‘So, how do we kill her?’
That made Kate laugh.
‘I just can’t help thinking that I’ve made a colossal mess of it. Out of everything. My career, my looks, my love life – none of it’s right. And this just proves it.’
‘You’re doing fine, Kate.’
‘But I’m not, though. I’m not where I want to be. With anything. Nothing’s right.’
They reached the Central Hall, where they were due to split up so that they could go to their assigned rooms for the rest of the day.
‘Sorry for being such a mess and ruining lunch,’ Kate said.
‘Please, don’t worry about it. You’re going through a rough patch. But you’ll come through it. Let’s talk more at the end of the day. Pub after work?’
‘What about your hot date?’
‘Claude can wait an extra hour for me. I’m going to buy you a drink first.’
It was a Saturday night, and the Rocking Horse was busy. Kate didn’t like crowded pubs. She liked cosy booths, dark corners, soft lighting and places where bar staff actually looked you in the eye when they took your orders. But, as awful as the place was, it was also cheap, and surprisingly free of tourists for somewhere tucked between Trafalgar Square and Soho.
They found a spot at the back, right by a fire escape that had been propped open by a fire extinguisher, which Kate was thankful for as she hadn’t brought anything to change into from her work uniform, and had to keep her big coat on so that people wouldn’t know where she worked (the gallery had a strict policy on this matter, especially when it concerned being seen in places where alcohol was consumed). The winter breeze was oddly soothing and Kate angled her face towards it, eager for the relief from the busy heat.
‘There we go!’ Renee placed two gin and tonics down on the table and shucked her coat off to get comfy. Kate was conscious of the heads that turned to look at Renee in her little black dress, but Renee seemed oblivious. Men had never looked at Kate like that, no matter what she was wearing. But she didn’t hate Renee for it; she hated the universe instead.
‘Thanks,’ Kate replied, taking a grateful sip.
‘How are you feeling now?
‘Better, I suppose. I haven’t opened Facebook since.’
‘You should delete it.’
‘I think that would only panic my family. They’re always checking up on me there.’
‘They can call you if they’re worried. Say your new year’s resolution is spend less time on your phone, or that Zucker-berg has become too problematic or something.’
Kate thought about it.
‘Or I could just delete Elise. And the others.’
‘That would be a good start. Get rid of all that drama!’
Kate fished her phone out of her bag and fought the apprehension around switching it back on.
‘Maybe I could make it up to them? Ring Elise, and take her out for drinks?
‘No,’ Renee was kind but firm. ‘They’re not your friends, Kate.’
‘But they were once. Doesn’t that count for something? Aren’t the friendships you make in school meant to last forever?’
‘Whoever said that was a nutcase. Friendships are just like any other relationship. Some run their course, and sometimes you have to learn to move on.’
‘So, basically this is like a break-up.’
‘Well, I guess it is. And you’ve survived all your other break-ups, you can survive this one too.’
‘Well . . .’ Kate swallowed hard. ‘I’ve never been through a break-up, actually.’
‘What do you mean, never?’
‘I’ve never had a relationship. Not a proper long-term one, anyway.’ Actually, never a relationship of any sort, but Kate wasn’t about to lay all her cards on the table. She’d let Renee imagine passionate hook-ups, flings and holiday romances. No need to go into full humiliating detail.
‘Oh, well, that’s OK.’ It seemed like Renee didn’t know what to say.
Kate looked back down at her phone and searched for Elise’s name in Facebook.
‘That cow!’
‘What is it?’
‘She deleted me first!’ Kate held up her phone, displaying an error message instead of a result.
‘Perhaps you just don’t have enough signal?’
Kate closed the app down, then opened it up again and put Elise’s name in the search bar, but the results came up blank.
‘Nope. She’s deleted me, and maybe even blocked me?’ Kate searched for India, then Georgina. ‘They don’t come up in searches any more. Instagram too. All blocked. Oh no, wait . . . Bella is still there, but it looks like she has a limited profile now. Is this what it’s come to? Seriously?’
‘They’re not your friends,’ Renee repeated as Kate felt her anxiety rising once more.
‘But now I don’t even get the satisfaction of unfriending them first! What the hell? Elise must have realised that I could see the photos. And then she went and blocked me? I suppose I should be grateful that she made a passing attempt at considering my feelings.’
‘They’re really not worth you getting upset over.’ The gin and tonics were nearly finished.
‘Let me get another round,’ Renee offered.
‘No, I’ll get this one. Unless you have to go and meet Claude?’
‘Oh, I messaged him when I was at the bar. He’s on his way here instead.’
An exotic tantrum of a girl was serving at the bar, and Kate waited patiently as the guy next to her blatantly flirted and was rewarded for his efforts with a bored eyeroll. When it was finally her turn, Kate ordered another two gin and tonics, and then shifted her shoulders, feeling awkward in her big coat. She wondered what it must feel like to be genuinely flirted with and to have the luxury of brushing them off.
The barmaid was clearly not wearing a bra, so Kate turned away while the tonics were being poured, worried that anyone would think she was staring, and let her eyes fall on the cork noticeboard nearby.
ADULT VIRGINS ANONYMOUS
Are you still a virgin?
Want to talk about it in a safe space?
Meetings every other Tuesday.
You’re not alone
Ha. Someone out there was having a laugh. Kate didn’t imagine that she was the only grown-up virgin in the world – statistically she couldn’t be – but the idea of anyone being willing to talk about it was ludicrous.
Then Kate noticed the address for the meet-up and raised her eyebrows when she realised that it was in one of her old university buildings in Bloomsbury. She remembered having tutorial group meetings there. That was it then: some student was doing research and wanted to develop some weird sociology experiment about the freakiest of the freaks. Not only was someone out there having giggle-fits about virgins, but they were planning on writing about them in some scientific paper, as if they were anomalies of nature. It was awful.
‘Claude’s nearly here!’ Renee’s smile was wide as Kate got back to their table, but her eyes betrayed her anxiety.
‘Are you nervous?’ Kate asked, placing the drink down in front of her.
‘Yes. No. I’m not sure. It’s not as if this is a blind date, but chatting after class and being drunk at a Christmas party is different from meeting up like this. There are expectations, you know? Sex adds a whole new layer on to things, and what if we don’t click? Worse: what if we click too well and then we end up in a proper relationship?’