“You mention the future being uncertain. I can agree with that in theory. I’m wondering if this is casual or something more. I don’t want you to commit to something that you’re not entirely invested in. I can’t see into the future, there is no crystal ball. I’m willing to give you a chance, but I need to know you’re going to be there,” she says with some seriousness in her tone, as if she is gauging my reaction and determining the best course of action by what I’m going to say next.
“April, I’m used to being alone,” I reply with my heart in my throat.
“What about children?” she asks a very out of the blue question.
She mentions children less than 24 hours after we meet. Is she crazy to bring up that topic so soon? I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. She probably comes from a close family.
The very idea forces me to take stock of my life. Having a child scares the hell out of me.
“My childhood was very traumatic and convinced me to steer clear of having a family. I come from a broken home and grew up without that stability in my life. My father ran out on us, and I can’t imagine continuing that cycle with a child of my own,” I confess in a moment of weakness.
“I guess I have my answer,” she laments with her eyes welling up.
“There’s still a lot of living to do before I’d consider having a child,” I state.
She touches my shoulder and leans forward to whisper into my ear. “That’s going to be very difficult when I already have a child from another relationship. He’s four years old and I know what unconditional love is all about because of him. Nothing else matters,” she states.
The awkward silence is something I’m never going to forget. There are no harsh words, but this discussion has revealed a little bit too much about me. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to be the man of a family. It doesn’t mean that I’m not willing to try for the right woman.
We just met. I’m going to need some time to think about it.
“If what you’re looking for is a good time, then maybe you should find somebody else. I hope I didn’t give you the wrong idea after what happened here a couple of hours ago. I lost a piece of myself and you helped me to find it. That is something I will always be grateful for.” She stands up and walks away from me without saying another word.
I’m shocked by her and her admission. That was the last thing I thought she was going to say. It leaves me wondering about the future. I know I want her in it - this isn’t over.
I don’t pursue her, and I want to believe that I dodged a bullet, but it doesn’t feel that way.
That metaphorical bullet feels like it is in my stomach. She is important to me in a way that I can’t possibly understand without further evaluating my life. It makes me feel empty to see her walk away.
A deep breath of regret exhales from my mouth. The world is different already without her in it. How can I possibly let her go?
Ch 5 – April
I didn’t mean to drop that bombshell in his lap last night, but there was no easy way to tell him. The rest is up to him. I have to think about my baby boy. My heart breaks thinking that it might be the deal-breaker between us, but maybe it is for the best.
It doesn’t help that I have a competition this morning and sitting here on the board with thoughts of him running around in my head isn’t healthy. There is some stiff competition out here, but younger doesn’t always mean better. With age comes wisdom, and the ability to pull back when it’s necessary. That is my advantage over these wet behind the ears kids, who have no idea what life is about to throw at them.
I have already weathered three different competitors with varying degrees of strengths and weaknesses. It makes me remember the good old days. This competition is about serving them a good dose of reality. It’s also about proving that I still have it after all these years.
I hit the waves hard, with my eyes looking directly at my competition. It feels good to dust off the old skills, finding a rhythm and moving seamlessly through the water with that certain something in the air. It’s magical and something I can’t find anywhere else.
The wave goes over me and I come through on the other side with my hair dripping but still with a smile on my face. Waiting for the right moment is something that can only be taught through experience.
It’s a timeless tradition and I’m grateful for my chance in the sun again. The numbers dwindle until there are only three of us left. The other two think they have my number, but I know certain tricks they haven’t even learned yet.
I see Alex out in the water; he is waiting for the men’s competition to start after we are done.
“Don’t go easy on those two. You need to teach these young bucks something about this sport. I do want to talk about Gage, though. He hasn’t been the same since you walked away from him on the beach.” Alex is trying to get through to me before I get back to the competition.
“I give you credit for standing up for your friend, but...” I poke his chest with my feet dangling in the water when he motions for me to look over my shoulder.
I see Gage. He still looks so damn good with his shirt wide open and wearing those khaki cargo shorts. I wasn’t expecting him to show up. It’s a surprise but a welcome one.
“I just want you to be happy,” he says as we see a huge ten-foot wave coming in on the horizon.
I’m temporarily blinded by seeing Gage again and I’m a few strokes behind the wave, but I catch up quickly with my strong arms pushing me beyond my boundaries. It’s exhausting but worth the effort to challenge myself again.
I’m using Gage to push me past the pain. I can almost hear him cheering over the sound of the waves. I’m able to beat the sandy blond girl to the prize but I’m a few steps behind the young kid barely out of her teens. We fight to see who comes out on top, and we put on a show for those watching from the beach with high-powered binoculars.
The three of us wait patiently and I look at Gage to see this beaming smile on his face. The numbers come in and I fall short by one vote. The young kid takes it, but she graciously gives me a nod of congratulations for testing her abilities.
I come in second and I feel grateful for the chance to compete again.
I walk over to Gage, with that bombshell still fresh in his mind.
“You really do have a fire inside of you. I was speechless. That was impressive,” he praises, but the only thing I can think about is duplicating the experience we had on the beach.
“Come with me and don’t say a word. I forgot how I feel after competitions. There’s usually this pent-up adrenaline during the aftermath of a competition. I have a better way than running it off.” I grab his hand and we walk away until I find this grotto.
I dive into the water and he follows until we emerge in this cave. I climb up to the rocky ledge and lie back to admire the way that he slowly, in my mind, gets out of the water. It really is a slow-motion sexual tease.
I quickly attack his cargo shorts with his shirt flapping in the breeze. I surprise him with a kiss followed by dueling tongues with my hand finding its way into the opening I have created in his cargo shorts. I stroke his length and feel the reward in my fist pumping with revitalization.