I just need to behave, be better.
It’s all my fault. I can’t fight something that I caused. I made him angry, I made him doubt, and I’m learning the hard way.
My head is a mess, but I have no inclination to untangle the thoughts that race through my mind. I couldn’t answer the questions anyway.
We break for lunch at one o’clock.
I’m not hungry, so I make myself a cup of coffee from the machine in the corner of the room.
Tyler left as soon as he could, clearly wanting to escape the awful atmosphere. Can’t say that I blame him. If I were him, I would have done the same thing.
Michael left to go and get some lunch at the deli across the road. I don’t think he will rush back, he has no need to. He sees that I am done fighting him. He has no need to worry anymore about me leaving him.
I sit in silence, sipping my drink.
I blankly stare at the wall opposite, noticing a few dirty marks here and there. They become my focus for the next ten minutes, holding my attention. It’s better to focus on that than to keep replaying my life like a goddamn film. It’s better than berating myself, which I seem to do nonstop.
The door to the project room opens, but I don’t turn around to see who has entered. I still focus on the marks on the wall, until a voice breaks the silence and sparks a flutter of hope within me.
“Lucy.”
I turn slowly, afraid that a part of me is dreaming. I take in his face. He looks tired, worn-out, probably much the same as I look, to be honest. His brows are furrowed, concern etched onto every part of his face.
“Cal?” I whisper after a few minutes have ticked by. He nods his head at me and I allow myself to smile. It’s the first time that I have smiled in days, weeks even. “What are you doing here?”
He doesn’t answer. Instead, he moves towards me, spins my chair around so that I am facing him, and he pulls me towards him, his arms going around me, encasing me with his warmth. It doesn’t matter that my whole body is aching with pain from his touch. All that matters is that he is here, holding me, warming me from the inside out.
My heart is racing, and I am afraid that if I blink then he will disappear. His touch is familiar, comforting, wanted. I breathe in his scent, burying my face in his neck.
“Am I hallucinating?” I say, needing confirmation that I haven’t totally lost my mind.
“No, babe, I’m here,” he replies, and I allow the first few tears to fall down my cheeks.
“Why?” I have to ask. I need to know why he has shown up out of the blue.
He pulls his head back so that he can look at me. His hands move to my cheeks to wipe the tears away, even though he won’t eradicate them due to the steady stream that is falling from my eyes.
“I got your letter.”
“Oh.” I was unsure whether Kim would have actually given it to him or not, but obviously she came through for me.
“You’re not alone, Lucy. I’m always here for you, and we’re going to get you out of this mess.”
“No, Cal, I don’t want you involved.” And I’m still playing that fucking tune, not wanting him to become embroiled in the battle of my life.
“Tough,” he replies, his tone firm. “Lucy, you can’t do this on your own, and you need to stop thinking that you’re protecting me by pushing me away. I want to do this, I want to see you walk free from his hold, and I want to be stood beside you when the bastard gets his comeuppance. If I had known, I mean really known, what you were going through, I would have been more prepared, more urgent, fought harder.”
“I couldn’t tell you the truth, not with Michael stood there,” I say, recalling my silence from that night.
“I know that now, and I know that you’re going to need me to get through this.” His eyes are so kind, full of love as he speaks. Cal hasn’t abandoned me, he’s still here, and he’s going into battle with me.
“We don’t have much time and Kim is keeping watch in case Michael comes back.”
“What?” I whisper. Kim’s helping, she hasn’t abandoned me either?
“I’m not able to go into much detail right now, but ultimately, the only way to get him out of your life is to report him to the police.”
“No,” I say, standing up too quickly and letting out a whimper as shooting pains travel up and down my body. Cal’s jaw tenses as he watches my discomfort.
“Show me,” he says without needing to say anymore.
“It’s nothing.” I don’t want Cal to see the bruising on my body. Hell, I don’t want anyone to see the bruising on my body.
“Lucy, let me see.” Cal steps forward and takes both of my hands in his, gently, conveying to me that it’s okay.
You can do this, Lucy. It’s the first step.
I move my hands and pull the bottom of my shirt up, exposing my midriff, exposing the big bruises that cover me.
“Jesus,” Cal says on a breath, his eyes widening as he takes in the purple splotches on my skin. His hand reaches out, but I don’t flinch. His fingers lightly move over the bruising. I cry pitifully, embarrassed that he is seeing me this way.
“Turn around,” Cal whispers, and I do. He lifts my shirt a little higher, so it’s near my shoulders. I close my eyes, imagining how fucking weak he probably thinks that I am. His fingers continue to trace my skin, like he’s trying to soothe the pain.
Next thing I know, his arms wrap around me lightly, my back grazing his chest, his lips going beside my ear.
“Don’t let him think that you can’t win, Lucy. Don’t ever think that I am going to give up on you. I’ve loved you since we were kids, and I’ll love you until I take my last breath.” I let out a loud cry from his words, but he doesn’t stop talking. “One day, we’ll be sitting on our porch, holding hands, sipping our morning cup of coffee, together, in sync, and so fucking happy that it hurts in a good way.
“I never should have gone away, Lucy. I never should have left you, and I never should have been scared to tell you how much you mean to me.”
I turn in his arms, my eyes colliding with his, and I know that there is nothing but fucking truth in his words. This is Cal giving me his heart and soul, but I’m scared that mine is too damaged to accept what he’s saying.
“You are the strongest woman that I know. You can get through this, we can fight him together, and we can make sure that we nail his ass to the fucking wall.”
That hope that stirred in my chest when Cal first walked in here is now exploding like a firework inside of me.
“I know that you’re scared, I know that you think that you’ll never be free of him, but you will, Lucy. You will come out of this and be the fierce fucking female that I know you can be. You’ve been hurt and betrayed, you have doubted yourself and your ability, but that stops. Right here, right now, it stops.”
I nod my head at him, biting my lip, clinging desperately to what he is saying.
“We’re going to build a case against this asshole, we’ll have enough proof to make sure that he goes down for a long fucking time. I won’t stop until he’s locked away.”
I see the determination within him, I feel it and I want it. I want the same determination inside of me, and with Cal’s help, I can get there. He believes in me, so I have to start believing in myself.