Fuck.
What an illusion.
This place is the deepest, darkest, dirtiest cruel place I’ve ever experienced in my life. I could never live here full time, surrounded by leeches that will suck you dry, discard you, and move on to their next victim.
Without Gallup, without Wyatt, Ford, Louis, and Rylan, I would be lost to this world. They keep me sane, keep me balanced, but I’ve been lying to them about my problem for years, hiding it from them, ashamed and embarrassed that I would lose myself inside of a bottle every fucking night.
Now, with this concert, I am going to have to go back to face them. I’ve been avoiding them since being released from rehab. Pinching my eyes closed again, I let out a sigh. What I don’t want to do is see the looks of disappointment on their faces and have to explain myself, my problems. Especially when I know Rylan has had shit so much worse than I ever could imagine.
I feel like a goddamn pussy.
Don’t I always though?
Fuck, I do.
Always.
Chapter Two
HUTTON
Sinking down in the chair across from my PawPaw, I let out a huff of air. I usually try to make my way out to visit him every other weekend. He’s getting older and is lonely. My other cousins take turns, but I’m the only consistent one. I’m also the only single one, without a family of my own.
“What’re up to, Toots?” he asks with a wheezing breath.
Picking up my glass of sweet tea, I shrug. “Not much, just work.”
“You need a husband and to have some babies,” he points out just like he always does, every single time that I come here.
I nod, not wanting to answer him, not really wanting to talk about the patheticness of my current existence. PawPaw doesn’t just let it go though, no, he keeps on going, keeps digging that aching pit in my chest deeper and deeper.
“Your cousin Charlene’s just had her third. She brought the little thing over to me the other day. Bless that baby’s heart, ain’t gonna catch no ladies he keeps lookin’ the way he does.” He shrugs.
“PawPaw,” I scold, trying to keep a straight face.
In reality, I’m dying laughing on the inside. Charlene was never known for her looks, and eventually she grew into the size of her head, but I have no doubt that her kids probably look just like she did as a baby and child.
“Them kid’s been beat with the ugly stick, Toots, and you know it. Now, you were a beautiful baby, still a gorgeous girl. Which is why I’m pushin’ for you to balance Charlene and get to makin’ some pretty babies.”
Sliding my sweaty palms down the front of my jeans, I shake my head a couple of times. “Sorry, PawPaw, I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon.”
He hums, reaching for his can of beer and I watch as he tips it back, gulping down the cool liquid. PawPaw likes his beer, especially in the heat of the day. He always says that it quenches his thirst, but I don’t know about that. It just looks like a bad habit to form to me.
Personally, I don’t drink at all. I’ve never really liked how it makes people act. I don’t like anything that can alter someone’s behavior, change how they behave and how they treat others.
When you spent your entire childhood in a household with mean alcoholics, you tend to steer clear of liquor. I spend the rest of the afternoon sitting on the porch with my grandpa, just enjoying his company, aside from the talk of my future reproductivity.
Later that afternoon, I make dinner for both of us. PawPaw goes to bed around nine in the evening, leaving me wide awake and unable to stop my brain from working overtime. Grabbing my eReader, I head outside and walk over to the porch swing.
Sinking down onto the swing, I tuck my legs beneath me and open the cover on my Kindle. Finding my current read, I click on the image of the sexy shirtless man that adorns the cover of the eBook.
Inhaling the warm Texas air, I begin to read, allowing myself to get lost in the world that is nestled inside of the book. I press my lips together, trying not to think about the fact that this is my life, it always has been, getting lost inside of a book, inside of a fictional world.
The only time that I threw caution to the wind was with Beaumont and I not only crashed, but I burned. I haven’t been sitting at home too afraid to date. Even if Laurie thinks that I am scared, I’m not. I’ve been on dates. I’ve even had sex with a few guys, but it’s just that none of them are him, and none of them compare to him, especially in bed.
It’s so damn frustrating.
Maybe I just need to settle. I wouldn’t be the first woman to have ever done that. I want a family and I’m only getting older. Twenty-eight with no prospects is bleak.
Letting out a long sigh, I look out at the darkened dirt road that’s ahead of me. A dirt road that I’ve run barefooted across more times than I could even count throughout my entire childhood and even teenage years.
I think about the girl that had hopes and dreams as she ran down the road, her feet slapping down against the dirt and rocks that line the drive. She didn’t know that only half of her dreams would ever come to fruition. That only half of her life was considered successful, that the rest of her life was empty and sad… pathetic.
Unable to think about it for another moment longer, I turn back to my book, choosing to get lost in the romance story about an alpha male who falls head over heels for the shy, good girl in town.
The manwhore who realizes that he wants only her for the rest of his life, that no other woman could ever compare to this heroine—past, present, or future.
God, how I wish that could be my life.
What I wouldn’t give for a man to have that kind of passion about me. What I wouldn’t give to feel wanted, loved, and desired.
Sniffling, I shake the thoughts from my head and continue to read until I eventually am unable to keep my eyes open for a moment longer. Eventually, I slump down into the porch swing seat and fall asleep in the warm Texas moonlight.
Something tugs on my toe and I quickly sit up, blinking as the sun shines in my eyes. Looking around, I blink again and my lips tip up into a small smile as my PawPaw shoves a mug of warm coffee in my direction.
“What time is it?” I ask as I reach for the mug.
He clucks his tongue and shakes his head once. “Six. Early bird catches the worm. Or in this case, fills their breadbasket. How’s about we get some breakfast?”
I lick my lips, thinking about the diner which is about an hour away. They have the best blueberry pancakes around.
“The diner?” I ask, my voice hopeful.
“Go and get dressed,” he chuckles.
My grandpa spoils me, he always has. He may have ten grandchildren, but we’ve always had a special connection. Maybe because he practically raised me, kept me safe when I needed him most, who knows?
Hopping down from the swing, I practically run into the house, the screen door slamming behind me as I go. The sound of my PawPaw’s guffaw, at my excitement for food, in the background.
BEAUMONT
My attorney lifts his chin.
The deal is done, his approval is what I needed to go ahead and sign the document. One hundred small towns across the United States. Three shows in each town, one hundred tickets for each show. Ticket prices capped at one hundred dollars apiece.