I need to stop thinking about Jackson Rivers, period.
Scowling, I stomp my way toward the quad near the library, eager to meet up with Hayden and Gracie. We all have a break at this particular time and we decided to make a date of it.
I am so grateful for these girls and their friendship. They’re older than me. They didn’t have to take me under their wing, yet they did anyway. I soak up every bit of advice they give me, which is a lot. Both of them are so completely different than me. They’re fearless. They go after what they want, and don’t let stupid things like their insecurities hold them back.
I could take more than a few lessons from them, I know this.
I spot them, one dark haired with golden highlights, the other one a bright blonde, sitting next to each other at a picnic table under a tree. They’re talking and laughing and I stride right up to their table, plopping my backpack on the bench before I slide in next to it.
“What’s so funny?” I ask, genuinely curious. I want in on the joke. I need some laughter in my life.
“Gracie was telling me about her latest boy toy,” Hayden says, a wicked smile curving her lips. Gracie gives her a shove, irritation flitting across her face. “What? It’s true.”
“He’s not a boy toy,” Gracie tells me. “That’s so crude.”
“What is he then?” Hayden asks.
“A boy I’m talking to,” Gracie says, sounding prim and proper. “I take that back. He’s not a boy. He’s a man.”
“How long have you been talking to him?” I ask.
Gracie shrugs. “A couple of weeks?”
“Where’d you two meet?”
“On Tinder,” Gracie says.
“Oh. I could never do that,” I say with a shake of my head.
“Don’t dismiss dating apps without giving them a try first. You really should give Tinder a chance. It’s such a great way to meet people who go here, live around here. Whatever,” Gracie says. “It’s how I’ve met the majority of the guys I’ve been with since I started college.”
“And how’s that working out for you?” Hayden says sarcastically.
Gracie shoves her again, making Hayden laugh. “Shut up, you. I remember you doing the same thing until you met Tony.”
“True, true.” Hayden nods, her gaze coming to mine. The smile on her face is sly. “Tell Ellie about your new man.”
Gracie bounces where she sits, clasping her hands together. “Gladly. He’s tall. Blond. Curly hair. Big Adam’s apple.”
I frown. “You like his…Adam’s apple?”
“It’s so cute when he swallows! I don’t know. I’m weird sometimes.” Gracie waves a hand dismissively. “Anyway, his name is Franz.”
I send a questioning look to Hayden, who’s watching me carefully. As if she’s waiting for my reaction.
“Franz?” I unzip my backpack and grab my water bottle from it, popping open the lid and taking a sip. “What’s up with the name?”
“He’s from Germany. He’s a transfer student,” Gracie says with excitement. “His accent is sexy.”
“Really? We had a German foreign exchange student at my high school when I was a freshman. He was really nice, but whenever he spoke German, it kind of…scared me.”
Gracie frowns. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. It’s a very intimidating sounding language,” I say with a shrug, not wanting to upset Gracie. She seems really excited by this guy.
I’ve come to realize quickly that she’s excited about every new guy who comes into her life. And that lasts a few weeks before she’s ready to move on. I’m guessing this Franz is on the tail end of his journey with Gracie.
“Well, he’s coming to our party at Tony’s tomorrow so you’ll get to meet him then,” Gracie says. She must see something on my face because she frowns. “You are coming to the party tomorrow, right?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug, suddenly wanting to evade this conversation.
Hayden rests her arms on top of the picnic table and leans across it, reminding me of a stern teacher. Which is perfect since that’s her major. “Why are you even considering bailing out on this party? We’re the ones in charge of it, and that includes you. Tony’s just being kind enough to let us have it at his place.”
“Yeah. I don’t know.” I shrug, trying to play it off.
Hayden sends Gracie a knowing look before blasting me with her intense gaze once again. “Does this have anything to do with a certain Jackson Rivers possibly showing up?”
“Not at all,” I say too quickly.
“Bullshit,” Hayden says on a sigh, shaking her head. “Ellie. Don’t let him scare you off.”
“Will he be there?”
“Probably,” Hayden says.
“Then I don’t want to be there,” I say firmly.
“Girl, you can’t let him control your social life,” Gracie says. “I hate Caleb with a passion, yet he’s always right there. In my face. I’ve just learned how to ignore him.”
“You don’t hate him,” Hayden reminds her.
“Yeah you definitely don’t,” I say. “But has Caleb kissed you? Led you on and then told you he just wants to be your friend?” I ask. They know what happened that night after the concert. How much he humiliated me after giving me the most spectacular kiss of my life.
I still can’t forgive him for it.
“Caleb propositions me pretty much every time we run into each other,” Gracie says. “He wants in my pants. Badly.”
“And she wants in his pants,” Hayden adds. “Badly.”
“I do not,” Gracie says irritably.
“I don’t want in Jackson’s pants,” I say.
“Liar,” they say at the same time before they start laughing.
I can’t help but laugh too, because they’re right. I’m a total liar. I would love to get in Jackson’s pants. But I’m not going to keep throwing myself at him. I can only take being rejected a couple of hundred times before I want to wither up and die.
His rejection that night was like having a hammer banged on top of my head. Knocking sense into me and making me see exactly what he was doing.
Using me. I made him feel good. Puffed up his ego, whatever. Yes, he had adoring fans at his concerts every night, but I was the one constant in his life who didn’t let him down. Who was always there to pick him up.
Well, screw that. I’m tired of picking someone up who doesn’t want me. Lesson learned, the hard way, but at least I didn’t get in too deep.
Okay, that’s a total lie. I got in way too deep with Jackson. I’m still there, treading water in the deep end. But I’m trying my best to get out, and Carson might be just the distraction I need.
“I met a boy,” I tell them, which silences their laughing almost immediately.
“Tell us more,” Hayden says, her eyes twinkling.
I explain my literal run-in with Carson. How cute he was. How he said he’d help me in class.
“I hate math,” I say, wrinkling my nose.
“How kind of him to offer,” Gracie says, waggling her eyebrows.