I nudge her in the ribs, making her jump. “You always tell us how you don’t want to go there. Do not follow after Caleb by applying to Fresno State. Your dream school is UC Irvine, remember?”
Marley glares, but otherwise doesn’t argue with me. Probably because, deep down, she knows I’m right. Why should she sacrifice her dream school for a chance to catch a glimpse of Caleb on campus? Because that’s all she’ll get.
I like Caleb, but he isn’t interested in anyone but himself.
“Are you applying to San Diego State, Jos?” Sam asks me.
I slowly shake my head, fixing my gaze on the field below. “I can’t. It’s too far.”
My best friends are quiet for a moment, and I’m sure they’re wondering how to broach this subject next. It’s a sensitive one for me. One we haven’t talked about since I discovered I’m pregnant. November is when you apply for colleges, and I’m going to submit my one application. If I don’t get into Fresno State, then I’ll go to community college. I can’t stray too far. I need my family’s help with the baby.
I suppose I could apply to UC Merced, since it’s close by too, but I don’t know. I’ve never thought about going to that school before. I’ve never thought about going to any other school besides San Diego. Everywhere I apply now feels like I’m settling.
And is that the way I’m going to feel about a lot of my life choices? Maybe even…all of them? I have to settle for this because of what I’ve done? What we’ve done?
I hope not.
“Are you going to try for college at all?” Marley finally asks.
I meet her gaze. “I applied to Fresno State. It’s close, and I can still live at home and go to school. Mom told me she can watch the baby while I’m in class.”
Marley smiles. “I’m so glad you’re going to try and stay in school. It’s been your dream, to go to college.”
It has, but as a true college student. One who’d join a sorority or a bunch of clubs. One who’d live on campus in the dorms and make loads of new friends. Go to parties and get drunk and hang out with my cute boyfriend. That all sounded perfect. Like I would be living the dream.
My dream has gone up in smoke, and I can only blame myself because I chose to keep the baby. The idea of destroying the baby that’s a part of me, that’s a part of Diego—even though I’m furious at him and don’t want anything to do with him—I couldn’t do it. We aren’t a particularly religious family, though we went to church a lot when I was much younger. Over the years, though, we eventually stopped.
It wasn’t the voice of God stopping me from getting an abortion. It was me. Myself. I couldn’t do it.
The crowd erupts around us, jolting me back to the present and I realize we just scored another touchdown. This one was caught by Tony, and my heart pangs when I watch the boys from our team run toward him in celebration. Including Diego.
I remember when I’d accompany Diego to one of Tony’s aftergame parties. I’d stand with him and listen as he told everyone stories about the game. But the start of this year, I couldn’t go to very many of the parties. I was busy with volleyball. So Diego went by himself to most of them, texting me throughout the night and letting me know he missed me.
He eventually stopped texting. Probably when he started hanging out with Cami.
My gaze automatically goes to the sidelines where the cheer team is. They’re not wearing their usual uniforms. It’s too cold, so they’re clad in cold weather gear, but they still look cute with the giant white bows in their hair and their shiny metallic blue poms clutched in their hands. Cami stands front and center, beaming up at the crowd as she leads her team in yet another chant. She’s pretty, I can give her that, but her ugly black soul makes her hideous to me.
I hate that she stole Diego from me. I hate that he went to her so willingly, despite knowing she’s such a snake. I hate that in my desperation to keep my boyfriend’s attention to make him happy, I let him have sex with me without a condom. We were both too caught up in the moment, but I should’ve been more responsible.
Then again, he should’ve been too.
The opposing team comes out onto the field and the cheer team launches into a familiar cheer. We all say the simple words along with them, everyone in the stands yelling at the top of their lungs.
This is Badger country! This is Badger country!
Nothing gets our teams more fired up than when they hear this, the volleyball team included. It fills me with adrenaline and makes me want to play better and make everyone watching us cheer us on even more.
It makes me want to win. I know the football team feels the same way. We’re staking a claim on our field, and we never want to lose at home.
This is our territory.
Somehow, some way, the Badgers intercept the ball. The crowd goes wild. Members of the cheer team are jumping up and down and screaming hysterically. The band is playing a raucous fight song, and I leap to my feet, as do Sam and Marley. I watch as the offense jogs back out on the field, my gaze seeking out and finding Diego.
I glance at the scoreboard. We’re up by a touchdown and a field goal. We could win this. And then they’ll go off to the final league playoff game. Which I’ll miss, thanks to me being in Oregon for Thanksgiving.
I don’t want to go.
Marley clutches my arm, her grip tight. “Oh my God, they might win!”
“This is amazing,” Sam breathes, her focus on the field. Samantha is totally into sports. She played volleyball with me and also runs track. She’s super athletic and could probably kick anyone’s ass, she’s that strong. Sometimes I think guys are intimidated by her. She’s smart, strong, and confident.
That sends a lot of boys scrambling.
We don’t bother talking as we watch the team move the ball down the field. They make it look so easy, especially Jake Callahan. He’s going on to greatness, of that I have no doubt.
Jake launches the ball, and my gaze automatically goes to Diego. The throw is meant for him and I’m breathless when the ball lands perfectly in Diego’s hands. He keeps running, outdistancing the players from the other team who are trying to tackle him.
He runs it all the way into the endzone.
The crowd erupts in cheers, once again. This is it. The game is pretty much over, considering we only have about twenty seconds left on the clock. We’re going on to the final playoff game. I’m sure the team is so excited.
I’m sure Diego is too.
Four
Diego
We won.
This is the best moment of my life. We’re going on to the final league championship game, and if we win that game, we’ll go onto state. The ultimate goal. The biggest dream for high school sports. And if we do win next week’s game, and play for the state championship? I could cinch my chances of becoming a member of the Fresno State Bulldogs football team for college.
First, I gotta get accepted. Fingers crossed.
But I can’t worry about that now. Instead, I look around at my teammates as we all crouch on the field, surrounding our coach, the NFL football legend himself, Drew Callahan. Jake stands next to him, his hands on his hips, his smile so bright he could blind us. Trust me, that motherfucker rarely smiles, so it’s a sight to see.