God, was he having second thoughts about the whole thing?
I couldn’t go back to the city.
My belly churned as familiar fear worked through me. Clutching my towel to my chest, I climbed off the counter and walked through the living room on shaky legs. I moved to the window and stared out at a large barn in the field by the house. Light glowed from inside.
He’d run away from me.
Couldn’t get away from me fast enough.
The backs of my eyes stung as the full weight of the day came crashing down. I was exhausted, emotionally and physically drained from the nerves and excitement…the uncertainty. I’d had a lot of rejection in my life, from the people who should love me the most. And Cash’s rejection made the weight of it all too heavy to bear.
I bit my lip and rushed to the bedroom.
I quickly changed into my pj’s and climbed into bed. Breathing deeply as I pulled the covers up to my chin, I tried with what little strength I had left not to cry. My belly churned in awful, relentless knots. What had I done? Had I made a huge mistake? I’d just married a man I hardly knew. What the hell had I been thinking?
I hadn’t been. I’d gone with my gut instinct, and it had been loud. Thinking about Cash had made my world slow and calm when it had been a terrifying mess for so long. Looking at his picture, into the gentleness I’d seen in his beautiful blue eyes, had filled me with warmth.
Had made me feel—safe.
Cash had been so open with me in his emails, and now? Now he was so…closed off. Elusive.
I shut my eyes. After the day I’d had, I needed sleep, lots of sleep. So much had happened. But I had a horrible feeling that if I fell asleep with my emotions all over the place like they were, all I’d see were monsters. A monster. I couldn’t handle the nightmares, not tonight.
A face flashed through my mind, one I’d been working hard to pretend didn’t exist. Keith. I shuddered, chills dancing over my skin as my heart pounded along with remembered terror. I snuggled deeper under the covers. I was safe here. I was safe.
The bed shook, and I startled awake with a scream.
“It’s just me,” Cash’s deep voice said low through the darkness.
“S-sorry, I was just…I-I got a fright. I’m not used to…to sharing a bed.” My heart raced a mile a minute. For a split second I’d been back in my apartment in the city, waking to a different man in my room. I shoved the image from my mind. Keith wasn’t here. He’d never find me here.
You’re safe.
Cash was silent for several long moments. “You want me to go?”
“No,” I said too loudly, my hand shooting out and grabbing for him before he could leave me again. My fingers met hot, bare skin. A colossal pec to be exact. “I mean, no…please stay. I don’t want to be alone.”
I’d gone to sleep thinking things I didn’t want in my head, remembering things that made my stomach revolt. What I needed was to feel close to someone. Not someone…Cash.
I’d wobbled earlier. I’d let the pain, the damage my parents caused sneak back in. And I’d doubted myself and Cash. We hadn’t even spent a full day together. I needed to trust that we could work through this initial awkward part, that ahead of me was something beautiful.
I may not have known Cash long, and really only via email, but since the first time he contacted me, I felt a connection to him. And that picture…I’d looked into his eyes and saw nothing but good. I was like my mother that way. The only good thing she’d ever given me. I just knew things. Call it a sixth sense, call it intuition—whatever it was, I’d always trusted mine, and it had always been right.
I’d ignored it once and I’d paid for it, was still paying for it.
I needed to trust my instincts now.
The mattress dipped as he settled back down.
I tried to see him through the shadows, but I could only see a faint outline. “I know I…I pushed you earlier, and I promise I won’t do that again, but could you…would you hold me?”
He didn’t answer with words but actions. One moment I was on my side of the bed, the next his big, strong hands, capable of building houses, of flying planes, of cupping the side of my face like I would break if he wasn’t careful, were wrapped around me, tugging me across the mattress.
Then I was engulfed in heat as the solid wall of his massive body pressed against mine. He was wearing pants, flannel by the feel, and no shirt. The heat of his skin radiated from him, soaking through my pj’s down to my bones.
He wasn’t just holding me, this was the bear hug of all bear hugs. His strength and warmth engulfed me, was working through me, annihilating my demons, melting them away with every second of comfort he gave.
“I can’t remember the last time I was hugged…can you?” I said into the darkness before I could think better of it.
“Yep,” Cash said, surprising me.
“You can?” My hand was against his hot skin, and I couldn’t help but stroke his chest. It was impossibly wide, strong, and muscled, and a little hairy. Not too much, but more than a dusting. I liked it. There was something comforting about it.
“Ten years.”
My hand stilled. All of me stilled.
Cash made a rough sound, not actual words, but I was pretty sure he was telling me to keep petting him. I started again, and he sighed.
Relief washed through me.
“That’s a long time,” I said, stating the obvious.
“Yep.”
“Was it with an ex-girlfriend?” We’d never really talked about past relationships. It was probably something we should have discussed. But we were trying to get to know each other, why would we waste precious time talking about a person who wasn’t important anymore? Well, that was the reason I hadn’t.
His arm spasmed around me. “My mom.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, my heart hurting for him. He’d shared that he’d lost them in one of his emails.
“It’s okay,” he said gruffly. “And you didn’t,” he said after a moment.
“I didn’t what?”
He was quiet again. His heart raced faster against my palm. The sound of him swallowing convulsively reached me in the dark. “Push.”
I pressed closer to him, I couldn’t help it. His skin smelled amazing. Soap and pine and earthy man. “But you…you left, and I thought…”
“Didn’t wanna disgrace myself,” he bit out, voice tight.
I moved my hand to his bicep and gripped tightly, afraid he’d pull away or try to leave again. “You mean you…”
He swallowed again, thickly. “Yep.”
“Oh.” He was uncomfortable. I didn’t want that. “We’re husband and wife. Granted the way we got here isn’t the normal way of doing things, but I want us to start as we mean to go on. So in the spirit of honesty, I uh, was almost there myself.”
His big body jolted. “What?”
“That kiss, Cash. I’ve never experienced anything like that. If you’d touched me, I could have…I would have, um…come as well.”
Cash cursed and tightened his hold on me, like now he was afraid I’d run from him. Or God, maybe he was about to tell me something I didn’t want to hear and was trying to cushion the blow.