“Seriously,” he says with a little smile. “I’ll be around so much you’ll be sick of me.”
I roll my eyes.
Ian leans down to kiss me, his fingers tangled in my damp hair and his stubble scraping at my chin.
I still lose track of time when Ian kisses me. It’s still as deep and passionate and thrilling as it was the first time.
I blush a little, remembering the first time Ian kissed me. We had a lot of firsts that night.
Ian deepens the kiss and I part my lips for his tongue. He rolls over so that we’re on our sides, facing each other and I’m pressed up tightly against his body.
He’s hard for me.
Seriously, he’s hard for me.
Ian pulls back.
“What’s the matter?” he asks, gently.
“Ian, how can you still want me when I look like… this?”
He puts a hand on my belly. “Like what?”
I sigh. “I guess it’s nice of you not to make me say it.”
“You mean ‘pregnant’?”
“Yeah.”
Ian slides off of me so that he’s kneeling and kind of straddling my shins. He smooths my huge tee shirt up, exposing my belly, and places a kiss on my navel.
“You have no idea how sexy you are to me right now,” he whispers.
I don’t believe him. But I don’t want to sound like I’m fishing for compliments either. So I murmur some assent.
Ian keeps his mouth on me, moving further and further down my body. A chill runs through me.
But not in a good way.
Like a get off me way.
Which is something I’ve never felt towards my husband. Ever.
“What’s wrong?” Ian asks. “You tensed up.”
I ease him off as best I can.
“I can’t, Ian. Just… I can’t. Not now.”
“Okay.” He backs off. Of course he does. “No problem.”
He doesn’t sound insulted or disappointed, but he does sound concerned. He lies down next to me, and I snuggle into his shoulder. He presses his lips to the top of my head, letting me know we’ll be okay.
And we will. Eventually.
But I can’t help but wonder how long that’ll take.
Thirteen
Ian
For the next few days, all Cora seems to want to do is be alone. She’s been out once with Aya to get her nails done, but other than that, she’s barely left the house. I’ve tried to talk to her. To get her to watch movies with me. To just hold her.
But, something’s off.
Sure, she puts on a smile and tells me that she’s okay. But I know she’s saving face.
Pretty soon, the fake-niceties and the distance drive me insane. I have to say something.
Cora’s on the sofa reading. She looks up when she sees me walk into the living room and smiles sweetly but goes back to her book without saying anything.
I gently take it from her and set it on the coffee table.
“Cora, we need to talk,” I tell her.
“Why?”
“I can’t do this anymore. The distance. The silence. The faking nice to each other. It’s driving me crazy. We haven’t talked about anything real since Shawn and Aya’s wedding, and I feel like we’re drifting apart.”
She looks at me strangely.
“Which is pretty scary since, you know, we’re having a baby together,” I stupidly remind her.
Cora looks frustrated.
“Ian, I don’t know how many more times you need to hear that I feel enormous and ugly and sweaty and… not like myself,” she says. She’s raising her voice, which she nearly never does.
“You’re beautiful…”
“Don’t do that,” she continues. “You want to talk about something real? Fine. Let’s get real.”
I swallow hard. I feel like I may have just gone down a road I don’t know how to navigate.
“I hate that me getting pregnant held up the Say Yes international tour. I feel guilty about that every day. How’s that for real?” she asks.
“That was a unanimous decision,” I assure her. “The band voted…”
“You know it wasn’t a unanimous decision.”
“Dylan came around eventually.”
She doesn’t look appeased.
“How about the fact that I turned down a role I really wanted because we’d be shooting during my last trimester,” she says. “And I’ve been really bitter about it since they’re filming right now, without me.”
I knew about that part. It was for an action movie and the part would have been cool.
“There will be other movies,” I tell her.
“Not the point,” she says. “I just wonder if maybe, just… maybe… I resent this baby. Just a little bit.”
At that final admission, Cora starts crying. I sit down next to her and take her hand. I know she feels like a horrible person right now. And she doesn’t deserve to feel that way.
“I’m going to confess something to you,” I tell her. “And I promise I’ll never mention this ever, ever again.”
She nods. Go ahead.
“Putting off the world tour wasn’t the easy decision I made it out to be,” I tell her.
“Really?”
“No. I mean, when you told me you were pregnant, I was so happy. But I was scared about what that meant for the band. I was worried they’d let me go and find a new drummer. Or that I’d have to figure out how to be halfway around the world and yet, somehow here with you.”
Cora wipes her eyes.
“I didn’t think the guys would be so cool about postponing, and I thought I’d lose my career. I thought for a second that I’d resent this baby too.” I sigh. “God, I feel horrible having just said that.”
“I know,” she confirms. “I feel like such a garbage human.”
I take her hand.
“How did you get past that?” she asks.
“Honestly? I think about my mom,” I tell her.
“Your mom?”
“Yeah. I mean, she got pregnant by a guy who…”
I sigh. It’s been decades but talking about my dad is still not easy.
“By a guy who was terrible for her. Who she loved, but who didn’t love her back,” I continue. “Getting pregnant with me and then, later, with Nikki, was probably the worst possible scenario. But, as long as she lived, my mom always told us that Nikki and I were the best things that ever happened to her. And I think that she truly believed that.”
Cora’s eyes are wet with tears.
“I believe this baby is going to be the best thing that ever happened to us, too,” I tell her.
Cora sniffles. “I’ve never told anyone this before,” she starts, “but my mom didn’t want children. She didn’t want to be a stay-at-home mother. But my father was super traditional.”
“I had no idea.”
“Yeah. They broke up when I was young and then he disappeared completely when I was a teenager.”
I nod. I never knew this about her mom.
“I think she blamed me for holding her back in life,” she continues. “I think she still wonders what she could have been had she not had me.”