She gave me an innocent smile. “What? I happen to like the gentle moves she takes me through.”
“Freaking pretzel twisting,” I mumbled. Harriet knew I hated the non-sport, and I think she got some perverse pleasure out of seeing me struggle to sit still for that hour. But it was good for Harriet, and Caelyn could always use the extra money the private sessions brought in. Taking care of her three siblings on a single salary was challenging on the best days.
Harriet only laughed harder. “What did yoga ever do to you?”
“It makes me feel itchy.”
“Itchy?”
“Yes. Like my skin’s too tight for my body or something. Give me a run or a swim over yoga any day.”
Harriet was silent for a moment as she studied me. “I think it’s good for you. You have to be alone with your thoughts.”
I’d always fought the silence. Stillness brought with it a steady stream of memories and self-analysis. I was a little better at enduring it now, but there had been a time I would’ve done anything to escape it.
“You have to face things, sweet girl. Looking away doesn’t make things disappear.”
Harriet had said those words to me time and again as I lay in my bed upstairs, refusing to leave. There’d been an endless cycle of mindless television on my screen. I’d even kept it on while I slept, the little bit of rest I could catch hold of anyway.
“I look at the things I have to.” I hated the worry that lit her features, didn’t want to add an ounce of stress to her shoulders. “I do. It’s nothing like it used to be.”
Harriet placed a hand over mine, gently squeezing. “I know. You’ve worked so hard to overcome your losses. You’re the strongest woman I know. But it’s okay to still mourn.”
I swallowed against the emotion gathering in my throat, the memories trying to claw their way free.
“You never talk about her.”
Her. My baby. My little girl. The one I’d lost just one week after finding out that the little bean inside my belly was a she. One week after I’d begun thinking of names.
I shoved it down. Because if I let it out, pulled that cork free, the emotions would drown me. The ferocity of them was lethal. When they were stirred up, they shredded my insides, and I had to battle to keep them down. But the idea of letting them free had images of my mother dancing in my mind. Hysterical and out of control.
“I can’t. I’m sorry, Harriet. I know you want me to, but I just can’t.” I hated letting Harriet down, disappointing her in any way, but we simply dealt with things differently. Harriet had placed a stone marker flush with the ground on a cliff overlooking the sea. The rock didn’t hold a name, only a beautiful array of intricately carved blooms. She visited it regularly, often asking if I’d like to accompany her. My answer was always no.
I carried my daughter with me every day. She was imprinted into every cell of my body. I didn’t need a stone to remember her or to feel the loss. And if I looked at a physical reminder, that carefully constructed wall, the one that kept the most dangerous emotions at bay, it would be in danger of crumbling.
“I’m worried about you.”
My head snapped up. “Why?” I had built a good life in a beautiful place. One with people I loved and a stable job. I was safe. Secure. The two things I had always wanted to create for myself above all else.
Tears glistened in Harriet’s eyes. “Holding everything inside the way you do…it’s poison. I’m terrified that my leaving this place will be a lethal dose. You have to let some of it out, let it go.”
My chest squeezed in a painful spasm, and I stared down at the puzzle piece in my hand, flipping the oblong shape over in my fingers. “Don’t talk like that. You’re doing better. Your doctor has been so impressed with the progress you’ve made.”
Harriet reached out and laid a hand over mine again, stilling my movements. “Sweet girl, my heart is going to quit on me at some point. It’s no longer about cholesterol or whether I take my walks. It’s just the way things are. I’ve had a long, full life. I’ve loved fiercely and gotten into my fair share of trouble. And you have been such a blessing to me.”
I fought against the tears burning the backs of my eyes. “Is this your way of guilting me into letting you have more French fries?”
Harriet laughed, giving my hand a little shake. She winked at me. “Whatever it takes.”
4
Crosby
I leaned against the tree at the edge of the beach, taking in the show. The woman seemed to be one with the water. Smooth strokes cut through the inlet’s subtle waves. They were both graceful and powerful, restrained and explosive. A juxtaposition so similar to the woman herself.
Kenna made her way towards the rocky shore. Climbing to her feet, rivulets of water traced paths down curves that even her full-coverage, black Speedo couldn’t disguise. She wrung out her hair, and the long, dark sheet sprang up in unexpected curls. They reminded me of that part of Kenna she liked to hide away from the world.
Her movements faltered, and then she swiped her towel up from the beach. “What are you doing here?”
I grinned, pushing off the tree trunk and striding towards her. “Caelyn told me this was a good spot for paddleboarding.”
Kenna mumbled something about her friend being a traitor. “I’m surprised you’re even up this early.”
I gave a little shrug. I had to be at a meeting at ten, so this was the only opportunity I’d have all day to be on the water. “Every day is different.”
“Must be nice to just flit around wherever the wind takes you.”
My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I slid it out. A familiar number, one I wished like hell I could forget, flashed across my screen along with a text.
Hey, Crosby. Can we talk? It’s important.
My face went hard as ice seemed to slide through my veins. Alicia’s gamble hadn’t paid off, and now she was trying to get her second choice back on the line. Not in this lifetime.
A cold hand grazed my forearm, yet somehow, the touch seemed to heat my skin. “Are you okay?”
I gave my head a little shake, plastering on my signature carefree smile. “Just those damn telemarketers. They never give up.”
Kenna’s hand fell away, and she took a step back. “You can just tell me to mind my own business. You don’t have to lie.”
I instantly felt the loss of her heat, the faint buzz on my skin where she’d touched me. “Fair enough.” Kenna kept her gaze locked to mine as if daring me to tell her the truth. I took the coward’s way out and changed the subject. “I like these.” I reached out and took a strand of her hair in my fingers, releasing it and letting the curl bounce.
Pink tinged her cheeks. “I prefer it straight.”
My grin grew wider. “I don’t know, Brown Eyes, I think you should let it run wild.” And what I would give to see this woman free and untamed.
I silenced my phone as I wove my way through the halls of the Alliance. Alicia had already texted twice more on the ferry ride over to Shelter Island. I took a deep breath, trying to quiet my annoyance in the same way I’d done my phone. Rapping on the open office door, I fought the urge to laugh. Callie was spinning in a circle like a cat chasing its tail. “Come in. Sorry, I just can’t find my pen.”