Conversation momentarily broke off when Erika entered the kitchen but after pointing her to the coffeepot, the third pot of the day, freshly brewed, discussion resumed. Erika sat down with her coffee at the table, whispering to Summer that she could take Beck.
Summer shook her head. “It’s nice to hold a baby again,” she said softly.
Erika’s chest felt warm and rather tender. Again, she thought how lucky Beck would be if this was his family, even as she worried that maybe she’d gotten it wrong. Maybe she’d gotten Summer’s hopes up, and created conflict that wasn’t necessary.
The men headed out shortly, and Erika spent the morning with Beck, feeding him when he woke up, then giving him a bath in the kitchen sink, before putting him in clean warm clothes.
Mrs. Wyatt invited Erika to join her in the den while she gave Beck an early lunch bottle. “The chairs are more comfortable,” Summer said, easing herself into her own recliner. “This is where we spend our evenings, but every now and then I like to come in here and just sit a bit. It’s warm in here, and quieter.”
Taking a seat on the leather covered couch, Erika nuzzled Beck’s warm sweet head. He smelled impossibly delicious—at least at this moment, after his bath, his small body in a fresh soft onesie, wrapped in an equally soft blanket. “It is nice in here,” she said, appreciating the old cast-iron wood stove in the corner, making the room toasty. “But if I’m not careful, I might fall asleep.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised. I heard Beck kept you up most of the night.”
“Until Billy came and saved me.” Erika paused, trying to ignore the weird wobbly sensation in her middle that she felt every time she pictured Billy and Beck together. “That was nice of him.”
Summer Wyatt leveled her gaze at Erika. “You think Billy’s the baby’s father?”
Erika suddenly found herself struggling to answer. She’d been so sure when she’d made the trip here. But now… now… she was worried she’d possibly muddled things up.
Erika needed a moment, and then chose her words carefully. “I’d thought so when I drove here, and I still think he could be. The timing makes sense. April and Billy were together last February, and Beck was born in late November. So it works on paper, but without the DNA test…” Her voice faded and she held her breath a moment, hating the flood of anxiety washing through her.
“You’re not confident anymore?”
“Beck would be lucky to be a part of this family. You have a wonderful family.”
“Billy told me the baby’s momma died in a car accident.”
Erika nodded. “Beck was in the car, but he survived. He didn’t even have a scratch.”
“A miracle.”
Erika nodded again. “I think so, too.”
“You’ve had him how long?”
“Three and a half weeks. Almost a month.”
“What’s your plan for him?”
“Find Beck’s daddy and let his daddy take over.”
“You don’t want him?”
Erika exhaled hard. “I’m in no position to become a single mom. That is not the life I’d want for Beck. He deserves more than what I can give him.”
“If Billy’s not the father, what do you plan to do?”
“I’ll keep looking.”
“And if you can’t find him?”
Emotion closed Erika’s throat, knotting the words in her heart. Her heart wanted Beck to be with family, but her head questioned if she was the right family. Could she provide for a child when she sometimes struggled to provide for herself? Could she give Beck what he deserved in life? Growing up in her chaotic, alcohol-infused family she used to wish she had been adopted, wishing she had a more stable family to love her, and care for her.
Adoption wasn’t a punishment. Adoption didn’t mean Beck wasn’t loved. It meant the opposite, that he was so valuable that Erika wanted him to have a family where he’d be raised with patience, and kindness, respect, and most of all love. Lots and lots of love, unlike April’s childhood. And unlike her own. “I’d consider all options for him, including adoption.”
Erika could feel Mrs. Wyatt’s hard stare. She sensed she hadn’t given Mrs. Wyatt the right answer but she wasn’t going to lie to Billy’s mother.
She glanced down at Beck and saw that he’d stopped sucking vigorously. His eyes were closing and the nipple just pressed against his mouth. She carefully eased the bottle from his lips, set the bottle on the table, and put Beck on her shoulder to gently burp him. He cuddled into the hollow of her shoulder and neck, his small fist pressed to her skin. She dipped her head, kissed the top of his head with its fine golden hair. There were only a few strands, so few that if you didn’t look carefully he appeared bald, but Erika saw them, and she was delighted by them, as they were new in the past month. He was growing up, getting bigger every day.
Could she give him up for adoption?
Could she really hand him over to strangers?
The tightness returned to her chest, tightness and a panic she couldn’t explain. She did love him, she’d come to love him, but did that give her the right to keep him? To raise him?
She looked up at Mrs. Wyatt who was still watching her.
“You’re attached to him, aren’t you?” the older woman asked.
“He’s a wonderful baby,” Erika said softly. “He deserves the sun and the moon and the stars.”
“I think you and Billy need to do some talking. Some real talking. When he comes back in, I’ll keep Beck, and you two find somewhere private to speak.”
Erika didn’t need time alone with Billy. In her mind, there was nothing to discuss. They just needed him to do the test, and then they’d have the information they needed, but she didn’t want to contradict Mrs. Wyatt, not when she’d been so welcoming to her. “I’d hate to leave Beck with you again as he might wake—”
“I’ve had four boys of my own, Erika. I can handle a baby for an hour or more.”
Billy stepped into the den then, and glanced from his mother to Erika. “Did I just hear my name?”
“You did,” his mother answered. “I was just telling Erika that when you have a minute, you and she should go somewhere private to talk.”
“Joe’s giving me a break. I was just going to make a sandwich and then I’m free for a bit.”
“Good. Make your sandwich, and I’ll keep an eye on Beck.” Summer hesitated. “You’d probably have the most privacy in the barn. I don’t think anyone’s in there right now.”
While Billy made his sandwich, Erika retrieved the car seat from upstairs and tucked Beck into it before placing it on the floor next to Mrs. Wyatt’s feet.
She then bundled up and marched out to the barn with Billy, snow slipping inside her shoes, making her nose wrinkle.
Reaching the barn, Billy handed her half of his sandwich. “Here, you’re probably hungry,” he said, after closing the barn door behind them.
It was a huge ham and cheddar sandwich, with lots of honey mustard on thick homemade white bread. “I’m not that hungry,” she answered.
“I’m not going to eat in front of you, so please, keep me company.”