“Of course I did, but an apology in a letter isn’t going to cut it, Lucy. I need to understand, I want to understand, and ultimately, I just want my best friend back.”
I take a deep breath, I’m ready to lay it all out, tell her the truth, relieve myself of the weight if it all, when I hear the door to the café open and my eyes connect with Michael’s.
He’s smiling at me, but I can’t smile back.
Kim has her back to the door, so she is unaware that the devil has just walked in. That is until he is stood beside our table.
“Ladies,” he greets us and bends down, placing a kiss on the top of my head. “Enjoying your lunch?” He’s got his nice guy act on. Trouble is, he’s trying to fool the wrong people.
“We were,” Kim replies as she stares daggers at him.
“Oh, come on, Kim, can’t we just be friends now that you two are sorting things out?” he says, trying to keep his tone light. Kim looks at him with pure disgust before picking up her bag and vacating her seat.
“It was nice talking to you, Lucy,” she says before adding, “But I’m not sure that our friendship can be salvaged at this point in time.” And with that, she turns away and leaves the café, the sound of the door shutting behind her seeming to echo all around me.
Sadness and disappointment grip me.
I was so close to telling her, so close to trying to mend our broken friendship, but he had to ruin it.
He made sure that I didn’t have enough time to tell her shit.
He played me.
He made me think that I had a slither of control over this meeting today.
And now he’s snatched it away from me.
He only allowed me enough time to sever my ties a little bit more.
The smirk on his face tells me that he knows what he is doing.
I feel like I take one step forward, and then three steps back.
I should have taken my chances and gone with Cal on that awful night, but Michael’s threats of going after my friends has kept me in the petrified state that I have become accustomed to. I couldn’t live with myself if he hurt Cal, Kim or Jeremy. I won’t allow them to become victims like I have.
But there is that little part of my brain that continues to whisper, “What if?”
What if I had believed that, in time, Michael would have left me alone?
What if I had trusted that Cal would have protected me, fought for me, loved me enough to save me?
What if, what if, what if.
Instead I push the what ifs to one side, leaving me facing a bleak future with no way out.
Chapter Ten
Never-ending cycle
I am sick of my own thoughts.
I hate how pathetic I have become.
Fucking broken.
I despise how weak I am.
The person I once was is a ghost that haunts me.
My self-respect has all but crumbled away.
Trapped.
Alone.
Confused.
Unsure.
All of these things combined make everything harder to process.
My plans to escape are becoming more clouded.
My judgement becoming fogged.
I see no way out.
There is no light at the end of my tunnel.
As his fist connects with my side, I bite down hard on my lip to mask the cry of pain.
This is my punishment for trying to outwit him, he says.
This is what I deserve for trying to get Kim back in my life, he says.
When will I learn that I only need him, he shouts.
Another punch, a stifled yelp.
And another.
That’s three, but this could go on for a while.
I close my eyes and my legs give way.
I tumble to the floor and curl up into a ball, covering my head with my hands.
I envision life without Michael.
I think of a world where I don’t have to hear him threaten to hurt my friends.
I dream of life with Cal, my saviour who I pushed away.
I continue to let Michael rain down blows on my body. I couldn’t fight him now even if I tried.
My fight is diminishing with every second that passes.
My hope dying with every breath.
My sanity threatening to crack and leave me in constant darkness.
My heart shattered beyond repair.
The woman I used to be, lost to this violent monster.
I am fucking broken.
Chapter Eleven
Hidden bruises
I move slowly, my aching body silently screaming in pain. Yesterday’s lesson-to-be-learned seemed to go on forever. The only parts of my body left untouched are my face and my arms. No bruises visible for others to potentially see. No bruises on show for questions to be asked.
It takes me an age to get ready for work, but I battle on. It takes me longer than usual to walk to the office, but I continue to put one foot in front of the other.
Michael says nothing. He just waits patiently for me to catch up to him every now and then. He is trying to show remorse for his actions, but it has no effect on me.
I don’t want to hear how sorry he is, how he didn’t mean it or how much he loves me. I don’t care about why he feels the need to teach me his so-called lessons on how I should conduct myself or how I should stop embarrassing him.
Right now, as of this moment, I’m done trying to get away.
Giving up seems like my only option.
He’s always one step ahead of me, watching my moves, feeling me out.
He will never let me walk away, run, hide, whatever the fuck I might try and do, he would always be there, taunting, watching, chasing.
All I can do is try and behave myself, watch my step, and count down the hours, minutes and seconds until Michael goes too far and eventually kills me. Because he will. I have no doubt.
And I’m too scared to do anything about it.
Too broken, too weak, too beaten and too cowardly.
Michael is right, I am a fucking useless excuse for a woman. I am pathetic and stupid. Unlovable he said, but not to him. I’m starting to think that maybe he has a point. I’ve made horrendous choices, and this is my punishment, my sentence, my curse.
I arrive at work, climb the steps to the project room, wince as I sit down, breathe, move, it all hurts, and I bury myself in paperwork. I don’t make conversation, I keep my eyes down, my head bowed.
I finally do as I’m fucking told.
I can feel the tension coming from Tyler, but I can’t bring myself to try and ease his discomfort.
I feel Michael’s eyes glance at me every now and then, but I refuse to acknowledge him. I’m sure that will be wrong later, but I am in too much pain to care.
He’s won.
I’ve lost.
This is what he wanted.
This is the life that I chose.
There is no redo button for me.
If I could turn the clock back, rewind time, change my choices, then I absolutely would. I would never have gone on a date with him if I had known the evil that was waiting for me. What Tom did to me is nothing compared to what I am experiencing now. The hurt I felt from Tom’s betrayal with Carly is laughable. Yes, when he slept with her, it hurt, more so because she was my friend, but after suffering at the hands of Michael, I know what real hurt is. I know what self-destruction looks like, and I’m living it, one day at a time.
Maybe I do deserve this, just like Michael said I did.