‘I wanted to say something at the time, but you were infatuated.’
‘Don’t. Being infatuated is not a state I plan to get into again. You’d have thought I’d learned my lesson with Joe – I was so preoccupied with him when Hannah disappeared, and I’ve never forgiven myself.’
We sit in silence for a moment, both of us grappling with the guilt that never goes away.
‘Let’s be positive. I’ll help you find someone online. Make a list of what attributes you want.’
‘Yeah, great idea. You can screen them all for me.’
‘Think of me as your agent.’
We pick up our glasses and take them indoors. It will be hard to keep my mind on Amy’s love life now that she’s dropped the doubt about Hannah like a grenade into my lap and run off before it detonates. If she doesn’t think it was an accident … My mind wants to leap to all kinds of conclusions. At least she’s given me time to think about it before the others arrive, when I’ve no doubt we’ll discuss it together.
Half an hour later, I’ve unpacked my case in the small room I’m sharing with Amy. Two single beds just about fit into it. The bed by the window has a small moth-eaten teddy bear on it that I recognise from university days. Mr Ted. Pain grips my chest and I reach for the wall to steady myself from the unexpected shock. He used to sit on Hannah’s bed, and I’m transported back to her campus room, the university-issue duvet cover with brown swirls, Mr Ted on the pillow. ‘Look what Sam gave me,’ she said, a sparkle in her eyes. That was the moment I knew they were serious. I’m surprised to see him here.
Amy appears in the doorway.
‘You remember him?’
‘Of course. I didn’t know you had him.’
She sits on her bed. ‘I helped her parents pack up the room. They couldn’t face it. Her mum asked if I wanted anything.’ She picks up the teddy and holds him to her face, inhales his scent. ‘I like to think he smells of her.’ Her eyes are full of tears; my arms go around her and we hold each other tight.
‘We need to feed you up a bit,’ I say to lighten the mood, not wanting to dwell on the past.
‘I’m trying,’ she says, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. ‘Some days I still get really tired. I usually have a little nap around now. You can amuse yourself for half an hour, can’t you? Keep an ear out for Kat.’
‘Of course. I’ll take my book out into the garden. See you in a bit.’
On my way downstairs, I glance out of the window from the upstairs landing, my attention caught by a black Mini Cooper pulling up in front of the house. So much for reading that book. Kat emerges looking as chic as her car, dressed in an oversized black jacket, dark skinny trousers with strategically placed zips, and chunky boots. Seeing her always makes me wish I’d made more of an effort than my usual shirt and jeans. She smooths down her clothes and extracts a smart leather holdall from the back seat of the car.
I’m about to go down to let her in when she takes a packet of cigarettes from the bag, lights one up and walks away from the cottage along the lane. That’s unexpected. Kat gave up smoking ages ago. She disappears from view and I continue to watch from the landing. After about five minutes, she reappears, talking on her phone. She frowns as she presses the phone to her ear, stopping outside the cottage to take a look at the forest. I wave at her, and she looks up, eyes partly covered by her heavy fringe, then waves back. Her sleek brown bob swings as she walks up the path, and I run downstairs and out of the front door.
She swings her large leather bag over her shoulder.
‘Kat.’ I pull her to me and inhale tobacco and shampoo. We stand and look at the cottage.
‘Cute place, isn’t it?’ she says. ‘I’d forgotten what the roads are like round here. Talk about hidden.’
‘None of us were driving back then, either.’
‘True.’ As if drawn by an invisible force, we both turn and look towards the forest.
‘Never thought I’d come back here voluntarily,’ she says, her voice quiet.
‘Me neither. You’d better prepare yourself – Amy wants to talk to us about Hannah.’
Kat’s expression darkens. ‘That’s what I was afraid of. Why now?’
I tell her about the podcast. ‘And she’s had a lot of time to think over the past year. She’s acting as if she’s got something to tell us.’ Maybe I’m not the only one with secrets.
‘Ah. The conversation we’ve all managed to avoid.’ Her eyes dart to her car. ‘Shall we leave now?’
We both grin, and the ice is broken.
‘Come on,’ I say. ‘Once you get inside, you’ll forget about where we are.’ I’m trying to convince myself at the same time.
‘Is Daisy here yet?’
I shake my head. ‘She’ll be here later. Did you ring her?’
‘I did. Has she told you?’
‘Told me what?’
‘That Sam isn’t coming. She said he had too much work on.’
‘That means Theo will be the only man. Not that he’ll mind, but …’ My body relaxes – it will be so much easier without Sam.
‘Where is Amy anyway?’
‘Having a nap.’
‘Worn her out already with your witty repartee, have you?’
‘Ha ha. Come inside and I’ll make some coffee.’
Kat goes to the bathroom while I sort out the drinks. The kettle is an old-fashioned one that requires heating on the stove. It’s fiddly and hard to light, and I’m not paying attention. My mind is on the doubt Amy sowed earlier; I wonder too how Sam’s non-attendance will affect the weekend. The flame whips up the matchstick and licks my fingers, and I blow hard on the burn, cursing. Cold water soothes my skin but not my doubts. What if Amy was right about Hannah? What if this weekend she plans to blow everything apart?
Chapter Six
Kat was the first to contact me after Amy sent the invitation. Her email arrived the same evening.
Hey Lou,
How’s it going? Got your invite?! It’s not exactly the wild party I was expecting, but I guess her 21st set the bar high, and we are getting on a bit now, aren’t we?!! Jade was 30 last week and you’d think she’d just reached pensionable age the way she’s been going on about it! I plan to celebrate my 35th with an all-nighter and an outrageous tattoo – just need to decide on which part of my body!
You and Theo will be there, won’t you – need to be sure before I commit. I haven’t been back to Blackwood since I left university and my parents relocated to Cornwall. Not sure how I feel about it. I’m surprised she chose to hold the party there, but that’s Amy for you, always full of surprises. Lucky her, too – I wish someone would leave me a house! Shall I organise a present, from the three of us? I’ll ask Daisy too. Am happy to choose something. I presume Sam is going. Hope you’ve patched things up after your disagreement. Can’t wait to see you all,
Kat x
PS Does Theo know about Hannah? I’ve never mentioned it to Jade.