.” My voice was barely a whisper between us, but it felt so heavy on my tongue.
“Allie.” He caressed my cheek, but I pulled away.
“No.” I pushed harder against him and didn’t look back as I walked away from him and out of the old house.
Chapter Four
Carson
We walked into the country club, and I knew she was there. Her car was parked outside, along with Josie’s, and Olly had tried to talk us into going somewhere else.
When we took a seat in the restaurant, it was all I could do to search every inch of the space looking for her, but I didn’t see her anywhere.
“I can’t believe Coach benched you. How long did he say again?” Beck asked.
“Two weeks.” I heard the kitchen door open and looked toward it, but it wasn’t her.
“That seems a bit harsh, but I guess it could be a lot worse.”
“Yeah.” Olly nodded. “You’re lucky he kept it between the team. The school would have probably suspended you both.”
“What about you?” Beck nodded toward Olly.
“No one saw us.” Olly chuckled. “I didn’t make a grand event out of it like Carson.”
They both chuckled and I rolled my eyes. “It’s not like I was planning it. Actually, I should really blame it on you. If you hadn’t come to practice so pissed, I wouldn’t have even gotten in trouble, asshole.”
“Okay,” Olly said sarcastically and leaned back in his chair. “I had just defended your girl’s honor, but please, blame it on me.”
I was obviously joking, but when I looked over at him, I realized that I never did thank him for that. “You’re right.” I held out my fist, and he bumped his against it. “Thank you for that.”
“No problem. I doubt Eli will be talking shit again anytime soon.”
“I don’t know.” Beck was checking his phone but put it down on the table. “He seems like a pretty big idiot, and he’s friends with Lucas. God knows he’s not going to be making any smart decisions.”
“This is true,” I said just as Josie walked up to the table.
“Hey, guys.” She grinned down at Beck. “What can I get you all to drink?”
Beck grabbed the edge of her apron and pulled her toward him. He didn’t give her any time to object as he pulled her down and pressed his lips to hers.
“Beck,” she huffed and straightened. “I’m at work.”
“So?” He looked up at her like she was crazy.
“So, I’d like to not get fired.”
We all chuckled because we knew that was never going to happen. Even if Beck’s dad didn’t own the place, Josie was a good worker and Mr. Clermont adored her.
“Now what do you all want to drink?”
“Water.”
“Same,” Olly answered.
“Is Allie here?” I leaned back in my chair and wished I never opened my big mouth.
Josie narrowed her eyes at me. “She is.”
I nodded and tried to appear disinterested, but I wasn’t fooling anyone. “Like, in the restaurant?”
Josie grinned this time before she spoke. “The last time I saw her she was back there in the kitchen making out with the hot new cook we got.”
Beck swatted at her leg, and she grimaced. “Ow.”
I knew she was fucking with me, but my heart still raced at her words.
“Don’t fuck around, Josie. He just got benched for fighting for her honor. I’d hate to see what he’d do if he actually caught another guy touching her.” Olly looked over at me. “He’s volatile now that she broke his heart.”
“She didn’t break my heart,” I grumbled, and they all three of them looked at me like they didn’t believe a single word I said.
“Didn’t she?” Josie put her hands on her hips. “From the outside looking in, it looks like the two of you broke each other’s hearts.”
“Well, since you’re so knowledgeable, do you think I have even the slightest chance of fixing things?”
“I don’t know.” She watched me. “And I honestly don’t know if I want you to. You’ve been a complete and total jerk to her.”
“I know.” We all did.
“And then you somehow convinced her to like you again after you’ve treated her like shit for as long as I’ve known you.”
“Yeah.”
“Then you broke her again.”
“I didn’t mean to. I...”
“It doesn’t matter what you meant to do. It’s what happened, and clinging to the fact that it’s not what you intended to happen is going to get you nowhere. If you want to get her back, you need to prove that you aren’t this asshole that you’ve made her believe you are.”
“I thought you didn’t want me to get her back.”
“I said I didn’t know.” She pointed at me. “I’m not sure if I trust you with her again.”