The PS didn’t fool me – tacked on as an apparent afterthought, but in reality the most important part of the email. Kat had read the invitation as I had, seen the birthday weekend as Amy’s attempt to come to terms with the past, and wondered how this might play out with partners in tow, especially Sam.
I replied immediately.
Hi Kat,
Hello! Yes, I was surprised by the invitation, but Amy’s had such a monumental year I guess we owe it to her to go along with her wishes. She’s been angling to get us all together for ages. I suppose it had to happen one day. It might even do us all good.
Thanks for offering to sort out a present – that would be a big help. You know I’m rubbish at presents and you have such impeccable taste. Let me know how much you spend and I’ll settle up with you. I’ll bring some champagne. It will be nice for us girls to have a couple of days together before the others arrive. I’m sure we can keep Daisy in check!
Love,
Lou
‘That’s better.’ Kat comes into the kitchen. ‘It’s so good to see you.’
She pulls me in for another hug, and I feel the hard muscles under her jacket. She works out at least once a day, has done for as long as I’ve known her. Another reason the smoking is out of character.
‘You too.’
‘Amy’s upstairs, I presume?’
‘Yes, she’s in her room – our room, I should say. I’m in with her until Saturday. When Theo arrives, she’ll sleep down here.’
‘You mean …’ Kat cocks her head, and I grin.
‘Yep, you’re in with Daisy.’
‘Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to try and keep tidy. I’ve got the present, by the way. I chose a silk scarf, but I had it gift-wrapped, so you won’t be able to see it until we give it to her.’
‘Great, thanks. How much do I owe you?’
She waves her hand in a dismissive gesture. ‘Don’t worry about it. How long have you been here?’
I give her the lowdown as I make the coffee. She wanders out into the garden, then has a quick nose around the ground floor.
‘Nice place,’ she says. ‘Has she decided to keep it after all? It would make a great Airbnb. It’s right on the doorstep of the forest.’ We exchange a glance. ‘That’s a good thing, Lou, to most people. And we had some fun times here, once upon a time.’ She looks wistful. ‘Let’s make sure Amy has a fabulous weekend.’
She changes the subject. ‘How’s Theo? You two are OK now, right?’
‘Yes, I think so. We’re talking about buying a place outside London, probably in Wales, where his family live.’ I pour coffee into mugs and we sit down at the kitchen table.
‘Cool,’ Kat says. ‘For you, that is. I can’t imagine not living in the city.’
‘You wouldn’t last a week.’ Kat hangs out in hipster cafés, eats out most nights, and goes clubbing at weekends. I wish I had her stamina. Clubbing no longer appeals to me, which helped when Theo and I were deciding our future. A big garden and pretty surroundings are more important to me now than the city buzz.
‘What about Jade, how’s it going?’
Kat pulls her mug towards her and blows on the hot liquid. ‘She’s OK.’
‘Is she coming on Saturday?’
‘I’m not sure.’
‘It will be nice to see her,’ I say, trying to read the slightly embarrassed look on Kat’s face.
Footsteps sound in the hall and we both look round.
‘Amy,’ Kat says, jumping to her feet as Amy appears in the doorway. She gives her a hug. ‘It’s so good to see you. You look great.’
Amy joins us at the table and pours herself some coffee.
‘How’s work going?’ she asks.
Kat nods. ‘I’m doing OK. I’ve got an exhibition coming up in a couple of months’ time.’
‘Fabulous. In London?’
‘Yes. You should come. You can stay with me. If you don’t mind sleeping in my studio surrounded by spooky sculptures.’
‘I’d love that. It’s great that you’re able to make a living doing what you love. That’s what I’m hoping to do with my yoga eventually, teach it as a career.’
‘I’ve proved my dad wrong, anyway. He said very few sculptors make it. I owe him, actually, not for much else, but that one sentence of his made me determined to succeed.’
‘Same with Daisy: her family didn’t want her to be an actress.’
I laugh. ‘I can’t imagine Daisy being anything else.’
‘What time is she coming?’ Kat asks. ‘Have you heard from her?’
Amy nods. ‘I just had a text. She’ll be here in about an hour.’
‘Great. You’re sharing with her; I hope that’s OK?’
‘You owe me.’ Kat grins. ‘Lou’s already briefed me. I’ll be on my best behaviour.’ She winks at me. ‘I don’t want a telling-off for leaving my clothes strewn around. This is a great cottage, Amy, and congratulations on the inheritance. You must be thrilled. Are you planning to rent it out?’
‘I haven’t decided yet. I’ve had so much time to think over the last few months, and one of the conclusions I came to was that I’m too old to be afraid. When you’re faced with a threat to your health, your priorities change. Burying problems and running away from them doesn’t work. I can’t let the past rule my present. If I could make my peace with what happened, it might be good to move here; it would be nice and tranquil for my yoga. I’m sure it would help you guys too, to face those fears head on.’
We all lose ourselves in our thoughts for a moment.
‘That was what was in my mind when I was wondering what to do to mark my birthday,’ Amy eventually says. ‘Thoughts I’ve had, things I’ve never said. I’m sure we must all feel like that about Hannah’s disappearance.’
I’m not so sure, but I don’t want to dampen her bubble. Some things are best kept secret. It’s funny how we persist on calling it a disappearance. So much easier to face than the truth.
Kat’s nodding, but I can’t read her face.
‘We owe it to Hannah,’ Amy continues. ‘Coming back here means facing up to each other, making peace with the area. It’s a beautiful part of the world and we all have our roots here. That’s why this weekend means so much to me.’
‘I get it,’ Kat says, ‘but don’t be surprised if it all goes pear-shaped.’
Do they both feel the creeping dread that slithers through me every time I recall the moment the truth about Hannah was revealed? Do they replay that moment over and over as I do, despite my attempts to suppress it? I’ve got better at shutting the thoughts out, but my unconscious will never let me forget, and the forest dream comes to me regularly. Despite Amy having voiced her intentions for the weekend, I can’t bring myself to reveal my feelings to the others, because that would mean owning up to withholding details from the police. Instead the scene flashes before me, that defining moment in my life.
I was in my room on campus when I heard, supposedly writing an essay but unable to focus, flickers of worry running through my mind. I was going over my last conversations with Hannah, wondering what thoughts were inside her head and whether I should have pressed her to tell me why she was walking around with shoulders bent as if she was carrying a heavy load, willing her to get in touch, berating myself for not being more persistent when she insisted there was nothing wrong. She’d been missing for five days at that point and I was desperate to do something constructive. Writing an essay on medieval literature seemed futile. A loud knock at the door interrupted my thoughts. The warden of our hall of residence stood in the narrow corridor outside my room.