Actually, I did like my eighth birthday, back when everyone thought I was interesting in a good way. We moved all the way to Houghton because my parents needed new jobs. Even though life was a lot harder without money, Mom and Dad wanted to impress everyone by filling the whole house with streamers of every color and lucky for them, they got the whole thing on their camcorder. That party was actually the last time my whole entire basement was filled with all the girls from class. We half watched Grease, and took turns connecting our freckles together with the glittery gel pens I got as a present.
Sofie was at that party too. Don’t tell anybody this, but I remember she reached for my hand below the table just as I was about to blow out those eight butterfly-shaped candles. And she held on hard. Do you have small things that you can’t forget? Even if there were no words and it’s probably not even on camera? I’m not sure why I remember that moment so much. I do think that holding hands with somebody can make everything feel bigger inside, which means more room for a bigger wish. That was the first year I blew out all of my candles at once.
My birthday this year started with my favorite pencil, with the most fun eraser, snapping all the way in half. The tip was shaped like a happy-looking dog with big blue eyes, and it flew right out of my hand because I was trying to erase on my spelling pretest too hard. Then Dylan Beaman accidentally stepped on my favorite pencil while getting out of his chair. I guess he wanted to get to recess fast. I can’t really blame him for that, can I? Maybe it was my fault for dropping it.
Dylan Beaman saw the look on my face and said, “Sorry, Ellie.” I believed him. He walked away and I picked up the sharpened half of my pencil from the dusty floor. It’s only about one inch long now, and won’t be very helpful for erasing anymore. I decided to turn in my pretest with that spelling word half-gone and followed Dylan out to the playground.
Recess is usually my favorite time of the day too, another thing that Dylan and I have in common. All the fifth graders were playing a new game called Red Rover, and we even let some innocent fourth graders play too. Sofie and I held hands for the second time ever, but I promise you that it wasn’t a big deal because she was right next to me and everybody was doing it. Everybody then shouted the words Red Rover, Red Rover together, and held on for dear, dear life.
I really hope this isn’t true, but I think Courtney and them have figured out that Sofie and I have a secret club, because people kept trying to break us apart during Red Rover. Not even the smallest of all my old friends, Mary, was afraid of us. She kicked the dirt back for an extra-strong start, and came running toward us with a huff and puff. I felt Sofie’s nails digging into my skin. We swung our arms together. It was as hard as I could hold, and guess what? We didn’t break up. Instead, Mary bounced off of us like a slingshot. I couldn’t help but celebrate with a tiny dance because I realized that maybe I am stronger than I know. Has that happened to you before? They thought the two of us would be weak and easy to smash in between because we usually get picked last in gym class and because I did such a bad job leading the stretches the other day. They were wrong, though.
But, I don’t know, do you think I look weak? I guess you wouldn’t know because we’ve never actually met before. I drew you a picture so you can see. I didn’t include my head because I don’t really like my haircut right now. Luckily, I do know how to draw a good tie-dyed shirt.
I have to admit, though, I let go of Sofie’s hand on purpose when Dylan Beaman came running through. His truck-themed sweatshirt pushed against my arm, and he crashed into the grass behind us. I like to think of it as a really fast hug, our first hug actually. I know it was wrong to let the other team get a point like that. I just wanted the small chance to be picked for Dylan’s side. But instead, he chose somebody with stretchy pants that had the words All Star written on the butt. I gave her the stink eye, but maybe that was kind of mean of me. I really can’t stop thinking about it.
At the end of recess, we all walked down the slope toward the school building and I was feeling kind of bad about the whole thing. That’s when Sofie told me, “You were really strong today.” It was our first talking outside of the bathroom stalls that year. I just shook my head because I didn’t believe her.
This is just between you and me, but at lunch that day I decided to give Sofie an invitation to my birthday party. I don’t know why, especially after what happened at that last slumber party, but I did. Sofie looked at the blue singing whale I drew on the card, and told me, “I love it.” It took a few minutes of repeating her words in my head, but I finally believed her. Her smile made the lunch room feel quiet, no burps or laughs or anything. She RSVP’ed right away too. She said, “I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” and wrote BIRTHDAY PARTY on her hand in blue glitter gel pen so she wouldn’t forget to come. The two of us didn’t say much after that, but I put the rest of my gel pens between us to share.
I wanted to make another invitation for Dylan Beaman too, but I’m pretty sure he goes to basketball practice or something like that after school. He’s probably too busy to come anyway. He always looks busy, especially when he’s talking to his burping contest friends or folding paper footballs during class. I wonder what it would be like to hold Dylan Beaman’s hand during Red Rover or just because. I wonder what his family is like and if he would ever want to share more than chips with me.
Sorry. I hope you’re not embarrassed reading this letter, because honestly nothing is more embarrassing than thinking and writing it. I mean, why do you think I send out these balloons instead of keeping a diary? I can’t have these thoughts just laying around for anybody to find.
Even though I didn’t give Dylan Beaman an invite, I tried my very best to be excited about my birthday party while at school today. I looked at the clock for most of the day and even reminded Sofie about it at recess. I guess I didn’t really need to remind Sofie because BIRTHDAY PARTY was still written on her hand. We were under the same maple tree where Courtney, Mary, Gina, and I used to share our secrets with each other. I felt brave being back there. Don’t tell anyone this, but it was actually more fun than ever before. It was mine and Sofie’s first real recess together and I didn’t even pick up any daisies to ask, “He loves me? He loves me not?” Instead I made sure nobody was watching and said, “Sofie, can you tell me more about your life?”
Sofie told me that her old best friends were twins, who loved pretending they were Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. But then they had to move all the way to Marquette, so their dad could help build an airport where the army base used to be. Sofie also explained her dad’s logging job. In the cold months, he cuts down trees so they can go to the chipper for paper and tissues to get made. Then when it’s warm, he actually paints houses and does whatever people need. She even said, “I love Papa,” and smiled with her head in the little daisies. I think that’s so cool that she loves her family like that.
We then pretended that we were loggers too. Of course, we didn’t have a chain saw for tree cutting at school, so we tried to lift the maple by circling it with our arms. Sofie’s palms felt warm and sweaty. It was our third time ever holding hands. It was really the only way we could take on a tree like that. You should have seen it. My arms were a little shaky, but we did get a few of the leaves to fall.