I’m nothing but trash, always have been. My insecurities have destroyed my sense of self-worth, it has been thrown aside for a man who does nothing but take from me. He gives me nothing, not a single thing, not even orgasms.
Louis Kingston deserves someone who knows her self-worth, who is strong and not weak like me. He should be with literally anybody but me. I’m weak, pathetic, and kind of sad, which is why I stay with Joey when I know that he’s worthless.
Joey is easy. He expects nothing but for me to take care of the bills. And I expect absolutely zero from him. It’s a sad existence, but it’s easy and although he’ll hurt me, Joey will never destroy me.
If I lost a man like Louis, I would become a shell of a person. I honestly don’t know if I would ever be able to survive losing a man like him. I don’t mean money-wise either, it’s just that he’s a good man. The best one that I’ve ever known.
Granted, I didn’t spend much time with him, but I hear the way Channing, Exeter, and Hutton talk about him. He’s amazing and I’m just not worthy.
Turning my back to Joey, I start to make dinner for the both of us. Tears fill my eyes with each move that I make. Tears of frustration, of pain, and of self-loathing fall down my cheeks.
ONE MONTH LATER
LOUIS
Inhaling a deep breath, I look around my condo and cringe. It’s a fucking disaster. It could give Beaumont’s house in Texas, at the height of his addiction, a run for its money. Enough is enough. I’ve spent the last three months lost in self-pity and loathing. It’s time for me to dust my fucking shit off and man the fuck up.
Searching for my phone, I call a cleaning service to come and deep clean the entire place. I don’t allow them to do everything though. I created this mess, so I’m going to clean up the bulk of the garbage.
I’m taking out my fourth bag of trash when my phone rings in my pocket. I expect it to be my agent, maybe my publicist or someone like that, but what I don’t expect is to have Wyatt on the other end of the phone.
“Yeah?” I grunt into the phone as I heave the trash into the commercial dumpster.
“Surprised you finally answered. Only been tryin’ to get ahold of you for four months,” he states.
Chuckling, I lift my hand and run my palm over my bald head. “Yeah, been going through some shit,” I shamelessly admit.
He makes a noise, then clears his throat. “Remember once upon a time that Beaumont was going through some shit too, and you were right there to help him. In fact, along with Ford, you were kind of pissed that he didn’t tell you what he’d been goin’ through earlier.” Wyatt reminds me of a time not long ago and he’s right. I was irritated and frustrated with Beau for not talking to us, to his friends, his family.
“Yeah,” I mumble.
He hums. “Yeah is fuckin’ right. When are you coming home?” he asks, his tone demanding an immediate answer.
“Don’t know,” I admit.
“Be nice if you had an idea. No reason to hide away, not when your family can help you heal.”
“Can you though?” I ask.
I’m sure it comes off as a smart ass remark, but I don’t mean it that way. I’m not sure that they can help me. I fucking killed someone.
“Rylan can,” he says, his voice low.
I hiss, remembering that Rylan killed a pregnant woman several years ago in a car accident. He was under the influence and driving. Fucking killed her and the baby she was carrying. Closing my eyes, I inhale a deep breath and let it out in a long whoosh.
“Like I said, your family can help you, Louis. Come back to Gallup and let us be there for you. The girls are losing their goddamn minds because they’re not able to mother you.”
Chuckling, I shake my head, startled by the sound of my laughter, even if it is strained. I haven’t heard my own laugh for months. Opening my eyes, I nod as if he can see me.
“Got some meetings this week, then I’m coming home for a few months.”
“Good. Text me.”
Wyatt ends the call and I’m not surprised by his short departure. He’s not a guy who sits around on the phone and bullshits. He’s busy, he’s got a physically and mentally demanding job, he’s got a new baby on the way, plus a new niece or nephew coming right on the heels of his own.
His life has been moving forward, good shit happening to him left and right while I sit here in my condo in Vegas letting life just fucking pass right by me. Enough. I’ve had enough of my own self-pity.
This shit ends now.
Turning back to my condo, I walk into the elevator car and watch the numbers light up as it rises to the top, the penthouse. First thing I’m going to do is put this place on the market. I’m not happy here, never have been.
Vegas is the place I called home in the past. It’s the city where I was born and raised, but it no longer feels like home. Gallup is now my home and Vegas is just where I come to train, sometimes where I fight.
I don’t need my own place here, hell, I can just rent a house or apartment when I’m here for a few months out of the year. It’s time for a change and the only person who is going to make that shit happen, is me.
Smirking, I open my phone and find the woman that I have been pushing to the back of my mind on social media. Her picture stares back at me, those sad eyes that consume me are right there.
Glancing down to the relationship update, my lips turn up into a full smile: single. Maybe she thinks that being with someone who isn’t her same race is a mistake. I’m going to show her that she’s wrong, that her preconceived notions are completely fucking wrong. I’m a good man and the right one for her.
If she still doesn’t want me, then I can honestly say that I tried. But I can’t just walk away without a fight, without even showing her who I am inside. I need her to see me for all that I am. Just like I crave to see her for all that she is, too.
Chapter One
ONE MONTH LATER
TULIP
Joey watches me from the corner of the room. I don’t know why he’s here again, no, I do. He wants me back or should I say he wants a free place to live again. I broke up with him two months ago. Kicked his ass out and have refused to let him back, no matter how many sweet words and apologies he’s given me.
I was willing to accept all that was his lazy ass. I was more than willing to take whatever he shoveled toward me, everything except one thing.
Cheating.
Maybe I’m stupid for having a hard limit at all. I probably should just take him back, but there is something inside of me that can’t. As little respect as I have for myself, that’s something that I can’t accept.
Trying to make my way to the back without him seeing me, I know that I’ve failed when I feel his fingers wrap around my bicep.
“Tulip,” he says softly, almost in a purr.
Turning my head, I look up and wince at the sight of him. His beard is scraggly, his hair the same. He looks and smells as if he hasn’t had a shower since I kicked him out. “Joey,” I rasp.
“Please,” he begs.
If I thought he was sincere, then I would probably welcome him back with open arms as I’ve done a dozen other times. But I know that he isn’t. He’s sorry, but not for having sex with someone else, he’s sorry that he was caught.