I did my best to gentle my expression. “I’m sorry, Natalie. I just need to stay busy right now. I need to make sure Harriet’s taken care of.” My voice started to crack on the mention of her name, but I willed it under control.
Natalie’s expression softened even further. “Of course. EMTs are on their way.”
I nodded. “We should notify the rest of her circle. We can split the call list.” That gave me something to hold on to. A task to complete.
Natalie started for the office. “I’ll get her address book.”
Time came in fits and starts. A blur of painful phone calls where I kept my voice carefully measured as I filled in Harriet’s nearest and dearest. Natalie let the EMTs in while I wrapped up a call with one of Harriet’s bridge crew.
Pine and spice filled my senses as warmth seeped into my back. Crosby cleared his throat. “I’m so sorry, Kenna.”
Sorry. Everyone was sorry. But what did that word even mean? I pushed to my feet and crossed out of the kitchen, Crosby on my heels. “What are you doing here?”
He caught my elbow just as we reached the foyer. “I loved her too, you know.”
“I know.” My eyes burned with the force of holding back my tears. “Do you need anything from me? You have all her paperwork and the instructions for a funeral, right?”
Crosby’s gaze surveyed my face as if looking for the truth beneath the surface. He wouldn’t find it. I kept everything too locked away.
“I don’t think that’s really important right now.”
I opened my mouth to answer when a sheet-covered stretcher snagged my peripheral vision. I froze, the air seeming to solidify painfully in my lungs. The world began to blur around the edges again, and reality hit me with all its deadly weight.
“I’m alone.” The words escaped me in a barely-there whisper.
Crosby gripped my arm, turning my attention away from the brutal truth and towards the hard planes of his face. “You are a lot of things, but alone is not one of them.”
But he was wrong. Sure, I had Bell and Caelyn, but they each had their own lives, their own families. Harriet had been my person. We’d built our own little two-person family. And now, it was gone.
“You have so many people in your corner, you don’t even see it. Bell and Ford. Caelyn and those crazy kids.” He paused for the briefest of moments. “Me. You’re going to get through this.”
Every person Crosby listed felt a million miles away right then. As if I couldn’t reach them no matter how hard I tried.
“None of us are going anywhere. We’re gonna walk with you through this. You’ll never be alone.”
I stepped out of his hold, doing my best to shake off the warmth that had spread through me at the touch, the comfort. Because at some point, he would leave. They all would. That’s what people did, no matter what they wanted or promised. There was only one certainty in life: people left.
I rolled over, but instead of meeting the mattress, I hit another body.
Caelyn let out a little groan. And it all came flooding back. Why Caelyn was lying on the other side of my queen bed, and Bell was curled up in a sleeping bag on the floor. Because Harriet was gone. A sob attempted to break free, and my body shook with the force of trying to hold it back.
“Oh, Kenna.” Caelyn’s arms were around me in an instant, the feel of them as familiar as my favorite slippers. But I didn’t want her touch, didn’t want the pain in me to ease. I took it anyway, knowing that rejecting her comfort would only hurt her.
Bell shot up. “What’s going on? What’s wrong?” She took in the two of us and pushed to her feet, climbing into the too-small bed and throwing her arms around us both. “I’m so sorry.”
I was really starting to hate that word. I swallowed back my sobs, locking down my muscles so that none could escape. It was the only way my friends would release me. And if they didn’t, I was going to scream. Finally, they let go, and I took a deep breath, pushing myself up against the pillows.
I’d forced the tears down, but the memories of yesterday were on an endless loop. The concerned faces and quiet tones. The news that Harriet had suffered a stroke in her sleep, that it would’ve been painless and instant. That no one could’ve done anything to stop it.
My body shuddered. I should’ve been there. No one could convince me that my presence wouldn’t have mattered. That there wasn’t a chance I could’ve saved her. But instead, I’d been deep-cleaning my cottage, trying to lose myself in busywork so that I wouldn’t think too hard about my conversation with Harriet, the one that had stayed with me for days.
I gave myself a mental shake. I couldn’t think about that right now. I’d just start crying, and then Bell and Caelyn would be stuck to me like glue. I glanced at the clock on the bedside table. “Crap. I’m late.” I scooted towards the end of the bed, heading for the bathroom.
“Late for what?” Caelyn asked.
“Work. What else? You’re going to be late too, if you don’t get moving.”
Bell pushed up from the bed, creeping towards me as if cornering a feral animal. “We both took the day off. We want to support you, Kenna. You shouldn’t be going into work.”
Bell was wrong. Work was exactly what I needed. Distraction and purpose were the only things that would get me through this day. “I’m going in.” Bell opened her mouth to argue, but I cut her off. “I need this.” I met my friends’ concerned gazes. “Please, just let me get through today. This is how I need to do it.”
Bell’s shoulders slumped. “Okay.”
“Call us if you change your mind. We’ll be here in a flash,” Caelyn added.
A bit of the tension eased out of me. “Thank you. For wanting to be here. And for not pushing.” I loved these women, but around them, I couldn’t don my armor and pretend that my world wasn’t crumbling around me. In one breath, I’d lost Harriet, my home, and the security I’d worked so hard to create. Soon, all I’d be left with was wreckage.
6
Crosby
“Crosby McCoy! You gave me thirty minutes’ notice that you were canceling, and the client was not happy.”
I sighed as I eased my truck down the ferry ramp, listening to my assistant rake me over the coals for making her job a nightmare. “I’m sorry, Penny. But it’s not like they had anything urgent to discuss. We can reschedule for later this week.”
I hadn’t been able to stomach the idea of sitting down with a man who was planning to sue his neighbor because he’d realized that the property line was eighteen inches off and wanted the fence moved.
“Crosby,” Penny growled.
“Sorry, what?”
“I asked if you were actually going to show up to this meeting or if I’d end up covering for you yet again.”
“Harriet died yesterday.”
There was silence on the line for a count of five. “Crosby, I am going to whup your butt.” Penny was maybe fifteen years older than me, but she talked to me like I was her grandson. Now, instead of that familiar tone, tears filled her voice. “Why didn’t you say anything? Of course, you can’t work today. But it would’ve been helpful if I could’ve told the client there’d been a death in the family.”