She swallowed hard, his terrified echoing around inside her head, even as her stomached ached more and more. But she didn’t have time to focus on that now, not when Grayson needed everything she had to give him.
“I’ve been so blind.” Her words were hollow as she realized just how badly she’d let him down during her pregnancy. “How could I not see what you’ve been feeling? What you’ve been going through? My pregnancy, our baby—I knew it would bring up your fears, even the ones it seemed you had finally put to rest. But apart from the fact that you’ve been more overprotective than usual, I thought you were okay.”
“Lori—”
She gripped his hands tightly, wishing she could rewind back to the day when she’d taken the pregnancy test and seen the word Pregnant on the digital screen, wishing she could do things differently, wishing she could be there for him and keep him from going through this pain. “I shouldn’t have missed your worries—but I’ve been so wrapped up in my changing body, and how the baby is growing, and my excitement and happiness over starting our own family, that I completely steamrolled over your feelings. Almost like I thought my confidence could erase any fears that rose to the surface for you. When all along, I should have been taking care of you the way you’ve always taken care of me.”
“Sweetheart—”
“I’m the worst wife ever,” she moaned.
“No, you’re the best wife ever.” He tugged on their connected hands to bring her closer. “Don’t you know this is one of the reasons I love you so much? Because you are always full of boundless confidence, even in the face of something truly terrifying like a little person who will depend entirely on us.”
“Before either of us says anything more, I want you to know that I’m really hoping you’ll say that I’m the best wife ever again at some point so that I can record it. Otherwise, no one will ever believe me.” Even in the heavy moments, Lori believed lightness had its place. If for no other reason than as a reminder that there were brighter times to come. “But what I really want you to know is that I trust you with everything, Grayson. With my heart, my soul, my life. And if you can live with me, if you can take care of me and my endless list of life requirements, then a baby will be no sweat.”
She wished for even the slightest upturn of his mouth, but her hopes were dashed when he remained quiet. She wanted to say more, wanted to try to convince him in any way she could that everything would be okay. That the past wouldn’t repeat itself. That he wouldn’t lose another loved one. But where she was liable to shoot off her mouth without thinking things through, he liked to take the time to collect his thoughts, especially when they were talking about something this important.
“Once upon a time,” he finally said, “you told me you came to my farm because I needed you to keep me from withering away in my grief. To help me have a future. I tried to push you away, and I said awful things that weren’t true—”
“Some of them were true.” He’d accused her of hiding out on his farm, rather than facing up to her own problems.
“No. None of the horrible things I said were true. You needed time, and space, away from your normal life to figure out how to move forward. And that’s exactly what you did. You figured out how to heal your past so that you could create an amazing future. Thank God you wanted me in that future.”
“I wouldn’t have gotten there without you.” She nearly stumbled over her words as the pinching sensation in her stomach came again, harder and longer this time. “That night you brought me to the barn dance and dared me to get out on the floor—only you could have showed me that my passion for dancing hadn’t gone anywhere.”
“I might have given you a few shoves in the right direction, sweetheart, but I don’t have one single doubt that you would have gotten there on your own. Whereas, without you in my life…” He shook his head, his eyes going black again. “You have always understood me better than anyone else, Lori. And you have always known exactly how to reach me when I don’t want to let anyone in.”
“So then, why haven’t you told me what you’ve been feeling these past months? Why haven’t you shared with me how deep your fears have been running? Why haven’t you let me try to help?”
“Because I didn’t want to admit it to myself.” She laid one hand over his chest and felt how hard his heart was pounding. “I thought loving you was the scariest thing I would ever do, that it was the biggest risk imaginable. But a baby?” His breath came fast as he said, “I can still hardly believe that we’re going to have a child.”
“It’s going to be amazing! Our daughter is going to be the best thing that’s ever happened to us.”
“I know she will be.”
And she could hear, could feel, that he truly did believe that. If only that belief weren’t buried under so many of his worries that something, anything, might go wrong in the future for Lori or their child.
Now that her blinders were finally off, she could see that his demons were riding him hard, especially now that she was so close to her due date.
Though Grayson was a surprisingly eloquent man, he was a man of action first and foremost. Trying to talk this through might help him take a tiny step in the right direction, but he was right when he’d said that she knew exactly how to reach him.
Staying inside and debating the validity of his fears wasn’t going to do it. In the past, it had been a magic combination of laughter and fun and love that had pulled him out of the darkness. She was hopeful they could work their magic on him yet again.
“Come on.” Taking his hand, she pulled them both out of bed. “We’re going out.”
CHAPTER SEVEN
Grayson heard barking dogs first. Happy cries of children—hordes of them, it seemed—sounded moments after.
He rubbed the back of his neck. He didn’t actually have whiplash, but the way Lori could change tack so quickly often made him feel like it.
He’d learned by now not to question her. Okay, that wasn’t strictly true. He couldn’t help himself most of the time, not when she was so damned fun to tease. But this morning, he was definitely not in a teasing mood.
Not now that she knew the truth—that he was barely hanging on by his fingernails.
He hadn’t meant for his fears to come spilling out like that. He hadn’t wanted to face his own feelings, let alone explain them to his wife in excruciating detail.
But most of all, he didn’t want her to blame herself in any way for any part of his behavior. He never wanted her inner light to be diminished by anyone, or anything. Especially him. Which was why he’d immediately stopped her from berating herself over not seeing what a mess he was.
And yet, now that he’d finally unloaded some of his worries, he couldn’t deny that he felt a little lighter. It might be because they were outside on a sunny beach. And because of the joy on Lori’s face as she sat on the sand playing with a rambunctious, and very cute, litter of puppies.
Whatever the reason, he would gladly take the respite for as long as it lasted.
Still, when he realized they were surrounded by at least two dozen dogs, cats, rabbits, and guinea pigs—and approximately one hundred elementary schoolchildren—he had to ask, “What have you gotten us into this time?”