Actually, Courtney did talk to me earlier this week, but it didn’t last long. It was only because Mr. B assigned me the Language Arts binder with a number thirty-two on the spine. Everybody wanted to trade with me because thirty-two is also the TV channel for MTV. Courtney got all mad when I shook my head. She said in front of everybody, “It’s not like you watch MTV anyways.”
I hate to say it, but Courtney was right. I only said no to trading because I thought maybe she would ask me again or maybe she would just think I am cool for having it. No such luck. Instead, everybody went to talk to the quiet boy in class who got the VH1 binder. Now I just bring my MTV binder with me everywhere I go just in case anyone maybe wants to talk to me about it again. I open it up as wide as I can at recess and when I’m waiting at my desk for class to start. I even hold my binder tight between my legs when standing at the bathroom sinks. It’s hard to keep it from falling onto the tile floor, especially when my old friends are there. They wash their hands much faster than I do.
I like being in the bathroom best when I’m all by myself. When I’m alone, I can pretend it’s not actually the girls’ room, and instead it’s just a nice place to sit and relax. I take out my silly headband and have my own locked door. I rest my elbows on my binder and read the notes people have left behind on the wall. To be honest, I thought about using a big marker to leave the girls a message there. I’m just not sure what permanent thing I would want to say. It’s funny to think that my BFFs and I used to write things out of invisible ink for fun. We would play Inspector Gadget and solve cereal box mysteries together, and now I can’t even leave a clue to tell them that I’m still alive and still want to be their friend.
All summer long I have been feeling far away from them, like when I offered to play Uncle Jesse in our game of Full House and they said that was weird for me to play the boy part. But we haven’t been real friends ever since that slumber party. Don’t tell anyone this, but I think it’s because I said another thing that I shouldn’t have. I told everyone that I think that Sofie Gavia is cute. I didn’t mean to. I thought truth or dare was supposed to be a fun game. But when Sofie came back to the party from the bathroom, all the girls laughed at her because she didn’t know about the bad thing I said about her. Courtney got out her parents’ camcorder and said, “We have to protect Sofie from Ellie.” Everybody had to listen to her because she was the birthday girl. They turned up that song “Man! I Feel Like a Woman” on the boom box, and filmed themselves building a moat of pillows and VHS tapes around Sofie’s sleeping bag. Sofie just watched all confused.
I hate to admit it, but no one wanted to sleep next to me that night. They didn’t want me under the backyard trampoline the next morning either. I can’t write about any of this in a bathroom stall that only has hearts with people’s initials inside. I don’t have anyone’s name to put into a heart with mine. I hope I’m not a loser and that nobody in the world sees that video Courtney made. I don’t know. Things will be all right by December. Every year, Mary has a big McDonald’s dinner and slumber party to celebrate both Christmas and her birthday. Mary knows I don’t even need to stand on phonebooks to reach the high shelf with all of the secret sugary snacks and Christmas presents. Plus, I’m sure they all remember that I come up with the very best dares. For example, last year, I got the other girls to pee into Dixie cups in the laundry room.
This year, I dared myself to see how long I can go without speaking. I’ve started calling it the no talking game. Do you ever play it? I wish I’d started it sooner. It’s keeping me out of trouble, and usually it’s enough to just nod my head yes or no. To be very honest with you, I’m almost glad that I don’t know you, because that’s one less slumber party invitation I have to worry about. Maybe I wouldn’t want to talk to you out loud either. No offense. That’s just how I am, I guess.
I have to tell you something, though, and you have to swear on your life that you won’t tell anybody. Today I stayed in my favorite bathroom stall not only through lunch, but also math class. I still think of myself as a good student, though. My mom made me do Brain Quest flash cards all summer long and my grades are almost good enough to be offered a special hall monitor job. I did my own version of math class anyways by counting all the ceiling, floor, and wall tiles. I lost count at number seventeen and got antsy when I heard the sink water running all of a sudden. I tried to hide my breath and tuck up my feet so that person would think that they were all alone. But that sink kept on going for nearly five minutes, it really seemed like enough water to take a shower or set a ship to sail. The water kept running and running, and my legs got so tired from trying to stay small. I couldn’t take it anymore, and put my feet down.
I peeked under the door. Turns out, it was just Sofie. I recognized her see-through sandals. She cleared her throat and said, “Are you okay?” She turned the water off and waited for me to say something back. I took my time to turn the silver handle and let the door swing open. I was surprised Sofie waited long enough for me to come out. She stood there smiling without any teeth showing. It was impossible to ignore her.
Right then and there, we decided to start our own club for working on our confident walks in and out of the bathroom stalls. It’s a super-small club with just the two of us, but that’s okay. It’s probably best nobody else knows about it, so it’s actually a secret club. Just so you know, the secret club was Sofie’s idea and it wouldn’t be weird for people to see us together in the bathroom because everybody has to go in there eventually. I don’t know. Do you belong to any clubs during school or maybe after school? I heard that there will be even more clubs to choose from in middle school. Anyways, I think this secret club with Sofie G could be a good thing.
Maybe when we practice our confident walks in the future, Sofie and I can use the loud hand driers to make loud noises like a very excited audience. We will clap for each other too because we can, just like the invisible studio audiences on Boy Meets World. What do you think? It’s not like she really knows what I said about her during truth or dare anyways, right? The fact is Sofie and I have actually known each other for a long time. All the girls in our class used to get invited to all the same birthday parties. That was back when everyone called everyone a friend. There’s nothing wrong with calling someone cute, I think. I hope you don’t think I’m weird for writing that. I almost crossed it out, but then I didn’t. Sorry. Anyways, thanks for listening.
Bye,
Ellie
PS, Sorry, what do you think about the name Alex? Or maybe Tanya?
Friday, September 19, 1997
Dear Friend,
I just turned ten years old, which is a big deal I guess because it’s two numbers and I get an allowance now. But it can be stressful to have a beginning of the school year birthday because there are so many beginnings at once. Honestly, I don’t like my birthday so much. People ask me all kinds of big questions about life and call me “birthday girl” over and over again. Do you like it when people call you a girl or a boy over and over again? They always expect me to smile about it, but I would rather celebrate other things instead of being a birthday girl. I would like to celebrate the caterpillar that somehow survived the playground jungle gym last winter. I would like to celebrate my confident walk when I eventually get it down. I would like to celebrate the ice cream truck driver’s birthday, which actually should be a big national holiday.