The things she’d say now, that she’d never said to me before. Sometimes, she complained that my clothes were too tight, that they ´encouraged´ young boys to try to take advantage of me. Yeah, she wasn’t good at the pep talk and I wasn’t good at listening to it.
But tonight, was the start of something new. I was happy, looking forward to the summer ahead and nothing could dim that happiness. Until Stuart walked into my room. Well, not exactly walked, it was more like he stumbled and nearly tripped over my bed. He stayed there, beside me, his breath reeking of the alcohol that had made him ‘stumble’ into my room by ‘accident’.
I could tell he was drunk; it wasn’t the first time I’d seen him that way.
I also knew that it wouldn’t be the last time. Stuart liked to drink, and he’d made that clear often enough. If he came in the house and there wasn’t liquor, the whole street would hear his roar and Mom would respond to it like a good choir girl. No matter how tired she was from work, or hungry, she would run to the store to please him. To get him some liquor and more. Anything to keep her man happy. When she did that I didn’t know who I hated more; her or him?
This was her house, her home and he stormed in and made it into her prison. No longer her refuge, but her sentence for life the moment she said, “I do”, when they got married and he decided to show his true colors. Not the cloak that he’d been hiding under for the short, four months that they dated before he moved in and they’d got married.
Gran wasn’t happy, but then again neither was I.
He laughed as the words began to slur out his mouth. “Sorry, I thought that this was my room.”
He should get up now, leave my room, and me, in peace, but he just stayed there, and I got a weird vibe from him that made me incredibly nervous. When he continued to stay there, looking over at me, I knew I had to get up; get up or something terrible would happen.
I shook my head at him, shocked that he’d stormed into my room and I was certain that he was confused. I waited but it didn’t look as if he was leaving. We were lying on the bed, nearly side-by-side. I moved to stand up, simply to help him up, to get him back to his and my mom’s room, when like a lion he moved to pin me down beneath him.
I didn’t even realize that he’d moved, because I was stuck between trying to figure out how to get him off my bed and more importantly how to get him out of my room.
Nerves took over my body as he rolled over me. I should have screamed, said something as he leered down at me with a grin that would torment me every night, with my hands pinned above my head. But I couldn’t, I was too surprised, too shocked, and suddenly, very afraid.
“You look just like your mom. Just a few pounds bigger and a few years younger.”
I closed my eyes, hoping that this nightmare would go away. That he would go away, but he didn’t as he forced his wet lips against mine. His mouth was slobbery, and made me cringe, but my head was pinned against my pillows. His kiss was nothing that I wanted to be a part of, and the urge to scream took over. He forced my mouth open with his tongue, and the scream was strangled off.
He was taking a part of me that I didn’t want to give him. I used to think that I was strong and if someone tried to attack me then I would scream, and all the aerobic classes would come in useful. That I’d be able to wiggle away or punch the guy in the balls to get him off of me.
Anything!
But I couldn’t move, I was paralyzed with fear, with horror, and that’s just how he wanted me. I struggled beneath him, tried to push him away, tried to get away, but he held me down with his weight and his hand that clamped my hands above my head.
I thought there wasn’t anyone that could save me, I thought that there was nothing I could do to stop whatever it was that he had planned. I thought I’d rather die than have this man force me, until I heard a voice.
Mom.
She was home! I tried to turn my head just as I felt him go stiff over me. His hand moved quickly, to cover my mouth, so that I couldn’t scream for her help.
She yelled out our names, “Vicki. Stuart!”
She called for us again and again and that’s what finally broke through Stuart’s drunken haze. Just as quickly as Stuart was on me, he was off me. No longer slurring or acting drunk, he was now standing there perfectly normal, as if nothing had happened. He glared at me menacingly and put a finger to his lips before he left my room. I could tell he rushed down to Mom when I heard her giggle and the smack of their lips as they kissed. She was all giggly and it was as if she’d completely forgotten that she’d been calling both our names and only he’d appeared. All thought of me was lost in the kiss. The same kiss that he’d given me a few seconds ago or tried to.
“Vicki, honey, you need to wake up,” Aunt Rose spoke as she shook my arm and brought me back to the present, brought me out of the nightmare. But Stuart hadn’t finished with us yet, the nightmare continued, I thought, as recent events came back to me. I clutched at her arm, her hand, as she looked down at me, so like Mom.
“You were screaming, are you okay?” She peered at me closely, and we both knew neither of us was okay, but that we’d have to be. We had to get through this, somehow.
I wondered if I’d screamed his name. Or given a clue about what I was screaming about? I started to speak, but quickly closed my mouth. I opened it up again and both times was greeted with silence. I didn’t know what to tell her. The truth? It was too late now. I should have said it back then, when everyone asked why I never used the front door of my house anymore. Why I snuck in through the back and why I always made sure that my door was locked.
Always.
I spent most of my time on the bed, just eating. My one and only comfort to calm my nerves. Especially chocolate. I had the sweetest tooth, I knew. Especially the nights I would be in my room wondering if Stuart would force his way in there to start what he never had the chance to finish.
I wanted to tell Mom, but something stopped me every time. I knew that something was wrong with their relationship, the moment I heard about the accident the first time. If you could even call it that?
“Yeah. I was having a bad dream,” I replied thinking that this wasn’t the time or place, to reveal the secret that I’d been holding on to for so many weeks. A cold chill entered the car, maybe someone opened the window, but if I’d told Mom would she have left him? Would she have been alive right now, if I’d told her? The idea made me feel sick, it hurt, this idea that if I’d told this secret Mom wouldn’t be dead. She would be alive and no longer live in fear.
Aunt Rose nodded her head and that’s when I noticed that we were parked outside my house. I thought I made it clear that I didn’t want to go in there. Not tonight. Maybe not ever.
“You see, honey.”
She cleared her throat before hesitating to tell me what was on her mind. No more was she crying hysterically like she was in the hospital. It was if she was on a drug, one that I’d seen a couple of kids taking at a party. They would go into this no-zone, as if they were trying to get their mind together.
She opened, her mouth and the words that came out shocked me even more.
I thought nothing could get any worse. Just then I realized that more truths would come out and none of them would be good, only bad. Aunt Rose wanted to ask or tell me something, but maybe my nightmare stopped her from talking. I was relieved, I couldn’t handle hearing anything more. Not today.