I want to take all of them home with me and promise them that no one will ever hurt them again.
The hardest part is when the mom goes back to their abuser and that means the kid has to go back too.
I walk into therapy and wave at the lady at the front desk. When I first started therapy, I went almost every single day. Now it’s just twice a week.
I made the realization there that I had been in—and grew up in—a cult.
I had my suspicions, but I was so blocked off from the world that it was all I knew. I didn't have a phone, a TV, nothing.
We had to wear white and we didn’t wear pants, ever. Our hair was not to be cut—there was so many rules.
If our husband thought we had sinned or disobeyed him, he had to punish his wife accordingly or the church would.
The church is filled with men who thrive on the power it gives them. We are nothing but bodies to them and we exist solely to give them pleasure.
“Hi Braelyn, how are you today?” I sit down in the chair.
She smiles. “I’m good. Xavier decided to throw up on me this morning, no biggie.”
I laugh. Only she would be so happy at her kid throwing up on her. “You ready to talk about what we’ve been putting off?” she asks.
I let out a deep breath, diving into it. “Yes.”
“Do you think you want to date?” she asks. It’s something we’ve mentioned but never really talked about.
“I’ve thought about it a great deal.” I shift in my seat so I can get more comfortable. “I think if someone comes into my life and I can find that happiness, I’m going to go for it.”
I have to learn to love myself and let myself realize that I do deserve good things to happen to me. “I am thirty-eight years old. I’m still young in a lot of ways,” I continue, getting lighter when I see the happiness on her face.
“So yes, I do want to date. I know that it will be hard for me, because I have PTSD, but I owe it to myself to let myself have that chance in life.”
Braelyn shuts her notebook. “I’m so incredibly proud of you, Bell. Look how far you’ve come. When you first got here, you freaked out if someone opened the door too abruptly.”
“You’ve helped me so much, Braelyn. You’ve made me realize that it’s time for me to live to the best of my ability. I’ve been robbed of many years of my life, but that is gone and past.”
I do have a fear that Michael will find me one day, but I can’t let that paralyze me.
“Do you think of kids?” Braelyn hesitantly asks.
I nod without hesitation. “I wouldn’t mind having kids. If I don't happen to find someone who can put up with my baggage, I’ve thought of adoption.”
Braelyn gives me a look, catching me self-doubting. “Anyone would be lucky to have you, Bell. You’re the strongest person I have ever met. You suffered abuse your whole life up until three months ago. You have gone beyond my expectations. You pushed yourself, you fought tooth and nail to bring yourself out of your hell. You grabbed onto life with both hands. If you aren’t the greatest success story, then I don’t know what is.”
I couldn’t stop the tears if I tried. Her words strike a part of me that doubted I could do this.
I walk over and hug Braelyn. I know it’s inappropriate, but I can’t help it. I have struggled with touch also. I never had healthy touching in my life, so I’ve had to learn to not flinch if someone raises their hand. Sometimes I am caught off guard and I almost fall to the floor, instinct and fear taking over.
It’s going to take time. Maybe I will always have triggers, but I don't care. I am forever grateful for the life I have now. I’m not sure how it could get better.
After our session, I drive down the road to the center, and one of the prospects at the gate lets me inside.
When I saw that this center was owned by a motorcycle club, I was wary. Everyone’s heard rumors and these places instill fear.
The members are nothing like I was expecting.
The Devil Souls MC are scary, don’t get me wrong, but I can tell the men are good men. They protect the girls there so they can be safe and heal without the fear of getting hurt.
I love it here.
I grab my bag and sling it over my shoulder. “Hi Liam, how are you today?” I smile at him. He is Braelyn's younger brother.
He takes my purse from me like it’s too heavy for me to carry. “I’m good. Waiting on Paisley to come over. One of the kids fell, so she’s coming to check them out.”
I’m instantly concerned, “Oh no, which baby is it?”
I don’t care if the kids are teenagers. I call them all babies. Liam’s face softens when he looks at me, “Ronny.”
My heart hurts. He has been through so much. His mother is not the best——she’s one I just can’t seem to connect to. She’s mad at the world, and she has a right to be, but not with Ronny. She’s cruel to him and I don’t like it.
“I’ll go check on him.” Liam places my bag in my locker and locks it for me.
No one blinked twice at seeing Liam carrying a white purse on his arm. I find it cute that he doesn’t care.
I wave goodbye to Liam and walk into the “living room,” as I call it. It’s a huge space with couches, multiple TVs, and toys for the kids.
I spot Ronny to the side of the room immediately, looking sad, and I see the huge knot on the side of his face.
I approach carefully so I don't startle him, “Hey Ronny, you okay? I heard you bumped your head?”
He smiles at me. He is truly a beautiful child, with his beautiful mocha-colored skin and piercing blue eyes. He’s so happy considering the life he was given.
“I did, Bell.” He stops talking and looks over at his mother, who is glaring at him from one of the couches.
Alarms go off in my head at the expression on his face. I don’t like the look she’s giving him.
“I got you something,” I whisper, to get his attention away from his mother. I may try to speak to her again to see if I could somehow help her through what is causing her to be ill towards Ronny.
He practically shakes in his seat in excitement. Yesterday we were talking and he mentioned that he has been dying to read the next Percy Jackson book, so I went to the bookstore and got him one.
I present the book, wrapped of course, sliding it across the table and making sure not to touch him because I don’t know if that’s okay with him or not.
Most people wouldn’t think of small little things like that, but sometimes good touches can be too much to bear.
He opens it so slowly, like he’s trying to savor it. When he finally takes it out of the paper, his eyes widen so big and his mouth opens in disbelief.
His beautiful eyes turn to look at me. He swallows hard and touches the cover of the book like he can’t believe it’s actually there. “Did you really buy this for me, Bell?”
His expression brings me such joy. “Yes I did, honey. It’s all yours. Once you finish that, I can get the next one.”
He picks the book up and clutches it to his chest. “Do you mind if I read while you sit with me?”
I’ll do whatever he wants me to do, so I sit right next to him and pull out my own book on my phone, and we sit and read in silence.