I gripped the cedar pew and held my breath. My stomach flip-flopped as though I sat in a wobbly cart on the world's most unstable rollercoaster. Growing up, my parents were never too emotional with me. We didn't sit on the couch in our pajamas with scoops of ice cream and discuss our feelings. So, to hear my dad talk about his emotions so publicly left me unnerved and uncomfortable.
"Then, one day at Quality Fresh, I bumped into a woman who then dropped a carton of eggs. She started cursing under her breath despite my immediate apologies. We both bent down at the exact time to pick up the sloppy mess, and as we did, we smacked heads. Deep embarrassment flooded my body, but once we glanced up into each other's eyes, the entire world melted away. And, that was it. The rest was history. When I was so hell-bent on avoiding love, it found me regardless. Now, I am alone again. I don't know what I'm going to do without Carin, but knowing I met her in the first place will have to suffice as I begin the next chapter of my life without her.”
Tears gushed from the corners of my eyes, and I hiccuped loud enough for the entire church to hear. Devastation hung in the air and clouded over the happy memories shared previously.
The priest recited a few more prayers, and the crowd dispersed.
"See you at the cemetery?" I asked my dad since we’d driven separately.
"I'll be there," he replied solemnly.
The cemetery, only a mile or two away from the church, filled up as people from the service came to witness Carin lowered into her final resting place. I held my father's hand as he tossed a single rose onto his wife's casket. The last flower he'd ever give to her would now rot in the ground.
My father declined to host a meal after the service, even though Carin's family begged him to do so. I didn't blame him. Instead, he wanted to go home and sleep. Probably drink the rest of the day away. I assumed so because it was exactly what I wanted to do.
Seven
I left my car at the church and strolled down Main Street. Hip-hop music traveled toward me as did the murmurs of people talking and laughing with each other. Besides a few restaurants and shops, there were a couple of bars on Main Street too. One of them overlooked the river, but it didn't attract the most upstanding citizens, so I passed it.
My friends and I had always tried to sneak into the various bars when we were underage. Sometimes we managed to get in, and others, the bouncers were much stricter.
I stepped through the outdoor patio door after flashing my ID to the burly bouncer sitting atop a tall wooden stool. I might have recognized him, but his name didn't come to mind. He looked at me with curious eyes when he checked my license. Maybe he knew me too.
I approached the bar and couldn't hear myself think. Jay-Z blasted from the speakers as patrons stood around high-top tables, smoking cigarettes and clinking glasses together. Just with a glance, I recognized several people I went to school with and a handful of people older than me.
As expected, some of my former classmates waved emphatically, and others pretended as though they hadn't seen me at all. Some smiled at me, and others avoided my gaze like the plague. I preferred the latter, to be honest. It seemed like a high school reunion.
I wasn't up for small talk, so I sat down at one of the last chairs at the bar and raised my finger to signal the bartender. My buzz from the funeral threatened to wear off if I didn't consume more and right away.
"What can I get for you?" a man with black hair and a finely trimmed beard asked.
"I'll have a glass of your house white. Actually, on second thought, make it a Long Island iced tea.”
Go big or go home.
"Coming right up.” He took my credit card to start a tab. I only planned on having one drink, but something inside me told me to keep it open, just in case.
There was a decent crowd around me, and electricity surged through the air. The sun sparkled through at just the right angle to illuminate all those already on the dance floor. For the life of me, I didn't understand why the place was so rockin' in the early afternoon. Then, to answer my question, a parade of girls in pink boas and tiaras strutted through the doors. The ringleader of the motley crew had "Bachelorette" scribbled across her sash in elegant script. The others had "Squad" on their ribbons.
I almost threw up in my mouth until I reminded myself to stay calm and that not everyone is a miserable hermit crab. The bartender brought back my order faster than I expected, and I raised my glass to him before taking a deep gulp of the cocktail.
"Wow!" I said to no one in particular as goosebumps sprang up across my arms.
"Wow is right," a voice whispered in my ear behind me.
I whipped around to find none other than my high school boyfriend, Noah. My stomach plummeted as if I'd jumped off the Empire State Building, and I almost let my drink slip out of my hands. I choked on the air in my lungs, in shock at the man before me.
"Noah," I said flatly, trying to regain my composure.
"What are you doing back in Keygate? Didn’t expect to see you here.” His perfectly straight teeth glittered under the lights above us.
"My stepmother passed away. I'm here for her funeral." My heart pounded in my chest.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
Beads of sweat formed at the nape of my neck too. It was tenth grade all over again.
His chestnut eyes expanded, and his hand brushed against my forearm. "I'm so sorry, Elle. Are you okay?”
I couldn't tell if he was genuinely asking me or just making conversation. We hadn't seen each other in many years, and we didn't part on good terms.
"I'm fine. Thank you for asking.”
"Can I get you another?" he asked, eyeing my half-full Long Island.
Did I want to go here? Did I want to have a drink with my ex-boyfriend? The correct question here was should I? Deep down, my gut begged me to say yes, but my brain tried to squash that desire.
"I'll take a shot of Jack," I said.
Often, no matter what your mind says, your heart will always win out.
Countless shots later, Noah had his arm around me, and I didn't stop him. The guilt of having another man's arm around me while I grieved the death of my fiancé lingered just below the surface. I pushed it down further. The alcohol helped silence its nagging call.
I was a year younger than Noah. I first noticed him during my freshman year of high school. During one break between classes, I saw a cute boy striding down the hall with his band t-shirt, black plastic eyeglasses, and a piercing through his lip. It may have been that exact moment I fell in love with him, which sounds silly because I was only fourteen years old, but it's true.
The next year, my sophomore and his junior, I befriended one of his friends who shared a study hall with me. That friend, Peter Williams, invited me to sit with him and his buddies at lunch one day. Peter knew I wasn't very popular. It's hard to separate yourself in a school full of girls with perfect hair, C cups, and curves to die for. Me, on the other hand, I still had a retainer and the body of a twelve-year-old boy.
When I sat down for lunch, the boy I observed so many months prior was sitting there too. My heart stopped right then. He introduced himself, and it was all downhill from there. I ate with the guys every day at lunch for the rest of the year.