“Cora. We are not our parents.”
“I know, but…”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I tell her.
My voice is firm. I’ve never been more certain about anything. I will be there for Cora and our daughter.
“And secondly, you’re an adult now. Your mother has the option to pursue a different career path or go back to school or travel the world… anything she wants. But she isn’t. And that has nothing to do with you.”
Cora nods, hesitantly.
“I promise that you and I will have an amazing life together with Alicia. I promise that she will enrich it, not take away from it.” I take Cora’s hand and kiss her knuckles. “And, like I promised at our wedding, I will do anything to make you happy.”
That finally gets a little smile out of her.
I clear my throat, ready to go on with the rest of an impromptu speech. “I promise to…”
Cora groans.
“Okay, I know it was getting cheesy, but…”
She groans again and clenches my hand, squeezing so hard I think she might break it.
“I think that’s a contraction,” she says.
“Oh, God,” I reply, loud and frantic. “We need to go to the… um…”
Of course we’ve got a plan and of course we know what to do. But right now, my mind is racing, and I remember absolutely none of it.
“Hospital,” she says. “The world you’re looking for is hospital.”
Right.
And despite my bumbling and panicking, I manage to find Cora’s bag, help her into the car, and get to the hospital without killing anyone.
Fourteen
Cora
There are so many things that they don’t tell you about giving birth. Or, okay… they tell you, but you still aren’t prepared for it until it happens to you.
It’s long. And hard. And painful. You’ll scream and cry and curse and want to tear your partner limb from limb.
Then, suddenly, there’s this helpless little creature in your arms. And it’s yours to raise and teach and somehow mold into a good, helpful person.
The tears are back. I can’t help it.
Ever since the nurse put baby Alicia in my arms, it’s been non-stop waterworks. I seriously didn’t think there were any tears left in my body, but I guess I was wrong. I look over at Ian and he’s no better, but he’s at least trying to keep it together.
“Alicia Mary,” I whisper to her, rocking her in my arms.
“She’s perfect,” Ian says.
I nod. She is perfect.
“It’s never going to be the same, is it?” I ask, my voice still low.
I scoot over on the hospital bed, and Ian gets in next to me.
“No,” he answers. “Never going to be the same. It’s going to be better.”
“She’s finally asleep,” Ian says. He’s still whispering, even though there’s no reason to. He’s superstitious. I don’t think either of us has had a decent night’s sleep in the past four months.
“Thank you for getting up.”
He mumbles something and slides back under the covers.
“I love you,” I tell him.
I think he says you too before rolling onto his side.
“Ian?” I ask, concerned.
He rolls back over, a little more awake now.
“We haven’t had sex since Alicia was born,” I remind him.
“Well, aren’t you supposed to wait…”
“Didn’t have to be this long.”
He runs a hand through his sleep-rumpled hair.
“You… want to try and have sex right now?” he asks.
“I mean…”
Ian raises an eyebrow. “Cora, as much as I…”
“Yeah, I don’t think we’d get very far,” I admit.
“I could try, but I think I’d pass out with my face between your legs,” he says with a laugh.
“Charming.”
It feels good to laugh at something. Together.
“I’m worried I’ll never get it back, Ian,” I whisper.
“What’s ‘it’?”
“You know… We used to be all over each other. All the time. And now I feel like I’m all dried up and empty inside. Like the want is gone.”
“You don’t want me anymore?” he asks.
“Fuck, no. I’m not saying this right at all.” I sigh out loudly. “I just thought that after the baby came, I’d feel sexy again. I mean, I’d want sex again.”
“It’ll happen.”
“Well, I’m frustrated. It’s not happening fast enough.”
“Just be patient,” he says. His eyes are closing.
“I know, but it’s been months and it’s not back.”
“Everybody’s different.”
I groan. He’s right. But that’s not helpful.
“What if it never comes back, Ian?” I ask, growing a little restless.
“It will.” He sounds sure.
“But if it doesn’t, are you seriously okay being with me, knowing that I’ll never want to have sex. Ever again.”
“Cora, that’s really going to the extreme.”
“Answer the question.”
I look into his eyes, demanding the truth. He softens and lets out a deep sigh.
“I’m here the long haul, Cora. If you really, truly never want to have sex again… I’ll figure out how to deal with that.”
Ian closes his eyes and easily drifts off to sleep.
I, however, am wide awake, wondering if this is how I’m going to feel forever.
Fifteen
Ian
Weeks pass and nothing changes.
On the surface, Cora and I are fine. We don’t fight. We get up and tend to Alicia, get ourselves ready, and go about our respective days. Which for me, means a ton of recording sessions with the guys.
The international tour was postponed for one year and during the touring hiatus, we’re set to release an entire new album. Dylan’s hell bent on calling it Shades of Jane after his girlfriend, the infamous Jane Doe. And since he writes the majority of the music, the rest of us aren’t fighting him.
He’s got a new song written called In the Darkness that we’ve now attempted to record about seven times. And I’ve messed it up six of those times.
This seventh one is going okay, but Dylan stops us anyway.
“What’s going on, man?” he asks. “You’re playing like you’re falling asleep over there.”
“Sorry.” I don’t have the energy to fight him right now.
“Look, I get it, but we’ve gotta get this done today,” he says.
He doesn’t get it. None of these guys do.
They’ll all go home at the end of the recording session to their significant others and things won’t be tense and unsure. They don’t have the love of their life feeling lost and broken and they’re helpless to fix the problem.
None of them have a newborn at home either.
I want to tell him to go fuck himself.