I don’t know why, but I think she can handle it.
I think she can handle me.
I think I want her to.
I can’t look at her, but I don’t want to leave.
I pace around again.
“You’re mad at Sadie because she cheated on you,” she says. “For two months. With someone so different.”
The heat.
The heat on my skin.
In my blood.
It has to come out.
“It’s not that, even.”
“It’s not?”
“No. I can’t fucking believe she did this. My family trusted her. I can’t believe she just fucking left us!”
I take two steps and punch the wall in front of me, and I don’t even realize I’m doing it until I hear her scream.
Shit.
My fist is through the drywall.
“Shit.” I pull my fist out and look over at her. “I am so sorry.”
She doesn’t seem scared or confused like she did when I mentioned “the principal.” Right now, she just looks concerned. For me.
“Are you okay?”
Am I okay?
“What? Yeah. Good thing I didn’t punch the exposed brick. It’s just half-inch drywall. I didn’t—I’m going to fix that. Tomorrow. I’m sorry—I can fix it. Don’t hire somebody else. I’ll come back and patch it up.”
I cannot fucking believe I just did that.
I look back at her.
She isn’t even looking at the hole I just made in her wall. Her brow is furrowed as she stares at the floor, shaking her head. She looks up at me. “So… This was just supposed to be a revenge fuck or something?” Her eyelids flutter when she says the word “fuck.”
“No. Yes. At first—yeah. But not after I started talking to you.”
She looks me in the eyes and then down at the floor again. After a few seconds, she watches me as she stands up. Still holding the pillow to her chest, she goes to the kitchen. “Stay there,” she says. “I’m gonna get something.”
She disappears into the kitchen. I fully expect her to come running out with a knife while shrieking. That’s what eighty percent of the women I’ve been with would do in this situation. If I were smart, I’d go out the front door and never look back.
But I still don’t want to leave.
I hear the fridge door open and shut.
Nina comes out holding a bag of frozen peas in front of the pillow at her chest. She walks over to me, picks up my right hand, and places the icy bag on top of my knuckles.
The sting of cold makes me jerk back, but nothing’s as startling as the way she’s looking at me—with such kindness and understanding. I have to look away. I have no idea what’s going to happen next. I just know that I have never met anyone like this girl before, and if I’ve blown my chance at getting to know her more, my fist will be going through every wall I encounter for the rest of my life.
4
Nina
Here are three things I came up with when I was trying to figure out how to get revenge on my ex yesterday: 1) Pay twenty kids to attack him with squirt guns filled with neon paint. 2) Bake him forgiveness cupcakes. Spit in the batter. 3) Be really nice to him but secretly hate him and tell Marnie that he never went down on me but he once asked me to blow him in his office after school. Trust that Marnie will tell all the other teachers.
Pretty uninspired. Vince’s idea is much more elegant and fun. While I would never have come up with it in a million years and it doesn’t seem completely logical to me…who am I to judge? This is my first ever one-night stand. I don’t seem to care what his motives are.
Ever since I began teaching first grade, I started seeing glimpses of the six-year-old boy inside every man I meet. Vince has been all man since I met him, but when he was telling me the truth about how we were connected, and after he punched the wall, I could see it in his eyes. The six-year-old boy inside of Vince is sweet and trying to act tougher than he is. He loves his mama, and he’s not going to hurt me. It’s a gut feeling, but I trust it.
And, I mean…no one has ever told me they felt a “connection” before. But we do have a somewhat bewildering connection.
When I’m ninety and looking back on my life, will I regret having sex with this man tonight?
Oh.
Hell.
No.
In fact…if I had to live through three years of orgasm-less sex with a man I thought would make me feel safe, just to get to this guy who has already made me feel things that I’ve never felt before in the span of a couple of hours…WORTH IT.
“How’s that?” I ask as I hold the bag of frozen peas on the top of his hand and wait for him to place his other hand on top of it.
“Good. Thank you.”
“Can you still use your hand tonight?”
“Yeah, it’s fine.” He doesn’t get why I’m asking. “I should probably go, huh?” he says hesitantly.
I shake my head.
I haven’t had a reckless heart since I was sixteen years old and had no idea that a heart could be broken. But tonight, with Vince in my apartment and that blue drink coursing through my veins…
I do something that I never would have imagined myself doing my whole life up until now. I let the throw pillow that I’ve been clinging to my chest fall to the floor. The look on Vince’s face as he takes me in, standing in front of him naked but for my soaking wet panties, is enough to get me over my nervousness. I grab hold of his belt, pull him toward me, and kiss him. He lets the bag of frozen peas drop to the floor, grabs my ass with both hands, and lifts me up. I wrap my legs around his waist as he carries me to the bedroom. It’s almost as if there was no interlude, except there’s an intensity and urgency now.
“You sure this is what you want?” he asks as he lays me down on the bed, his voice husky and low and so sexy I bet he could make me come while reading the phone book out loud.
“Right now it’s the only thing I want. Just don’t break anything else.”
“I will try not to break your bed frame. But if I do, I’ll make you a new one.” He pulls me down to the edge of the mattress. “I also used to make furniture.” He winks at me as he lowers himself to kiss my neck, my chest, my belly while dragging his fingers lightly down my torso. He’s waking my body up in ways and places that are so unfamiliar to me, but I am fully committed to opening myself up to him for the rest of this night.
“For the record,” I say, all breaths and sighs, “the principal never did touch me the way you’re touching me. Or make me feel anywhere near as good.”
He doesn’t pause from kissing my inner thigh, but I can tell that he’s smiling.
“And you’ve already made me come more than he ever did in three years.”
“Well, darlin,’ I hope you’re ready for more.” With a few swift moves, he removes my panties, kneels on the floor, hikes my hips up, places my legs over his shoulders, and looks down at my most private place while stroking my thighs. It should make me feel so shy and vulnerable, but he’s admiring me. “Fuck, you’re beautiful.”
I look up at the ceiling and try to relax, but I cover my face with my arms when I feel his warm breath over my lady parts. It tickles in the most grown-up way imaginable, and I have to force myself not to giggle.