With her hands caked in baking mix, she then turned and looked down at her trusty companion. “It’ll be just you and me tonight,” she said. The dog replied with a grunt of satisfaction.
Nikki continued mixing and creating the art which she sought to attain in her homemade buttercream-frosting cupcakes. But as she mixed, churned, and baked the ingredients, her mind wandered. Perhaps it was from the emotion which the song had evoked in her just a moment ago. But she got to thinking - just as churning the butter in the frosting needed five minutes of focus, was her five minutes of dating almost over? When would the foundation for a lasting relationship be established, so that she was able to move on to the next step?
Her dog Cupcake kept sensing her tranquility and would moan or pant at her side to try to cheer her up.
“It’s not simple to say…” Nikki finally said aloud to her old four-legged friend, letting her reflective tone spill over into a made-up conversation with her dog: “… but some days I don’t even recognize myself. Date after date, I’ve given more than I’ve gotten in return. It’s not easy to know where the end will lead. Sometimes I wonder if it’s the men, or if it’s me.”
Cupcake groaned next to her, sensing the dark path which Nikki’s mind turned toward. Cupcake’s groan actually helped Nikki straighten up a little before continuing: “I know I’m not perfect, but I try. I really do.”
Cupcake brushed his head on Nikki’s leg in a reassuring manner to let her know that he agreed. That lifted Nikki’s spirits even more. Just then, the timer on her oven went off, signaling that her first batch of tiny cups of heaven had finished being molded into their cupcake tins.
“Oh, I know I’m hard on myself,” she said out loud to Cupcake as she pulled the batch from the oven. She took just one cupcake out of the pan, though, and iced just that one. Instantly, she jumped up and sat on her kitchen counter, so that her legs dangled off the side. Holding the cupcake up to her eyes, her pupils dilated, almost in a chemically-induced biological reaction to the aroma of the freshly-baked, moist dessert which she held right in front of her.
Cupcake exhaled a happy bark to rejoice in his owner’s delight at taking her first bite. Nikki closed her eyes and just absorbed the symphony of taste inside of her mouth. The texture, the ingredients, the harmonized flavors – all coming together on the palette of the top of her tongue. All it took was just one bite to experience the tranquility which her desire for the cupcake achieved. And in a moment, that first bite was gone. But it was so incredibly worth it.
She opened her eyes slowly before peering down at her dog, who stood there statuesque, waiting for her reaction. “All it takes is one,” she said – referring to both the one bite she took and to the one man that she knew she could not yet give up hope finding.
But she wasn’t one to just let the ambiguity of her sentence hang in the air unspoken: “And just as that one bite of the cupcake was worth all the effort, so too will it be worth it in the end when I find him.”
Chapter 8
Nikki still sat on the edge of the kitchen counter with her legs dangling off the side. Only now, she had succumbed to more than just one bite. As she’d frosted her second cupcake, she teased herself by saying aloud: “But … even though it takes just one, nothing’s wrong with having more than one cupcake.”
Unfortunately, her indulgence didn’t stop at just two cupcakes. The next thing she knew, she’d frosted more cupcakes than she’d like to have admitted, and even threw one down to Cupcake to have him join in her self-wallowing. Somehow, knowing that Cupcake was also devouring one made Nikki not feel alone in the fact that she was drowning her unusual bout of helplessness and self-pity in sugary goodness.
But then the phone rang, right before she took another bite of the half-eaten cupcake in her hand. And then it rang and rang again, vibrating on the kitchen counter right next to her. Nikki stopped short of taking the bite, but still stared at the cake in front of her – trying to make up her mind about whether to spoil herself with another bite or to instead look at her phone.
She wanted to take another bite, but made the mistake of glancing down at her phone. It was her dad. She rolled her eyes at the reluctancy she felt for just a moment. She still wanted to take another bite, but knew that she should answer the phone. Her dad rarely called her. Normally, her mom would call multiple times a week just to say hi and talk about random things. But that wasn’t what would happen when her dad called. He’d normally call just once a month or so, and it was never just him on the phone. When her dad called, it was both him and her mom who’d call. Nikki had caught on quickly that her dad would mainly call when enough time had passed for him to check up on her again and give fatherly advice. So, when her dad called, it would be both him and her mom to talk about real-life stuff.
It wasn’t that Nikki didn’t want her parents’ advice. She was normally happy to talk to them both. Being an only child naturally made her close to them – they were always, and still are, a team. But right now was just poor timing. That was all. She wanted to continue masking her despair with buttercream frosting. The timing was just impeccable on her parents’ part – almost as if they’d known what she was up to and wanted to intercede to lift her up in her moment of doubt.
That was the type of optimistic perspective which Nikki appreciated in her parents, and which had naturally been engrained in her as well.
In the moment of putting the cupcake down like a deadly weapon, she replaced it with her cellphone – holding it right in front of her face. Just reading the word “Dad” on her phone brought her home. Home to where she needed to be in her mind. And home to the idea that all her parents wanted for her was what they thought was in her own best interest.
Nikki inhaled deeply, knowing this was what she needed in the moment – to reveal her recent struggles to her familial confidants. Right before what would assuredly be the last ring before it’d go to voicemail, Nikki answered it.
“Oh hey, you’re there!” Her father answered cheerfully.
“We were about to give up on you – thinking you’re on another date or something.” Her mother spoke with an optimistic tone.
“No, I’m here. Definitely not on a date.”
“What’s wrong?” Her father asked directly, taking the lead between him and his wife.
“Oh, nothing …”
“Nicole, I hear it in your voice. And we know it’s date night for you. So, what went wrong tonight?” He pressed gently.
“Well, it wasn’t just the date tonight.” She paused for just a moment reflectively before continuing: “It’s just that…”
She loved how her parents didn’t interject themselves into the conversation, instead just listening. That’s what true friends who care about you would do, she thought. So, she knew she could continue and that they’d actually listen.
“Well, I don’t know. Mom and dad, what if I never find the type of love that you two have?”
“Oh honey,” her mom said, but Nikki kept talking. She needed to vent to someone, and unfortunately, Cupcake hadn’t yet said anything back to her tonight.