Ash’s lips curved into a rueful smile. His mother was a ruthless force of nature who’d occasionally resorted to fear and intimidation to control her four unruly sons. Mostly she’d smothered them in such love that none of them could bear the thought of disappointing her.
“True. She has a gift.” He felt a tiny pang in the center of his heart. It’d been too long since he’d been home. “I could use her in my classroom.”
“Lord, don’t say that. She’ll be waiting next to your desk with a ruler in her hand,” Jax teased.
Another silence filled the car, then Jax cleared his throat and abruptly asked the question that had no doubt been on his mind for the past five years.
“I never knew what happened between you and Remi.” Jax kept his gaze focused on the road, as if knowing that Ash wouldn’t want him to witness the pain that twisted his features. “One day you were planning your wedding and the next the engagement was off and you were moving away.”
Ash’s breath hissed between his clenched teeth. “The Chicago Butcher happened.”
He expected his brother to drop the issue. His breakup with Remi was something he refused to discuss. His family had always respected his barriers.
But whether he was still trying to keep Ash distracted, or if it was the shock of seeing a woman he believed to be Remi at the morgue, Jax refused to let it go. “You both suffered when she was captured by the Butcher and her father was killed trying to save her,” he pointed out. “I thought it would draw the two of you closer together.”
Ash turned his head to gaze at the frozen fields that lined the road. The memories of that horrifying night were firmly locked in the back of his mind. The frantic phone call from Remi telling her father that she was being followed. Gage Walsh’s stark command that Ash drive Remi’s route in case the killer forced her car off the road on the way home, while he went to his elegant mansion on the North Shore. And then Ash’s arrival at the mansion to discover that he was too late. Gage’s blood had been found at his home, but his body had never been discovered. No one knew why the Butcher would have taken it, unless he feared that he’d left evidence on the corpse that he didn’t have time to remove. The killing, after all, wouldn’t have been planned like the ones of the females he stalked and murdered. Thank God Remi had been alive, although she’d been lying unconscious in the kitchen.
But while he wasn’t about to go into the agonizing details, Jax deserved an answer. The older man had been an unwavering source of strength over the past few years. Whether it was to shut down his father’s angry protests when Ash announced that he was leaving the police department, or driving down to the university and getting him cross-eyed drunk when he was feeling isolated and alone.
“After I brought Remi home from the hospital she started to shut me out,” he said in slow, painful tones. “At first I assumed she would get her memory back, and that she would be able to heal from the trauma she’d gone through.”
“But the memories never came back,” Jax murmured.
“No, they never came back.” Ash grimaced. He’d wasted a lot of emotional energy trying to convince Remi to get professional help to retrieve her memories. As if the return of them could somehow heal the growing breach between them. It was only with time and distance he could see that they were struggling with more than the trauma of her being attacked by the Butcher. “But it was the guilt that destroyed our hopes for the future.”
His brother sent him a sharp glance. “Guilt for what?”
Ash gave a sad shake of his head. “Remi felt guilty for her father’s death. She had a crazy idea that if she hadn’t called to say she was being followed, her father would still be alive. And to be honest, it only made it worse that his body was never found. I think a part of her had desperately hoped he would miraculously return. With each passing day, she blamed herself more and more.”
“And your guilt?” Jax pressed.
“I should never have let Gage go there alone. I was his partner.”
Jax muttered a curse. “His younger partner. Gage was your superior, and it was his call to split up so you could cover more ground. Just as it was your duty to obey his order.”
Ash shrugged. Easy to say the words; it was much harder to dismiss the gnawing remorse. If only . . .
Heaving a sigh, he leaned back his head against the seat and closed his eyes. He’d given Jax the explanation he demanded. He didn’t have the strength to argue whether it made any sense or not.
Ash kept his eyes closed even as the traffic thickened and they slowed to a mere crawl. He’d driven to the morgue enough times to know exactly when they were pulling into the side parking lot.
Lifting his head, he studied the long, cement-block building with two rows of narrow windows. Nothing had changed in the past few years. Maybe the trees lining the street had grown a little taller, and they’d replaced the flags out front. Otherwise, it was the same stark structure he remembered.
Jax switched off the engine, turning his head toward Ash. “I wish you wouldn’t do this.”
“I have to.” Ash unbuckled the seat belt and pushed open the door before stepping out.
Behind him was the sound of hurried footsteps as Jax rushed to keep up. Not that Ash was going to get far without him. He was no longer a cop, which meant he would have to hang on to the hope that Remi still had him listed as an emergency contact to get past security.
Much easier to let Jax do his thing.
Quickly at his side, Jax took charge as they entered the building. They were halted twice, but Jax flashed his badge and quickly they were stepping into a harshly lit room that felt ice-cold.
Ash shivered. He hated coming here. Even when it was a part of his job. Now his stomach was twisted so tight, it felt like it’d been yanked into knots.
They were led by a technician down a long row of steel racks where bodies wrapped in heavy plastic waited for an official ID. Or perhaps for an autopsy. He’d tried not to really notice what was going on behind the scenes. Now he felt as if he was in a dream as the technician waved for them to stop and Jax wrapped an arm around his shoulders. No, it was more like a nightmare. One that wasn’t going to end if it truly was Remi who was being slid out on a steel slab.
Taking care not to disturb the body any more than necessary, the technician slowly pulled back the plastic cover. Ash made a choked sound as he caught sight of the long, black hair that was glossy enough to reflect the overhead light. It was pulled away from a pale, beautiful face, just like Remi liked to wear it.
He swayed to the side, leaning heavily against his brother as pain blasted through him. “Christ.”
“Steady,” Jax murmured.
Ash’s gaze absorbed the delicate features. They were so heart-wrenchingly familiar. The slender nose. The high, prominent cheekbones. The dark, perfectly arched brows. The lush lips.
“I didn’t want to believe,” he rasped, his voice coming from a long way away. As if he was falling off a cliff and was waiting to hit the bottom.
Would he die when that happened?
He hoped so.
What would be the point of living in a world without Remi Walsh?
“I’m sorry,” Jax said, his own voice harsh with pain.
Ash’s gaze remained locked on Remi’s lips. It’d been five years, but he still remembered their last kiss. He’d just told her that he intended to take a job at the university. Deep inside, he’d hoped she would be furious at his decision. He wanted her to fight for their future together. Instead, she’d offered a sad smile and leaned forward to brush her mouth over his in a silent goodbye.